Stone Cold JOW #1070

 To all my northern friends.  Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard.  Come down and get it back.  Actually we had a couple of inches of powder during the night.  It really is beautiful, changing my neighborhood into something pristine.  And it is so quiet; all you can hear is the crunching of your feet in the fresh snow.  Not everyone is so pleased about the cold weather.  Ruth’s favorite winter activity is putting on warm pajamas and going back to bed.  Some of you wonder at how such a modest (to you) cold snap is paralyzing a major city, but this region is not just not prepared for cold weather. 

Here are some jokes about the cold that may help warm you up.

>>>>>>> 

What do you call someone who hates cold weather?

A southerner

 

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...

I nodded knowingly. It's the early signs of typothermia.

 

I don't get why everyone makes such a big deal about the cold weather.

I'm out in it right now and I can't feel a thing!

 

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes.

 

Snowman jokes

Why Are There Only Snow Men And Not Snow Women?

Because only men are dumb enough to stand outside without a coat on.

 

How Can You Tell A Snowman From A Snowwoman?

Snow balls

 

What do snowman ride?
A bICICLE.

 

What Happened When An Icicle Landed On The Snowman's Head?

It knocked him out cold.

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How Does An Eskimo Stick His House Together?

With Igloo!

 

The real reason the groundhog goes back into his den is when he sees his shadow and sees how fat he is.

 

What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backward through the snow together?
A receding hare line.

 

How cold is it?

·         Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

·         You have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

·         The rock in your shoe is your toe.

·         Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

·         People look forward to getting a fever.

·         I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

·         Trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

·         I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

·         I chipped a tooth on my soup!

·         If you want to hear what someone is saying, you have to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire.

 

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.

 

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in we can expect about 5 inches of snow. Or as my boyfriend would say, 8 inches."

^^^^^

I'm really worried about my wife and this weather

Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.
If this keeps up I might need to let her inside.

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Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and sees that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:
“Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?”
 “Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.
“Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!”
“Ah, that must be outside.”

 

More Dad jokes

·         Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

·         I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!

·         Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Watch how far I can kick this bucket."

·         I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, "Mark, my words!"

·         How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

·         To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

·         My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!

·         I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

·         Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!

·         Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!

·         Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

·         I was named after my older brother... : And before my younger brother.

·         A man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars.  Police are working tirelessly to catch him

·         Plagiarism is getting in trouble for something you didn’t do

·         If you are paying $3 for a bottle of ‘smart water’… it isn’t working

·         My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water". : I know he means well

·         Is a tropical depression a form of seasonal melancholy?

 

Ever hear about the Roman general who had a fit every time there was frozen rain?

Hail.. seizure

 

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”

Then I saw her face..