Gender Conflict JOW #1303

 I have a theme about the eternal conflict between men and women.  I was going to tell a joke about old, retired people but none of them work.  So here are a few more jokes about friction between men and women.

 

My stapler broke while stapling my marriage prenup agreement.

I have attachment issues.

 

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one

 

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages end in death.
I love statistics.

 

Son asks dad “How much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “I don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

 

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

 

No man has ever won the ‘notice anything different about me?’ game with a woman.

One difference between a man and a woman is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it usually smells nice.

 

A man read a book on marriage that said treat your wife like you treated her on the first date.

So, after dinner he dropped her off at her parents' house.

 

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

What is the difference between marriage and death?

When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts off with hearts and diamonds, but after a while you'll settle for a club and a spade

 

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead.

 

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife, “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

 

After marriage I figured this out that it's all "psychological".
There is one psycho and there's one logical.

 

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

 

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.

 

A man had a girlfriend Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time he had a crush on Claire-Lee Robins. Eventually Lorraine found out about his secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
He felt bad about it, but then he realized that – “I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.”

 

A son asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage.

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions."
“Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?”
"Oh, there haven’t been any big decisions yet."

 

A recent study indicates that the reason men make more money than women is because men are more likely to become engineers, doctors, and lawyers while women are more likely to become female engineers, female doctors, and female lawyers.

 

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke as his marriage was going downhill?

Use divorce, Luke

 

A man and woman go to marriage counseling.

Therapist: So, you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

 

A man (50) and his wife (23) went out to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband a “pedo”, “pervert”, and “sicko” and shamed the couple for the age difference.
It completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

 

The Pastor Kid said "My dad's a pastor. He's married a lot of people."
His friend responded, "I don't think pastors are supposed to be marrying more than one person."

 

Paula was anxiously waiting for her daughter Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.
Janet introduced this man as her new husband.

Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a RICH Doctor!"

 

And finally

 

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”
“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”
“I think I am,” he said.
“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.
“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.
“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”
“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said no.”