As most of you are aware, south Texas had some really cold weather last week. We even got a nice layer of two inches of powder which stayed on the ground for almost a week! While sub-freezing days are nothing special for most of the country, Texas was unprepared for the weather – millions lost power and drinking water for days on end. Travel was severely restricted because the roads were icy and, unlike people in Dallas, people in Houston know they do not know how to drive on ice. Although we were personally unaffected, we certainly know lots of people who had a very bad time of it. We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. That got me thinking about other humorous ‘Laws’ which make up the start of my Jokes of the Week
·
Fedridge’s Law – Not only will things go wrong, they
will go wrong at the worst possible time.
·
Law of Preparedness – bad things do not happen
if you are prepared for them to happen.
·
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to
pee.
·
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt,
screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
·
Law of Probability - The probability of
being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
·
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong
number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
·
Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the
smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
·
Variation Law - If you change lines (or
traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you
are in now.
·
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully
immersed in water, the phone will both ring and be out of reach.
·
Law of Close Encounters - The probability
of meeting someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want
to be seen with.
·
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing
Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.
·
Coles Law – Chopped cabbage mixed with mayonnaise,
sugar, vinegar, and dressing
Which led me to some physics ‘laws’ jokes.
THE LAW OF ENTROPY: The perversity of the universe tends
towards a maximum.
Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):
First Law: You
can't get anything without working for it.
Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to
break even.
Third Law: You
can't break even.
Parodies of the laws of thermodynamics, in a science
text book.
1. You can't win, you can only break even.
2. You can only break even at absolute zero.
3. You can never reach absolute zero.
Ginsberg's Theorem (The modern statement of the three
laws of thermodynamics)
1. You can't win.
2. You can't even break even.
3. You can't get out of the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:
"Every philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful
is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.
To wit:
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
even.
Why are physicists are not considered cool, when thermodynamic
entropy is getting cooler all the time?
Enough with the “Laws” jokes
An Israeli company unveiled the first 3D-printed rib-eye
steak on Tuesday, using a culture of live animal tissue, in what could be a
leap forward for lab-grown meat once it receives regulatory approval.
I can hear the orders now: “Sir, how would you like your
steak printed?”
“Call me old fashioned, but Times New Roman, please…14
point font. “
From Dick’s Indian friend:
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he did not peel good. (That is probably a joke better spoken than
read.)
Tor sent me these words of wisdom in difficult times.
Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, “I
understand your pain. It’s going to be
all right. Here is a pound of weed and
two million dollars.”
And something ridiculous to end with.
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to
square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling
coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done
on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of his 'pretzel' hold.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished.”
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled
each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and
the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying
up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed
on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked,
"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up
ven he got me in dat pretzel hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and
saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so
wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just
as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what
finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong
you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
