Cold, Cold JOW #1337

I just got back from a trip to Iceland.  That got me thinking about a cooler climate. If you wonder what the weather in Iceland is like, there was constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.

Okay, actually the weather my trip was fine.  Somehow my jokes a cooler climate morphed into the battle between the sexes.  Enjoy

 

How did the hipster drown? 

He ice-skated before it was cool.

 

What does a cyclist ride in the winter 

An icicle.

 

I got hit in the face with a snowball, knocking me out cold.

 

Wanna hear an icebreaker?

Fat penguin

 

If you have ever been a cold drink on a hot day you may be entitled to condensation

 

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat is a warm toilet seat

 

What's a horrible icebreaker?

The Titanic

 

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be just water.

 

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.

 

Which got me into the topic of Men vs Women

Women want a lot of things from one Man.

Conversely, Men want one thing from a lot of Women.

 

When a man is quiet he is thinking

When a woman is quiet she is angry

 

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

 

A woman said to her boyfriend the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" 

He laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

 

Two academicians were talking.

"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major" 

"There is a Men's Studies major, it’s called history"

 

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes? 

They're called "The Ex-Men".

 

Wearing a seat belt Men: /
Women: %

 

What do women call men under 6 feet tall? 

They don't call them at all.

 

It’s funny how men and women both want to make their chest look bigger and that they're both just one similar search away from doing so.

Men look for pull up bars and women search for push up bras.

 

Women are the foundation of our society, but men are the ones who laid the foundation,

 

What's the difference between swim wear for men and swim wear for women? 

Men's swimwear is designed for swimming.

 

No man has ever won a game of "Notice anything different about me?"

 

So many double standards between men and women nowadays.  When a women has sex with a lot of men, she get called a slut.  When a man does it he gets called gay

 

What do you call an Irishman who likes men and women? 

Birish.

 

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a very pretty senior girl for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

And finally, a shaggy dog, or bee rather, joke.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.
He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a family of four along the way. He pushes his way through the crowd, rushing to the front of the line.
Finally, at the counter, he cuts in front of an elderly woman holding a frequent flyer card, knocking her purse to the floor.
Struggling to catch his breath, he frantically shoves his ticket and passport towards the airline employee.

"I'm sorry sir" says the woman behind the counter in a stern tone. "But there's no way I can let you in like that!"
Impatient and frustrated, the bee exclaims loudly "AND JUST WHY NOT!? I need to make it to my meeting in the United States, and it starts in six and a half hours! I had to stay in a god-awful hotel because my connecting flight was cancelled last night, I'm not going to have time to stop home and see my wife and kids before I get into the office, and my career depends on closing this deal by today!"
"I understand sir, but-" the woman starts to explain before being cut off mid-sentence. "This is the international gate to the United States, is it not!?" the bumblebee demands.
"Yes sir, but-"
“And this is the line for the flight specifically for bumblebees, is it not!?" he yells, voice growing louder and more impatient.
"Yes sir, that's correct. But you-"
“Then tell me” He shouted, interrupting her once more. "Why will you not let me board my connecting flight already? Because there's something wrong with my passport or ticket!?"
"Sir!" She booms loudly, ensuring he can hear her over his own frantic words. "I cannot let you in because you flew in the door upside down!"
"I-uh..." he suddenly hesitates, speechless for the first time as he realizes his feet are dangling in the air, his head aiming towards the floor. "Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, accept my apologies!"
His face blushed red with embarrassment, he quickly flips over and successfully connects into the U.S. bee port.