I recently had a chance to ride some horses in Wyoming. I really enjoyed it. I had not been on a horse in 25 years. My equine adventure got me thinking about horses and horse humor, and that resulted in these jokes of the week.
According
to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Did
you hear the joke about the 3-legged horse?
It was lame.
In
the early 1900’s, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car, and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.
Man:
“This is my horse, Mayo.”
Friend: “Why did you call him that? He’s not even a white horse?”
Mayo: [neighs]
It
takes some people hours to do the hair on their mares.
They
are high mane-tenance.
What
do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A
mechanic.
Have
you heard about the runaway horse?
It’s
a tale of WHOA!
What
do you call a class about Viking horses with sore throats?
A Norse hoarse horse course, of course.
What
do you call a horse and a bee that live in the same Boston neighborhood?
Neigh-buzz.
It’s
incredibly easy to make a slow horse fast…
You just stop feeding it.
In
medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
What
did the horse say when it fell over?
I’ve
fallen over and I can’t giddyup
What
does a Jamaican horse eat?
Reghay.
Do
you know why horse stalls at the racetrack are labeled A, B, D, and E?
Because
no one wants to bet on a seahorse.
How
do you disguise a horse in the desert?
With camelflage
What
do you call a really long race ran by female horses?
A mare-a-thon.
What
do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
Sherbet.
Don’t
order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they’ll ask for your feed back.
What
goes “clopclopclop-clop-clop-clop-clopclopclop?”
Horse code.
Chuck
Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.
And that’s how we got giraffes.
What
did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo?
“Use the horse, Luke!”
A
Tom Swift joke:
“I’m
gonna shift to an all hay diet.” Tom said, balefully.
“Doctor,
please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”
Then
there are the ‘horse walks into a bar’ jokes
A
horse walks into a bar.
The
bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
In
some versions of this old joke you add the following
The
horse says, “My best friend just died.”
A
horse walks into a bar.
He approaches the bartender and says, “If there is a triangle with three sides
labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is
the hypotenuse?”
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “Y, the long face.”
A
horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a
glass of water…
But can’t make him drink.
A
horse walks into a bar and orders a coke.
The bartender asks, “Straw?”
The horse replies, “No thanks, I already ate.”
A
horse walks into a bar.
“Hey,”
says the barman.
“Yes
please,” says the horse.
A
horse walks into a bar. The horse tells the bartender, “I don’t think,” and
disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote “I think, therefore I am.”
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes
before the horse.
~~~~
A
cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back
into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head
without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by
the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have
to do what I done in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled
up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go…
what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
And
finally, an off-topic joke
A
man arrived at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and
says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done
in your life that was particularly good."
The
man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he
hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.
"Well," says
St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your
life?"
"Yes,
I have," replies the man proudly.
St.
Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So,
the man explains, “My wife just bought a new expensive pair of blue jeans. She asked me if they made her butt look big. I told her that anything she wore already did
that."
"Yes," responded
St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps
tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the
man replied, "about three minutes ago."
