Published JOW #1343

 As most of you know I write books.  My last novel, Jac and the Princess, a sword and romance novel was well received.  My publisher just released my latest book, Sir Jac and the Queen.  It is obviously a sequel to my earlier book with both my protagonists moving up in the world.  My wife Ruth also illustrated this one.  It is available with either color or black and white illustrations.  To order a copy, just go to Amazon and type in ‘Sir Jac and the Queen’, or ‘Thos Pinney’ and you can order your very own copy in hardcover, softcover, or Kindle. 

In acknowledgement of my new book, my jokes this week are mostly about books and publishing.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Publishing is the only industry where “getting a rejection” means you’re making progress.

 

My book was accepted for publication, but the editor asked me to cut 80,000 words. Apparently, “Once upon a time” was too much setup.

 

An author, an editor, and a proofreader walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Please keep it under 80,000 words.”

 

I’ve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.

That’s the story of my life

 

I shoved my manuscript between my thighs and walked away with my tale between my legs

 

Publishing a book is easy: write it, revise it, submit it, wait six months, and pretend the rejection email didn’t hurt.

 

The librarian asked me “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to over due it.”

 

After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on growing herbs.

It's about Thyme.

 

I recently read a book about the Black Death

I am afraid the author was guilty of plaguerism.

 

"I bought a self-published book from my friend that's truly awful," said my wife.

"That's mean," I replied. "I'm sure she's actually a nice person."

 

I found a recently published book by my favorite author; he’s been dead for years.

I have a feeling it was ghost written.

 

There is a new way of publishing jokes. You can now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odor.  From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humor.

 

After many years, my father finally got his book, "Important Moments in Hydroelectric Power" published.  It’s about dam time.

 

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

 

A student asked why is ‘War and Peace’ so thick?"

His teacher told him “It’s a long story"

 

Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called "Special Military Operation and Peace"

 

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, but I mean, it’s hard, and I got a lot to do...

 

I've been reading a book on pet euthanasia.

It's so good I can't put it down.

 

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

 

Someone stole my thesaurus today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

 

A book I've been reading about brown bears spends way too long describing them.

It includes all of the grizzly details.

 

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

 

What's the difference between a math book and a chemistry book?

One has problems, and the other has solutions.

 

Recently I read a book called The Anticlimax.

The second part was disappointing

 

I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?
Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.

 

My neighbor just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

 

I found a book at the bookstore which said "How to solve 50% of your problems"

So, I bought two

 

Did you hear about the dog that writes books? Probably not, all he has is a ruff draft.

 

Writers are always cold because they’re surrounded by so many drafts.  One time, my teacher said, “Name two pronouns.” I answered, “Who, me?”

Can we all agree to leave writing poetry to the prose?

 

I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship.  He was always getting hung up on little things and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.

I hear he's dating someone now though.

 

Here are a few related grammar jokes:

 

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

 

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

 And to wrap things up

On his 75th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more virile than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.