Presidential JOW #1315

We are coming up on President’s Day.  It used to be Washington’s birthday and Lincoln’s birthday, but we decided to combine them.  So, my jokes this week feature various presidents. And by the way, I don’t know if anybody else had this weird glitch but my television for some reason broadcast the entire Super Bowl halftime show in Spanish.

 

Was Eve the president of Eden?

No, she was the first lady

 

What rock group has four guys and no singers?

Mt. Rushmore!

 

When is Presidents Day a sad reminder?
If your wallet is filled with only pictures of the first president.

 

I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What is going on?  How is it that am I still alive?"

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive

 

Jokes on the internet are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

 

The president has called for full legalization of marijuana.

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

 

Most American Presidents are buried in the US. Can you name the ones who aren’t?
The ones who are still alive

 

I asked my seven year-old Granddaughter, “What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"
She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of BS."

 

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

 

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

 

Before the end of the world, God appeared before three presidents: Trump, Xi and Putin.

God told them: “Go and tell your people that in two weeks, the world will end.”
Trump went back to US and said: “I have two pieces of news. One is good, and the other is bad. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that in two weeks, the world will end”.

Xi went back to China and said: “I have two pieces of news. One is bad, and the other is even worse. The bad news is that God exists. The worse news is that in two weeks, world will end”.

Putin went back and said: “I have two pieces of news, and both are good! First is that God himself recognized me as president! And the second is that I’ll rule until the end of the world!”

 

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:
“We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws things and swears at him.”

“Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, everybody!”
“Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little.  We might swear at Trump, but in a but only in front of our TVs.”
“Well, I exaggerated a bit as well.  We really urinate, but we do it in our pants.”

 

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama said “Briefs”

In 2022 the press asked Joe Biden’s press secretary if Biden wears Boxers or briefs. She replied, "Depends".

 

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected. The night before the inauguration he called his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One."
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
“No, the other one."

 

And finally, not presidential but about another type who goes on and on.

The young new pastor made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard one Sunday morning in February, arriving with only five minutes to spare. He entered, turned on the lights, and took a look around. There was no one else present.
An old farmer, coated in snow, strolled in just as he was ready to turn everything off and go home.
The preacher said, “Hello, Joe. Nobody else appears to be able to make it. I believe there will be no service today.”
“Well, Reverend, I know I’m only an old farmer, but I can tell you this: if I take a load of hay out to the field to feed my cattle and only one cow comes up, I still feed it,” the elderly farmer stated.
Embarrassed, the pastor answered “Without a doubt. You are correct. I’m going to get ready.”
So the pastor began the service and inspired by the farmer’s faith and dedication, preached for an hour.
After the service, the pastor approached the farmer and said, “So Joe… I hope you enjoyed today’s sermon.”

The old farmer looked at him, shook his head, and said, “Reverend, if I go out to feed the cattle and only one cow shows up, I still feed it, but I don’t give it the whole load.”