I was having some game processed this week; I took the meat to a local meat market to have some sausage made. Imagine my surprise to find that when I got them back the ends of the sausage were filled with corn meal. When I asked the butcher why he explained that in these tough economic times it was difficult to make ends meat. That got me thinking about food in general and grocery stores in particular. I only know a few clean grocery stories; here are a few of them.
===================
The man approached a lovely woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
************************
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. As he went to the checkout line, she quickly cut in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her groceries," said the clerk.
------------------------------------------
A shopper asked a store clerk if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
++++++++++++++++++++++
Mary Ellen sent me this one; by snail mail no less!
An elderly lady decided to give herself a treat on a significant birthday by staying overnight in London. She checked into a very nice hotel and had a nice dinner with friends. The next morning the hotel clerk handed her a bill for £250.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It is a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth £250 for a night. That doesn’t even include breakfast.”
The clerk assured her that was the stand rate. Soon the hotel manager became involved.
“This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool, an elaborate exercise facility, and a spa on the premises.”
“But I didn’t use them,” she protested.
“Well, they were here and you could have.”
He went on extolling all the wonderful facilities that were in his hotel, the famous shows, the three restaurants, the fancy shops. For each of these amenities she had the same reply.
“I didn’t use it.”
To which the manager would reply, “But they were here and you could have.”
Finally, worn down the old girl wrote a check.
The manager looked down in surprise. “Madam this check is only for £50.”
“That’s right. I charged you £200 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t sleep with you!”
“Well, too bad. I was here and you could have.”
Tom
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Doctored JOW
I had to go to the doctor’s this week for a checkup. I suppose that is a function of getting older – a new car doesn’t need to go to the mechanic as often as a well used one. The visit got me thinking about physicians and health care which is a rich source of humor. Enjoy
A wealthy hedge fund manager suffered from a serious heart condition. Finally he decided to visit an old friend who had been practicing medicine at a charity clinic. The doctor quickly determined his rich friend had a potentially fatal condition but that it could be easily treated with medication.
Taking the prescription, the rich man shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have included a generous donation to your clinic in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
…………………………………………………..
Joe had been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed; it had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. He visited a psychologist for years trying to find some relief but to no avail. Finally he stopped going to his old therapist. A few weeks later, he saw his former psychoanalyst client in the supermarket; The therapist was surprised to find Joe looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.
“Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”
“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”
“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”
“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”
“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”
“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”
===========================
The arrogant doctor and his girlfriend got into a big argument at breakfast. "And you’re no good in bed either!" he finally shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned her. After many rings, she picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
-----------------------------------------------
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy hospital gown.
"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."
"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"
************************
Doctors have a Hippocratic Oath that outlines their expected behavior. These days HMOs have come up with a corresponding
Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to have the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
A wealthy hedge fund manager suffered from a serious heart condition. Finally he decided to visit an old friend who had been practicing medicine at a charity clinic. The doctor quickly determined his rich friend had a potentially fatal condition but that it could be easily treated with medication.
Taking the prescription, the rich man shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have included a generous donation to your clinic in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
…………………………………………………..
Joe had been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed; it had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. He visited a psychologist for years trying to find some relief but to no avail. Finally he stopped going to his old therapist. A few weeks later, he saw his former psychoanalyst client in the supermarket; The therapist was surprised to find Joe looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.
“Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”
“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”
“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”
“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”
“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”
“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”
===========================
The arrogant doctor and his girlfriend got into a big argument at breakfast. "And you’re no good in bed either!" he finally shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned her. After many rings, she picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
-----------------------------------------------
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy hospital gown.
"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."
"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"
************************
Doctors have a Hippocratic Oath that outlines their expected behavior. These days HMOs have come up with a corresponding
Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to have the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Cold Hard JOW
Well, winter, such as it is in south Texas, has arrived. We actually had water in some of our bird baths get a bit of ice. Of course the local media made it seem like the apocalypse: “Extreme weather will be in our area tonight that could kill you – watch at 10 PM to find out if your life is in danger.” That is to say it will be cold enough that if you go outside in tee shirt and shorts you might be uncomfortable. Okay, it was sort of cold. It seems like we get an awful lot of cold fronts down from Canada. Can't we weatherstrip the border or something?
A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice. Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the rocks. This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, “Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas”.
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”
“What do I think?” his mother said. “Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”
Years ago, people in the Texas panhandle got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Amarillo to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Texas; the idea being, to stop that cold wind. It might’ve worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough; but the real problem was that a couple farmers kept leaving their gates open.
And the weather can change rapidly in the Texas Panhandle. I heard a story that an old farmer was plowing his field with a team of two mules. It was so hot that one of the mules died of heat exhaustion. Before the farmer could get the dead animal out of the traces a blue norther came down and froze the other mule to death. Of course, some Texas do tend to exaggerate.
Martha sent me this one. It is too good not to pass along.
Bill & Rosie were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. Bill gets up and goes to the door where Ed is standing in the pouring rain, drunk as a hoot owl.
“Give me a push,” he slurs.
"Not a chance," says Bill, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked Rosie
"Just Eddie drunk as usual asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" Besides he just lives across the street for crying out loud!
"Well, you have a short memory," says Rosie. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”
Always the good neighbor and husband, Bill does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hey Eddie, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" asks Bill.
"Yes, please!" comes the drunken reply from the dark.
"Where are hell are you?" asks Bill?
"Over here on the swing set," replied Eddie.
Finally, some cold concepts:
It's so cold that Shania Twain covered her midriff.
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
It was so cold that I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole.
It was so cold that Apple introduced something called the iScarf
It was so cold the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold lawyers were sticking their hands in their own pockets!
It was so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup.
It was so cold there's no need to lock the back door because it's frozen shut.
A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice. Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the rocks. This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, “Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas”.
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”
“What do I think?” his mother said. “Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”
Years ago, people in the Texas panhandle got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Amarillo to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Texas; the idea being, to stop that cold wind. It might’ve worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough; but the real problem was that a couple farmers kept leaving their gates open.
And the weather can change rapidly in the Texas Panhandle. I heard a story that an old farmer was plowing his field with a team of two mules. It was so hot that one of the mules died of heat exhaustion. Before the farmer could get the dead animal out of the traces a blue norther came down and froze the other mule to death. Of course, some Texas do tend to exaggerate.
Martha sent me this one. It is too good not to pass along.
Bill & Rosie were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. Bill gets up and goes to the door where Ed is standing in the pouring rain, drunk as a hoot owl.
“Give me a push,” he slurs.
"Not a chance," says Bill, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked Rosie
"Just Eddie drunk as usual asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" Besides he just lives across the street for crying out loud!
"Well, you have a short memory," says Rosie. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”
Always the good neighbor and husband, Bill does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hey Eddie, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" asks Bill.
"Yes, please!" comes the drunken reply from the dark.
"Where are hell are you?" asks Bill?
"Over here on the swing set," replied Eddie.
Finally, some cold concepts:
It's so cold that Shania Twain covered her midriff.
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
It was so cold that I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole.
It was so cold that Apple introduced something called the iScarf
It was so cold the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold lawyers were sticking their hands in their own pockets!
It was so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup.
It was so cold there's no need to lock the back door because it's frozen shut.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Party JOW
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account." Oscar Wilde
Many of us make resolutions this time of year. I understand that too often these good intentions fail because we set unrealistically high goals for ourselves. I think I will resolve to take up smoking and spending more money this year. Those goals seem achievable.
While I strive to meet them here are a few jokes to start off 2011 with a general party theme.
++++++++++++++++++++
Jane was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond bracelet for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jane and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
………………………………………….
A Senator was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
-----------------------------------
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
……………………………………………..
A sweet young thing was seen on the arm of a very wealthy and much older man at a New Year’s party.
“What does she see in him?” asked a woman’s date.
“Easy,” the woman knowingly replied, “a hundred million dollars and high cholesterol.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money
because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it
on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local
hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of
the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going
to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."
And finally a few worthless but amusing ‘facts’:
• The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. – It is something writers constantly suffer from
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. – See what being married to a Toxicologist does for you?
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. – And if she is also of rural antecedents you find out about other ways to die.
• The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. – Geographical wordsmithing.
Many of us make resolutions this time of year. I understand that too often these good intentions fail because we set unrealistically high goals for ourselves. I think I will resolve to take up smoking and spending more money this year. Those goals seem achievable.
While I strive to meet them here are a few jokes to start off 2011 with a general party theme.
++++++++++++++++++++
Jane was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond bracelet for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jane and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
………………………………………….
A Senator was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
-----------------------------------
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
……………………………………………..
A sweet young thing was seen on the arm of a very wealthy and much older man at a New Year’s party.
“What does she see in him?” asked a woman’s date.
“Easy,” the woman knowingly replied, “a hundred million dollars and high cholesterol.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money
because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it
on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local
hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of
the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going
to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."
And finally a few worthless but amusing ‘facts’:
• The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. – It is something writers constantly suffer from
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. – See what being married to a Toxicologist does for you?
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. – And if she is also of rural antecedents you find out about other ways to die.
• The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. – Geographical wordsmithing.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Clean New Years JOW
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. We will be glad to see the end of 2010 – it was not the best of years for us. But each new year is a new beginning as well as a time for reminiscing.
I have a bit of history first that might come in handy for the new year followed by a topical joke, then I am reprising the single funniest bit (at least to me) that I can recall in the ten years I have been putting out this JOW.
----------------------------------------
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by the Scottish poet Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'
Here are the actual lyrics for those of you who are of a traditional bent and are still able to stay up until midnight.
Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne.
==========================
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
====================
And now: (insert drum roll)
The Saga of Hotel Soap
The following letters were taken from an incident between a London hotel and the old comedian Shelly Berman. I do not know if it is true but for some reason the exchanges just crack me up. It all started with a simple request to the hotel maid:
………………..
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
………………….
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
…………………
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
………………….
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
……………………………………
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeepe
………………………………………
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
………………………………………...
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
…………………………………….
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
………………………………………..
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
………………………………………..
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
I have a bit of history first that might come in handy for the new year followed by a topical joke, then I am reprising the single funniest bit (at least to me) that I can recall in the ten years I have been putting out this JOW.
----------------------------------------
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by the Scottish poet Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'
Here are the actual lyrics for those of you who are of a traditional bent and are still able to stay up until midnight.
Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne.
==========================
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
====================
And now: (insert drum roll)
The Saga of Hotel Soap
The following letters were taken from an incident between a London hotel and the old comedian Shelly Berman. I do not know if it is true but for some reason the exchanges just crack me up. It all started with a simple request to the hotel maid:
………………..
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
………………….
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
…………………
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
………………….
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
……………………………………
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeepe
………………………………………
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
………………………………………...
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
…………………………………….
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
………………………………………..
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
………………………………………..
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
………………………………………..
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas JOW
Here is a Christmas JOW for you all. I will start with a poem by Ogden Nash. I like it but continue to wonder how Mr. Nash made a living with poems like this one.
-----------------------------------
It is better in the long run to possess an abcess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
- Ogden Nash
+++++++++++++++++++++
Now on to the Christmas humor
Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă
I think Santa Claus is a woman. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once they do start shopping they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and processed amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the wall.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
A man can't pack a bag.
A man would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
A man doesn't answer his mail.
A man would refuse to allow his physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
A man isn't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Finally, having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit his ability to pick up women.
ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ
I am flying this Christmas. I noticed the Airline Formerly Known as Continental has put up some lovely Christmas decorations: Mistletoe. It is there so you can KISS YOUR LUGGAGE GOODBYE!
……………………………………………………
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Watch out," Phil told Will, ”that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
===========================
In a small east Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that had the three wise men wearing firemen's helmets. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
“They must have been firemen; it says so right in the Bible!"
I told her I simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, ’The three wise man came from afar.'"
Some short silly third-grade quick jokes.
-What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!
-What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
-What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!
-Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
-What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!
-Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he's always well dressed when he comes to dinner!
-Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
-Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
"Holly"-wood!
-Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!
-Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a "bar humbug"!
-I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!
-Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!
-How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!
-What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!
-A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange "hello's" with strangers and "good buy's" with friends!
-What is in December that isn't in any other month?
The letter "D"!
-Knock Knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
- Bringing this to a merciful end, here is a recipe for disaster
Every year during the holidays we get to create a masterpiece of culinary delight – Rum Cake
Here is the recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is still holding its quality - try another cup. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Open second quart, if necessary. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.
-----------------------------------
It is better in the long run to possess an abcess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
- Ogden Nash
+++++++++++++++++++++
Now on to the Christmas humor
Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă Ă
I think Santa Claus is a woman. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once they do start shopping they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and processed amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the wall.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
A man can't pack a bag.
A man would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
A man doesn't answer his mail.
A man would refuse to allow his physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
A man isn't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Finally, having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit his ability to pick up women.
ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ
I am flying this Christmas. I noticed the Airline Formerly Known as Continental has put up some lovely Christmas decorations: Mistletoe. It is there so you can KISS YOUR LUGGAGE GOODBYE!
……………………………………………………
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Watch out," Phil told Will, ”that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
===========================
In a small east Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that had the three wise men wearing firemen's helmets. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
“They must have been firemen; it says so right in the Bible!"
I told her I simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, ’The three wise man came from afar.'"
Some short silly third-grade quick jokes.
-What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!
-What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
-What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!
-Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
-What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!
-Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he's always well dressed when he comes to dinner!
-Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
-Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
"Holly"-wood!
-Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!
-Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a "bar humbug"!
-I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!
-Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!
-How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!
-What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!
-A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange "hello's" with strangers and "good buy's" with friends!
-What is in December that isn't in any other month?
The letter "D"!
-Knock Knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
- Bringing this to a merciful end, here is a recipe for disaster
Every year during the holidays we get to create a masterpiece of culinary delight – Rum Cake
Here is the recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is still holding its quality - try another cup. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Open second quart, if necessary. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Political JOW
My subject this week: professional politicians. I know, it is an easy target but I am a little busy. Actually, I am more irritated than usual with their antics. I look at Brazil that is currently booming. Its outgoing president says that the secret to successful government is to do the things everyone knows need to be done.” Recently a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into the Brazilian Congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans reassured them, "You'll get used to it". It is widely recognized that we have a major problem with our budget deficit. Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. Getting big deficits under control, like losing weight, is simple – you need to do two things. Instead of diet and exercise we must cut spending and increase taxes. I said simple, not easy. Typically Democrats want to increase taxes and Republicans want to cut spending. Recently they came up with a typical compromise: they will increase spending and cut taxes. “Hey, I know it is bad for the country,” one Washington politician was heard to admit, “but this compromise does accomplish the most important thing: it gets me reelected. And let me tell you, being in Washington is a sweet ride.”
The only thing the Democrats and Republicans seem to share in common is our money.
-----------------------------------
“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress – but I repeat myself.” -─ Mark Twain
……………………………………..
How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
_______________________________
This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn't for any religious reason. Congress simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Q: "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
A: "Election day."
Q: If Congress was a football division, what would the teams be called?
A: The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.
===================
Corrupt Chicago politicians would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night one of them came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot.
“No”, he angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard of worthless material in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $48,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Of course all this nonsense in heightened by over the top rhetoric by pop political pundits:
''When you see the effects of what they're doing to the economy, remember these words: We will survive. No -- we'll do better than survive, we will thrive, as long as these people are not in control. They are taking you to a place to be slaughtered!''
—Glenn Beck, on FOX News, Nov. 3, 2009
In reply to which Stephen Colbert responded
Who shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army, flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the teat of government welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is democracy."
………………………..
And finally, words of ‘wisdom’ from arch-conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia:
''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.''
You go Justice Scalia!
The only thing the Democrats and Republicans seem to share in common is our money.
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“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress – but I repeat myself.” -─ Mark Twain
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How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
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This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn't for any religious reason. Congress simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Q: "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
A: "Election day."
Q: If Congress was a football division, what would the teams be called?
A: The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.
===================
Corrupt Chicago politicians would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night one of them came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot.
“No”, he angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard of worthless material in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $48,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Of course all this nonsense in heightened by over the top rhetoric by pop political pundits:
''When you see the effects of what they're doing to the economy, remember these words: We will survive. No -- we'll do better than survive, we will thrive, as long as these people are not in control. They are taking you to a place to be slaughtered!''
—Glenn Beck, on FOX News, Nov. 3, 2009
In reply to which Stephen Colbert responded
Who shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army, flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the teat of government welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is democracy."
………………………..
And finally, words of ‘wisdom’ from arch-conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia:
''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.''
You go Justice Scalia!
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