Smart Christmas JOW #895

First and foremost I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas.  Ruth and I will be spending the Christmas vacation in Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia.  It may not have snow, but at least it will be cold.

As a Christmas gift here are some smart jokes – that is, jokes about smart people.  ‘Egghead’ jokes about people who are too smart for the real world are very old.  I know a couple attributed to the Greeks that are at least 2500 years old.  The TV show Big Bang Theory is a series of skits roughly based on this theme of the absentminded professor.  Here are a few bits along those lines.

I will start with a very old Greek joke which is funny- funny odd. 

A Greek philosopher and his household had taken ship together.  The ship was caught in a terrible storm and all feared for their lives. 

“I don’t know why my slaves are afraid of us all drowning,” said the philosopher.  “I made provisions in my will that if I die they will be freed.”

The Great Albert Einstein Stories - Note: some of these are probably apocryphal, but he was said to be sweetly absentminded.

 
(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. So Einstein told the driver that at the next stop on the tour to switch places, with Einstein sitting at the back in the driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home.

The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows.  Do you want to meet him?.

Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

 ##################

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Once an old British professor was on a travelling by train. As fate should have, he was in the last compartment.  Now the problem was, whenever the train stopped at a station his compartment would never be on the platform.  It was a local train and anytime the poor guy wanted to get something to eat or drink he had to struggle to get over to the platform. By the time he reached his destination, he was really irritated.  He went straight to the station master`s office to lodge a complaint.

This is what he wrote.
"Please see to it that there is no last compartment in any train. If you still insist on having a last compartment, please put it somewhere in the middle".

------------------------

The absent-minded professor just came back home from a business trip, looking tired. His wife asked him: "Dear, you look awful, how was your trip?"
"Very bad. I got a rear-facing seat on the train, which made me very uncomfortable."
"Why didn't you ask the man opposite for a switch? "
"I wish I could have. But nobody was seating on that seat."

Family Valued JOW

We had a nice dusting of powder snow last week.  It was rather unexpected, but then any snow in east Texas is unexpected.  Facebook exploded with photographs of frosted trees and little snowmen.  Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.  Like good snow, it quickly evaporated long before it wore out its welcome. 

It being the season where families tend to get together I have a few family-related jokes this week.  I hope you enjoy them.  I start with some modern, that is to say, wise ass, kids.

At the mall, a mother said to her unruly son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving."

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?"

The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay.

The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop."

The boy replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well, yeah, that's kinda how communication works."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Two old grannies are comparing their grandchildren

I have the perfect grandson.
Does he smoke?
No, he doesn’t.
Does he drink whiskey?
No, he doesn’t.
Does he ever come home late?
No, he doesn’t.
I guess you really do have the perfect grandson. How old is he?
He will be 16 months old next Wednesday.

……………..

A mom texts, "Hi Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" 

The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" 

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" 

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You should go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

+++++++++++++

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

================

·         I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

·         I don't do drugs. I find I now get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

·         I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

·         The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

·         If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

·         Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

·         Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

·         Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

·         Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

·         Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

And finally, a fairy tale for the modern age.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells,

"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was me, Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was me,  Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was me, Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was me, Mother Bear who set the table. It was me, Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the fricking porridge yet!"

Shaggy old JOW #893

 I am fond of a dying breed of humor – the shaggy dog joke.  By their very nature these jokes are both long, (in an age of compressed thought) and often require an elaborate pun using a meme or song.  But it does no good to deliver a punch line such as “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?” if the listener does not know the song ‘Chattanooga Choo Choo.’  Even songs familiar to my generation like ‘Some Enchanted Evening’ or ‘I left my heart in San Francisco’ are unknown to Millennials.  This is a pity because there are some great jokes using those songs. Probably just as well that I can’t use them – to be most effective the teller needs to sing the punchline.  Likewise many memes have been overtaken by time.  Who remembers the yellow pages or obscene phone calls?

Here are a few longer jokes as a novelty and for your amusement. 

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There once was a man who decided he had to visit Australia once in his life. He read up on everything he could find, visited all the Australian web sites on the Internet and saved his money so he could make this once in a lifetime vacation.

The day finally came when it all came together and he was ready to leave. He boarded the plane and some hours later stepped off the plane at Sidney International. Australia at last!

Unfortunately, on his first day sightseeing, he began to get a bad headache. Thinking it was probably just jet lag he took two aspirin and continued his tour. The headache didn't go away, however, so he asked the tour guide where the best place to go for treatment. "Sir, you'll want to go to the emergency room at the Mercy Hospital", the guide told him, "It’s not far from here."

At the hospital, the doctor suggested he stay there overnight for observation and he agreed. He was assigned a room and a nun who was a nurse came in to see him. When he told her about his headache, she asked him if he had tried their Koala tea. "It’s made from the fur of the Koala bear and has great healing properties", she said. He said he was willing to try anything at that point and asked that she bring him a cup.

Presently, the nun came back in with a cup of liquid. He looked in the cup and saw it had a mass of hair in the bottom. Feeling rather nauseous, he said he didn't believe he could drink the tea with all that hair in the cup. "Couldn't you strain it out or something", he asked.

The nun was indignant. She said, "Sir, the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"

(A bit of Shakespeare to reach your cultural goal for the day.)

*************

There once was this man who was looking for a job. He applied for a bus driver's job at the county board of education. The head of the school board granted him an interview. During the interview the man was told there was only one bus driver job left, the one that drove the special education bus. The man said he would take the job but the school official asked that he look at the bus first. They went outside down a row of yellow school buses and at the end was a small van with Sesame Street characters painted all over it. The man was a little reluctant at first but the official told him all the kids would be at the bus stops and all he had to do was pick them up in the morning and take them home in the evening. The man need the job badly so he took it.

The first day on the job he comes to the bus stop and there is a little girl standing there who is very fat. She gets on the bus and the driver says, "Hi! What's your name?" The girl replies, "My name is Patty" and takes a seat. He comes to the next stop and there is another little girl there who is even fatter than the first. She gets on the bus and the driver asks, "What your name?" She says "My name is Patty" then takes a seat by the first girl.

At the next stop there is a little boy standing there. When he gets on the bus he says, "Hi I'm Ross and I'm special." At the next stop there is another little boy standing there and when asked his name he says, "Hi I'm Lester Cheatum". Lester takes the seat behind the driver, pulls off his shoes. He starts picking the loose skin on his bunions and throwing it at the driver. This being the last stop, the driver takes the group of special kits to school.

This same scene happens every day for a week. On Friday the driver goes into the superintendent's office and say, "I quit! I can't take it anymore!"

When asked why the driver says, "Every day it's the same thing! Two obese Patty's, special Ross, Lester Cheatum picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus".

(I think everyone remembers that incessant McDonald’s commercial, right?)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it clucks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

And finally, one more joke:

Samson is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Samson, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Samson, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Samson, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Samson, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Samson, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Samson, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Samson gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Samson, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Samson, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Samson shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me, Samson says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

 The booming voice goes: “un-fricking-believable!”