Weather or not JOW #1266

 I enjoy winter.  Understand that the term ‘winter’ may not really apply to east Texas, but it does get colder and kinda gray and cloudy.  But it is not sweaty and so is preferable to six months of summer here.  People in Houston take it very seriously when it freezes.  TV announcers explain about how when water gets below its freezing point will actually become SOLID!  And slippery.  Which is why whenever we get freezing temperatures, the city more or less shuts down.  I don’t mind.  Winter is supposed to be a time of staying inside and warm.  Here are a few jokes about the weather including some about global climate change.

 

I prefer cold weather.

But only to a certain degree.

 

I noticed that I make a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. It’s the early signs of typothermia.

 

My granddad always used to say, “There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.”

I say “Used to”, because he got hit by lightning.

 

When does it start to rain money?

When there is a change in the weather.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.
Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

 

Do you know that we haven’t found a solution for climate change yet?
But we’re definitely getting warmer.

 

Climate change is getting boring

It's just not cool anymore

 

Never mind raining cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks yesterday. It was fowl weather.

Don’t trust big changes in the weather.

It’s just a front.

 

Do you know a lot of people have been complaining about the weather?
They’re just afraid of change.

 

Many people don’t take climate change seriously?
It would be cooler if they did.

 

Why should we never argue about climate change?
It always turns into a heated debate.

 

Climatologist: My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.
Media: Climatologist claims “climate findings are meaningless.”

 

Name an animal unaffected by climate change?
Egyptian crocodiles because they live in Da Nile.

 

What’s the scariest part about climate change?
The atmosfear.

~~~~

It was clear and sunny when I went to town I saw a line of guys outside a barber shop.

I thought, “What a lovely day to have a barber queue.”

 

Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy today.

One of them started making small talk about the weather, “I hope the rain keeps up!”

The other guy went, “Huh?”

“So it doesn’t come down!”

 

A couple of icebergs in Antarctica were best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.

One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by, and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"

 

Two guys from Saskatoon decide to escape the cold Canadian weather in winter and take a vacation. They go to Australia.  Sitting in a bar down under, still wearing their jackets and flannels they draw the attention of Aussies, so one gets up and approaches them.
"G'DAY mates, where you blokes from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" one of them answers.
"Oh, alright," replies the Aussie as he returns to his table.
"So where are they from mate?" His friend asks.
"Don't know, they don't speak English."

 

A manager overheard one of her cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon." She quickly assured the customer that they would have whatever she wanted by next week.

After she left, she read the cashier the riot act.  "Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week.  Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."

A man who one hand amputated explained the effectiveness of gloves.

“On one hand, they are good for cold weather.  On the other, they don't really help.”

 

Three-year-old Mathew scared his family one summer by disappearing during their lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline; everyone was relieved when he was found playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. I want to go to Disney World."

 

Once upon a time there was a monastery with some hard-working and resourceful monks.  Some of them, without permission of the abbot, set up a business making and selling keys.  Unfortunately, the monks who were making the keys were a bit too high-spirited and their hijinks began to interfere with the smooth routine of the monastery. 

When the abbot found out about what was going on he put a stop to all this monk key business.

 

And finally,

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So in other words,” the lawyer said, “When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor- “At that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”

 

 

Snow JOW #1265

 I am looking out onto a snow-covered scene.  This may not sound strange in the month of January, but we have not had snow here in the greater Houston for 10 years.  Being Florida raised, I did not grow up with the stuff – I did not even see real snow until I was 20 years old – and I remain entranced by the stuff.  Snow transforms the world into a magical place—well until you have to shovel it.  Fortunately, I have never had to shovel snow and never will.  The entire city of Houston is essentially shut down by a couple of inches of the stuff and that is all the local news is covering.  I don’t have many jokes about snow but here are a few jokes of various kinds. 

 

Snow riddles

When is snow like a boat? 

When it’s a drift.

 

Why does snow fall?
It does not know how to climb down.

 

Why did the snow people go to the carrot patch?
To pick their noses.

 

What do you call a bunch of skinny people stretching in the snow?
Low-fat frozen yoga.

 

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman!

 

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?
Fro-zen.

 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

It smells like carrots over here!

 

What do you call a English snow house without a toilet?
An ig.

 

 Some snow quotes:

 

"Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled!"

 

"The only thing worse than being cold is being hot — just ask a snowman."

 

The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he’s the Abdominal Snowman.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice.
Ice who?
Ice see you freezing!

 

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.
1’s hands got so cold that they went numb.
2’s hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

 

What did 20 do when it was hungry?

Twenty-eight.

 

There was a lady with three sons, named Rain, Snow, and Brick.
Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “Unngah”.

 

Enough with the cold humor.  Here are a few other jokes

A beekeeper was driving by a brothel when he noticed that it was on fire …
All of the ladies that worked there were trapped at one of the upstairs windows and they were frantically yelling for help.
Quickly, the man pulled over and tied some netting between two fence posts that were just below the window. But the ladies were afraid to jump into the netting because they didn’t think it would hold them.
The flames were getting much worse, so the beekeeper did the only thing he could think of. He went back to his truck and retrieved a very special insect that he kept in a box labeled “in case of a brothel fire”
Sure enough, this special bug flew right up into the open window where all the prostitutes had gathered. Of course, this just made them panic even more. One by one this winged insect chased each lady until all sense was lost and she leaped out the window, landing safely in the outstretched hammock below.
When all the ladies had reached the ground safely the specially trained bee returned to his box, then the ladies turned to the beekeeper and offered him their gratitude. But he refused. “After all,” he explained, “it wasn’t me that saved you. It was the hornet.”

 

Twenty-three hints for better writing

 

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

And finally, a very self-aware joke.

A huge Polar bear walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of...", says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "...scotch."
"Why the long face?", asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?", asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."

On Fire JOW #1264

 The fires in Los Angles are a genuine catastrophe, impacting millions of people including my good friends Dick and Jane who had to evacuate their home.  With my mind on the devastating fires, my mind as it does turned to making light of situation.  This may seem callous, but humor is a way to deal with hash times.  Comedian Pete Lee went on Jimmy Fallon and made jokes about the fires.  To those who criticized Lee for making jokes about the fires as "too soon," the funny man shot back: "My house burnt down, I can make jokes about this."  So, if a professional comedian who lost his home can tell jokes, I guess I can feature in my Jokes of the Week while continuing to pray for those so terribly affected by the ongoing fires.

 

 

What happens if you fire the firefighters?
More fire. Duh.

 

Hollywood loves a remake.

Which is why God produced "California Wildfires" again this year.

 

What did the beaver say when his structure caught fire?
“Hot dam!”

 

What kind of moron invented the fire blanket?
Surely fire is warm enough already!

 

How do you put out a fire with one hand? You make sure it’s a match!

 

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant…What’s on the outside?
K9P.

 

Do you remember when they first invented fire?
It was a hot commodity.

 

Despite being fire-breathing monsters, dragons will never actually explode.
But a dino might.

 

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?
Bros before hose.

 

If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are exactly alike
Then you’ll have a match.

 

Caveman discovers fire,

Caveman discovers marijuana.
Stoned age begins.

 

 

What do you do when your musical instrument is on fire?
You stop, rock, and roll.

 

How did the fire fall in love?
It found its perfect match!

 

How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.

And a few grimmer jokes on fire

What do you call a man who’s on fire?
Bernie.

 

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?
A piglet

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes that is on fire?
No flaming idea.

 

“Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!”
“Let’s get out of here son! Quietly, you’re gonna wake up your mom!”

 

A man filed a claim with his insurance company after his house burned.
The insurance agent said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?”
The owner said, “Fire and theft.”

The agent frowned. “Uh oh. That’s the wrong kind. It should be fire OR theft. The only way you can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it’s burning down.”

 

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging Los Angeles. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.
Because the roads were blocked he decides to rent an airplane and do some aerial photography. He gets permission from his editor, and is told to report at a nearby airport, where a small aircraft will be on the tarmac waiting for him.
Upon arrival at the airport, he sees a plane warming up, so he jumps in with his bag of equipment, and says "Let's go!"
In no time at all, the pilot is taxiing down the runway, and the plane heads into the sky.
"What I'd like you to do," says the photographer to the pilot, "is fly over the fires, making a few low passes, so I can take some photos."
"Why?" asks the pilot.

"Isn't it obvious?" says the man, "I'm a photographer, and photographers take photos."
The pilot is completely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammers, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

 

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces “We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!”
The chemist replies “No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!”
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. “What the hell are you doing??”
“Getting a proper sample size!”
And finally

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.
In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the fire fighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”

 

Go Fish JOW #1263

The holidays are finally over.  This results in a change in commercials.  The tidal wave of political ads is gone as are the holiday ones.  Even the Medicare renewal ads have run their course, giving us a break until Valentine’s Day.  All that is left are the cold gray days of winter.  I am using fishing as a theme this week because well, why not?  Enjoy.

Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet? On line.

 

Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? To go with jellyfish.

 

I have always admired fishermen. They are reel men.

 

Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about the coronavirus. He never catches anything.

 

I tried eating a clownfish. It tasted a little bit funny.

 

What did the fisherman do at the doctor’s office after accidentally swallowing some worms? He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath.

 

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!”

“That bad, huh,” his friend responded. “She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures, and worst of all she caught more fish than me!”

 

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

 

Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: “Have you ever hunted bear?”

His grandson’s teacher: “No, but I’ve been fishing in shorts.”

 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen little sardines63. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman, and said, “Only caught one, eh?”

 

Jim got up bright and early one weekend and headed to the local river. He fished all day long but didn’t catch a thing. On the way home, he stopped at the fish market.

“I want to buy the three biggest Steelhead you’ve got,” he said to the owner.

The owner starts to bag up his order when Jim says, “No need for that, just throw them at me.”

“Why would I do that?” the owner asked.

“So I can honestly tell my wife that I caught three fish today!”

 

A woman is walking on a beach in Texas carrying two Redfish in a bucket. A game warden walks up and asks to see her fishing license.

“I don’t have a fishing license,” says the woman.

“You know it’s illegal to fish without a license, right?” asks the warden.

“I wasn’t fishing, officer. These Redfish are my pets.”

“Your pets?”

“Yes, officer. They like a little exercise, so when the weather’s fine, I take them to the water and let them swim around. Once they’re done, I give them a whistle and they jump back into my bucket, and we head home.”

The officer isn’t buying a word of it, so the woman says, “Don’t believe me? Watch!” and she throws the fish into the sea.

The warden waits for a minute then says, “Alright, now whistle to your fish and make them jump out of the water.”

The fisherwoman turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”

 

Chuck had been out on the ice all day without seeing a single fish. Not even a nibble. He decides that today’s not the day and starts to pack up, when this old guy walks up.

Without saying a word, he cuts a hole a few feet from Chuck and immediately catches a fish.

The old guy coughs, baits his hook, and within seconds, there’s another fish on his line. This happens two, three times within as many minutes.

Chuck can’t believe his eyes. He’s been out here all day without seeing a single fish. He walks over to the man and asks, “What’s your secret?”

“Woohattakipowrmwm” the old man answers back.

“What did you say?” replies Chuck.

The man looks over, spits out a mouthful of worms on the ice and says, ”You have to keep your worms warm.”

 

Enough with fishing jokes.  Here are a few random leftovers.

 

The US may stop minting pennies but that wouldn’t make any cents.

 

fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way? 

 

Is there such a thing as slutty olive oil?

 

All great literature is only one of three stories: A man goes on a journey; a stranger comes to town and Godzilla versus Megashark – Leo Tolstoy

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

 

Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas. 

 

In skydiving they say you never have to worry about a parachute malfunction

because you have the rest of your life to fix it

 

A man had not seen his twin brother since he left Australia.

They were separated at Perth.

 

I received a mind-controlled calculator for Christmas.  Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.

 

I got fired from my job because they said my communication skills were lacking.

I honestly don’t know what to say.

 

Local janitors have gone out on strike.

They are demanding sweeping reforms.

 

I can use either hand to put sugar in my tea.

I’m ambidextrose.

 

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a bar.

 

I’m a corrections officer and all my coworkers think the prison is haunted.

No idea what they're on about. I've been walking this beat for the last 150 years and have never experienced a thing.

 

Grateful JOW #1262

 It is normal to reflect on events and our current status at the end of the year. Although this year, like all years, has had its ups and downs, overall things are pretty good, especially by comparison.  Think about 2020 for example.  I can distinctly remember people complaining about how bad things were in the 1990’s.  Now they look back with nostalgia for those times.  All it will take is some actual bad things to happen for us to realize how good we have it right now.  So, I am grateful for all the things I still have.  Of course, the thing I’m most grateful for right now is elastic waistbands.  I must have been dreaming of a ‘wide’ Christmas. Here are some jokes about gratitude.  And I want to say thank you to all the people who walked into my life and made it outstanding, and all the people who walked out of my life and made it fantastic.

 

·         Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

 

·         A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

 

·         Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

 

·         If you can’t be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.

 

·         The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.

 

·         Even though we can’t have all we want, we ought to be thankful we don’t get what we deserve.

 

·         God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

 

·         If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get. 

 

How do generals show their gratitude to their troops?

They give tanks.

 

After breast enlargement surgery, serenaded her plastic surgeon with the old Bob Hope theme: "Thanks for the mammaries."

 

I received a mind-controlled calculator for Christmas.  Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.

 

A scientist finds a crashed alien spaceship

An alien is still alive, and the scientist helps him fix the spaceship so the alien can go back home.
As a sign of gratitude, the alien tells the scientist that he will answer him a single question, whatever it is or however it's formulated. As the alien was about to take off, the scientist finally comes up with a question.
"What is the best question that I could possibly ask you in this situation and what is the answer to it?", the scientist asked.
"The best question is the one you just asked, and the answer to it is the one I just gave you", says the alien and flies away

 

A Swedish man goes to a job interview. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is.

"Wow! You have an amazing resume, and you present yourself very well, but you seem to be missing four years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" asked an interviewer.

"Oh, sure, that’s when I went to yale" says the man’

The interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob."

 

An old couple enters a cafe in Normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.
After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the war and lost his leg and most of his hearing on the beach not far from here during the landing at Normandy.
Upon hearing this the waitress rushes to the kitchen without taking their order only to show up again moments later with a laden service tray and starts to put sandwiches, pancakes, cakes as well as two cups of coffee on the table. Confused the elderly lady tells the waitress that they didn't order this and don't have enough money with them to pay for all of this.
"Don't worry miss, I spoke with my boss and since your husband lost his leg while fighting here in the war all of this is free."
The woman smiles in gratitude and leans towards her husband to repeat what the waitress just said directly into his ear after which he starts smiling as well, shakes the waitress her hand in gratitude and says:
"Vielen dank, das ist sehr nett von dir!"

 

And finally.

A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.
This went on for nearly five years.
Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel.
Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something. The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents."

 

Ho Ho Holidays #1261

 It is Christmas once again when stores try to convince us to be happy by buying *stuff* for people.  While it is popular to denigrate the commercial aspects of the season I, as an extrovert, do enjoy the crowds which are generally in a happy, festive mood.  I especially like the chance to connect with family and friends as the year comes to a nice chilly close.  I hope all of you are as fortunate as we are and that you all have a Merry Christmas.  Here are some topical bits of humor for your enjoyment.

 

Bob – I love these cookies.

Glenn – They are a secret family recipe

Bob – You have a secret family?

Glenn – Please don’t tell my wife

 

If a snow man went from the North Pole to the South Pole would he be bipolar?

 

Are the Christmas lights working?

Off and on

 

Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?

He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.

 

As a man bought a Christmas Tree the salesman asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”

“No, I’m putting it up in the living room.” the man replied with a wince.

 

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there’s myrrh.

Then there was the rebellious teen who rejected Santa.  He was a rebel without a Claus

 

Why not get dead batteries for the holiday?
They’re free of charge.

 

Some Christmas Knock Knock jokes

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Chris.
Chris who?
Christmas is almost here!

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to sing with me?

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Honda.
Honda who?
Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me …

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Dexter.
Dexter who?
Dexter halls with boughs of holly 

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Avery.
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas to you!

 

A pastor fell into the habit of using a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he entered a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer would locate the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replace it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.

Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name “Mary” and replace it with “Edna.” The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the printed program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”

 

A man in a high-end department store pointed to an elaborate train set and said to the salesgirl, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.’

Like the old joke goes:

How are boobs like train sets?  They are for children, but men still want to play with them.’

 

A twenty something miss buttonholed a mall Santa and asked if older girls could make a wish.

‘Of course,’ replied Santa, ‘What would you like?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. What would you like me to bring her?’

Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

 

A Dubliner proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
“You cheap bum!” she yells. “This isn’t even real.”
“I know,” he replied. “But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock.”

 

A couple were out Christmas shopping.  The mall was packed with people picking up last minute gifts for their loved ones.   The wife was so involved in her shopping that it was a while before she noticed that her husband had disappeared in the crowds.  After looking around for him for a while she picked up her cell and gave him a call.

“Where are you, honey?” she asked.

“Relax.  Do you remember that jewelry store with the blue front we went into a year ago?”

“You mean the one that had the diamond necklace that I loved so much?” she replied, her heart beating faster.

“Yeah, that’s the one. I am in the bar right next to it.”

 

It was just before Christmas, and the jailer was in a good mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early’.

‘That’s no crime’, said the jailer. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

 

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans. I kill their plants and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I guess I’m a gnome.” 

 

A man went up to an ice cream vendor and asked, ‘Large cone please’ in a quiet, croaky voice."

"Vendor says, ‘Raspberry syrup?’

‘Yes please,’ replies the man in the same painful sounding voice.

'Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ says the bloke, pointing to his throat, Laryngitis.’"

 

And finally

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may also pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

 

 

Silver Alert JOW #1260

Sometimes I see so-called Silver Alerts which are used when old people wander off from their caretakers.  Lately I think we may need to put out a Silver Alert on Joe Biden.  Since the party rejected his bid for a second term he has vanished from the scene.  I have never known a sitting president of the US to completely disappear like that. Biden is like the Spanish magician who gets up on and says, "Uno, Dos..." and *Poof* ... He disappears without a Tres.

We had a better idea of where his VP was; after the election she was on a beach in Hawaii sipping Mai Tais.  Although his wife has been in the news, Joe has vanished from the scene almost completely and the network news hasn’t mentioned him in weeks, yet things seem to keep ticking along.  I guess it is true – any fool can run the country.  Anyway, here are some jokes about missing and disappearing things.

 

What do you call a disappearing President?

Hocus POTUS

 

What did McDonalds call their new disappearing sandwich?

The Biden Burger

 

Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open; seventeen are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from

 

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

 

Maybe they should dress Biden in a red and white striped shirt like Waldo.  I remember some Waldo jokes:

 

Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?

He doesn’t want to be spotted.

 

Why did Waldo and Carmen Sandiego get jobs at Home Depot?

Because you can never find anyone who works there.

 

Why did Waldo meditate

To find himself

 

Waldo is working out at the gym

He sees another guy there and asks, "hey man, can you spot me?"
The guy says: "Well I'll try my best, but it might take me a while."

 

What is Waldo's least favorite dish?

Fondue!

 

Why did Waldo go into therapy?

To find himself

 

Waldo once insulted Chuck Norris

Which is why Waldo is hiding

 

I named my TV remote Waldo.

For obvious reasons.

 

Try this prank.

Step 1: Go to Starbucks.

Step 2: Order your coffee.

Step 3: Tell them your name is Waldo.
Step 4: Leave.

 

Knock knock

Who's there?
Waldo.
Waldo?! Where in the world have you been?! We've been looking everywhere for you!

 

Which got me thinking about disappearances in general.

 

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.

 

Did you hear about the magician who made an art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't.

 

My water disappeared

It shall be mist

 

Marvel supervillain Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

 

Which made me think of the DC comic joke:

A man goes up to Professor X and says he'd like to join the X-Men. 'Sure,' Professor X says. 'What's your ability?'

'I have perfect hindsight,' the man says.

Professor X frowns. 'I really don't think that's going to help us much.'

'Yeah,' the man replies, 'I can see that now.'

 

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird, but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused and ask him to elaborate. “It’s really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take out containers on it they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly. When I leave my dirty clothes on it they disappear! and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed” The female police officer looks at the man and says “You’re an idiot. No wonder your girlfriend has left you.”

And the male officer says “I don’t think she’s left him. I think he’s right. I’ve got a coffee table like that at my house, too.”

 

One friend complains to another, “All my husband and I do any more is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asks the other friend.
“I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.”

 

Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.
“How do you think I feel?” replied his companion. “I have to walk back alone.” 

 

And finally, a variation on one of my favorite jokes:

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?"

The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.