Birthday Party JOW #1076

Spring is the season for birthdays in our family.  I recently went to a couple of birthday parties.  The first was a third birthday party for my granddaughter.  There were lots of kids running around, balloons, good food, pleasant conversation with family & friends and of course, cake.  The second was a 101^st birthday for my mother-in law.  There were lots of kids running around, balloons, good food, pleasant conversation with family & friends and of course, cake.  Both were wonderful. Birthday parties are a celebration to mark the passage of time.  For kids this is wonderful; for adults, not so much. 

With that in mind, here are some birthday-related jokes.  Remember, birthdays are healthy - studies consistently show that people who have more birthdays live longer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.

```

A true friend is one who remembers your birthday and not your age.

+++

Ladies, there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy, and understands your friends and family.  His name is Mark Zuckerberg.

-----
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

 

Birthday riddles.

·         What is every horse’s birthday wish? A stable economy.

·         What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

·         Why are birthdays good for you? People who have the most live the longest.

·         What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older.

 

You know you’re getting old when…

·         You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

·         Happy hour is a nap.

·         There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

·         Things you buy now won’t wear out.

·         You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

·         You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

·         People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

·         You sing along with the elevator music.

·         Your new Chinese name is Yung No Mo

Now to segue to a new topic: Getting the right birthday present.

 

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday. But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

 

A logician asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday.  She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."

So he got her nothing.

`````

It was my wife's birthday the other day I took her to an orchard and we stood looking at the fruit for 20 minutes. Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

>>>> 

A man gave his wife a coffin for her 80th birthday. When she turned 81, she asked him why he didn't you get her a birthday present this year.

"You haven’t used the one I gave you last year."

<<<<< 

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.

The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.

“What’s the matter,” he asks. “My wish didn’t work.” she replies.

“How do you know already?” he enquired.

“You’re still here.”
-----
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday. She rejects them all. “Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
++++++

A man gave his young daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor.

"That's a pretty watch you've got there!” He complemented her.  “Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

^^^^^

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone only to find she had a wrong number. “Why didn’t you stop me when you realized it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”

++++

Middle age: that awkward period when Father Time catches up with Mother Nature.

Here is a bit I found about getting older.

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

++++

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly...

And finally, an Easter joke

A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist says, ‘I need to pull a tooth, but I’ll give you Novocain.’

The rabbit answered, ‘Uh-uh! Not me, Doc. I’m an ether bunny.’” 

Rapid reposted JOW #1075

 

I get a lot of help with my jokes of the week from all of you.  I share a lot of them, or as they say in this electronic age, I repost them without shame, and solicit others for more fodder.  Enjoy

Dave sent me these one liners.  Now you'll know for sure you are a groan up
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave
me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

~~~~~~~~

My neighbor came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over and asked if he needed a hand. He said "No I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"

 

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

 

Random concepts

If your last name is Mann…. Should you name your kids Hugh, or Bat?  I think calling him Spider would be going too far.

======

Him: I used to think correlation implied causation.   Then I took a statistics class.  Now I don’t.

Her.  Sound like the class helped.

Him: Well, maybe.

++++

One day, a financially successful father decides to take his son to the countryside to show him how poor some people are in contrast to them. The rich man wanted his son understand the value of things, and how lucky he was to live in a nice house in the city.
So they went to the countryside and spent one day and one night at his cousin’s simple countryside home. On the road back home, the father asked his son:
"So, what did you think of our trip?"
"It was great, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor some people are?"
"Yes."
"And so what did you see during the trip?"
"I saw that we have one dog, they have four. We have a pool at home, they live by a beautiful lake. The street lamps give us light in our garden, whereas they get the light of a million stars. Our backyard's ends at the fence, theirs as far as the eye can see. And finally, I saw they had the time to talk to each other. You and Mom work all day and I barely see you.  Thanks, Dad, for showing me how rich we could be.”

 

And finally

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from overseas. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.
Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher. So she clucked like a chicken and cupped her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .

Get your mind out of the gutter. Her husband spoke English.

Neighborly JOW #1074

 I live in The Woodlands, Texas.  Not ‘Woodlands, Texas’ that is a separate town up near Dallas.  Since that name was taken, the developers apparently decided to add a ‘The’ to it for clarity.  The Woodlands was recently named as the best city to live in by Niche.com. 

The Niche.com rankings are based on a range of factors about the community, including public safety and crime; public schools and other educational opportunities; cost of living and housing availability; diversity of residents racially as well as by education; nightlife and entertainment options; jobs and career options; and how family friendly a community is.  Having lived here 25 years, by far the longest I have lived anywhere, I have to agree.  However, the evaluations do not take into account the climate; for six months of the year we live in smothering heat and humidity, and that should take points off.  Anyway, here are some neighborhood jokes:

>>>>> 

A traveler is walking through a village in the country when a little boy comes running up and says, "Please, help, help, my mother is trapped in a well!" So the traveler comes to the mother's aid, she gives him some bread and a place to rest in thanks, and he moves on.
Next he is walking through a suburb neighborhood, when a little girl comes running up and says, "Please, help, help, my father is trapped on the roof! His ladder fell!" So the traveler comes to the father's aid, the father has him stay for dinner and gives him a place to rest in thanks, and he moves on.
Next he is walking through a big city. He becomes overwhelmed and stands in awe, staring around at the sights. He's never seen anything like this in his whole life. Then a big man comes running up, looking haggard and angry. The traveler sees him coming and turns to him, "What do you need help with, sir?"
The big man yells at him, "I need you to stop staring and get out of my way!"

^^^^^^^^^^

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.  After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other in a store.

"Hello old friend!" says the first man. "It's been so long! I have certainly become a true American since I last saw you. I have a wife, two kids, and a dog. I live in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs in a two story house, I drive a Prius and I have a job working in an office and I watch football every Sunday with my buddies and we drink beer and have barbecues! How American have you become my friend?"
The second man replied "Goddam rag head."

<<<<<<<<<< 

 

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.
Everyone laughed at the coincidence, and the two clerics agreed to have a race. A course was planned out, and the next day the two men took off.
The Catholic priest had a slight edge through the town, but when the course led out into more rural areas, the rabbi took the lead. Eventually the course took them to a narrow dirt road, wide enough for only one car; the rabbi was ahead with the priest was right on his tail. They passed a sign that said, "Danger! Bridge Out Ahead!", and came to a cliff where a bridge had recently been washed out.
The rabbi slammed on his brakes, his car's wheels locked up, and screeched to a stop just two feet in front of the cliff. The priest has just a tick slower to react, and his car rammed the rabbi's car, pushing its front wheels over the embankment.
With the rabbi's Cadillac balanced precariously on the cliff, the priest scrambled to help the rabbi to safety. Once both men were safe, they called the police and waited for their arrival.
A Boston cop came to the scene first. He looked at the two cars in the road. He looked at the damage to the front end of the priest's car. Then he looked at the rabbi's car, hanging on the cliff, with damage to its back end.
The cop took off his hat and scratched his head, wondering what to make of the situation. Finally, in a thick Irish brogue, he asked, "So, father, at what speed was the rabbi going when he backed into you?"

 

And finally:

 A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.
He arrived early one morning, surveying the house. Thankful for his presence, the young woman guided her friend to the room that she was thinking of customizing. It was fairly small and had five walls, the fifth of which held the doorway.
“I’m thinking of tearing down some walls in here to make more room,” she said. “Can you help?”
Her friend looked around the perimeter of the room, putting his knowledge of architecture to the test. Finally, pointing at one section of the structure, he gave a single warning. “This fourth one’s a load-bearing wall, you’ll have to leave it alone, or else this whole place’s integrity will be at risk.”
The woman nodded, but was clearly still perplexed. Leading her friend to the door, she thanked him for the help as he left.
A week later, he and the woman bumped into each other at a restaurant.
“Hey! Did I end up helping you out with our house problem at all?”
“You were a bit confusing, but I eventually found someone who could help.”
Curious, he asked “Well... who did you ask?”
A smile occupying her face, she answered “It took a bit of looking, but I found that the Redditors who were reading this joke were quite helpful!”
A look of panic crossed her friend’s face.
Concerned as to what possibly could be the problem, she asked, “What’s wrong...?” A few moments passed before he answered:
“I told you not to break the fourth wall.”

 

Been There JOW #1072

 Early spring weather in East Texas is a yo-yo.  Last week, freezing, this week air conditioning. I should be used to it – I have lived here longer than anywhere else I have been; and I have been around.  There are some spots I have yet to visit:

 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

 

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, and family.

 

I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. 

 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.  It's an age thing.  They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 

I had some “laws” jokes left over from last week.

 

Golub's Laws of Computerdom

1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.

2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; if carefully planned, it will take only twice as long.

3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.

4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Goodin's Law of Conversions
The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Gray's Law of Programming
N+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as N trivial tasks.

Loggs Rebuttal- N+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as N trivial tasks for N sufficiently large.

Grosch's Law
Computer power increases as the square of the costs. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast.

Hoare's Law of Large Programs
Inside every small program is a large program struggling to get out.
  

General Laws of Computer Programming
1. Any given program, when running smoothly, is obsolete.

2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.

6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

8. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will discover that programmers cannot write in English.

9. Software is hard. Hardware is easy. It is economically more feasible to build a computer than to program it.

10. An operating system is a feeble attempt to include what was overlooked in the design of a programming language.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.

 

Project scheduling "80/20" rule
The first 80 percent of the task takes 80 percent of the time. The last 20 percent takes the other 80 percent.

 

Some “lawless” jokes

Would you rather have a Steinway or a Henway?
What's a Henway?
About a pound and a half.

++++++++

A union boss walks into a bar from the factory next door, and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a MAGA cap with a mug of beer sitting in front of him.

 The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the 'Republican'.

 Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Union Boss.

 After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

 A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.   Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

 "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

And finally

Cartoonist Stephan Pastis draws “Pearls before Swine”, which appears in my local paper.  He loves wordplay and bad puns – just like I do.  Here is a sample from his strip.

 

Pig and Rat are talking.

Pig: “My best friend and his wife got busted for shoplifting.  He took a vintage record and she took a Rap CD and a ‘Canned Heat’ CD.”

Rat: “So they are both in trouble?”

Pig: “No.  My friend told the cops he took them all.”

Rat: “How come?”

Pig: “His wife could get in big trouble.  She has a record.”

Rat: “I thought she took the CDs?”

Pig: “She did.  And the record.”

Rat: “I thought he had the record.”

Pig: “He has no record – which is why he took the heat.”

Rat: “You said she took the Heat.”

Pig: “She couldn’t take the heat, which is why he took the rap.”

Rat: “I thought she took the Rap.”

Pig: “How could she take the rap with a record?”

Rat: “GUESS WHO DOESN’T CARE!”  And storms off

Pig: “Guess Who’ was the record he stole.”

Laws JOW #1071

 As most of you are aware, south Texas had some really cold weather last week.  We even got a nice layer of two inches of powder which stayed on the ground for almost a week!  While sub-freezing days are nothing special for most of the country, Texas was unprepared for the weather – millions lost power and drinking water for days on end.  Travel was severely restricted because the roads were icy and, unlike people in Dallas, people in Houston know they do not know how to drive on ice.  Although we were personally unaffected, we certainly know lots of people who had a very bad time of it.  We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  That got me thinking about other humorous ‘Laws’ which make up the start of my Jokes of the Week

·         Fedridge’s Law – Not only will things go wrong, they will go wrong at the worst possible time.

·         Law of Preparedness – bad things do not happen if you are prepared for them to happen.

·         Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

·         Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

·         Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

·         Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

·         Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

·         Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

·         Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the phone will both ring and be out of reach.

·         Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.

·         Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

·         Coles Law – Chopped cabbage mixed with mayonnaise, sugar, vinegar, and dressing

 

Which led me to some physics ‘laws’ jokes.

 

THE LAW OF ENTROPY: The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.

 

Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):

First Law:  You can't get anything without working for it.

Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even.

Third Law:  You can't break even.

 

Parodies of the laws of thermodynamics, in a science text book.

1. You can't win, you can only break even.

2. You can only break even at absolute zero.

3. You can never reach absolute zero.

 

Ginsberg's Theorem (The modern statement of the three laws of thermodynamics)

1. You can't win.

2. You can't even break even.

3. You can't get out of the game.

 

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:

"Every philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.

To wit:

Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.

Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.

 

Why are physicists are not considered cool, when thermodynamic entropy is getting cooler all the time?

 

Enough with the “Laws” jokes

 

An Israeli company unveiled the first 3D-printed rib-eye steak on Tuesday, using a culture of live animal tissue, in what could be a leap forward for lab-grown meat once it receives regulatory approval.

I can hear the orders now: “Sir, how would you like your steak printed?”

“Call me old fashioned, but Times New Roman, please…14 point font. “

 

From Dick’s Indian friend:

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because he did not peel good.  (That is probably a joke better spoken than read.)

 

Tor sent me these words of wisdom in difficult times.

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, “I understand your pain.  It’s going to be all right.  Here is a pound of weed and two million dollars.”

 

And something ridiculous to end with.

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

 Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of his 'pretzel' hold. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.”

Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

 As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

 All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

 A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

 He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

 Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

 His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

 The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

 When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

 Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat pretzel hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

 So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

 "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

 

 

Stone Cold JOW #1070

 To all my northern friends.  Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard.  Come down and get it back.  Actually we had a couple of inches of powder during the night.  It really is beautiful, changing my neighborhood into something pristine.  And it is so quiet; all you can hear is the crunching of your feet in the fresh snow.  Not everyone is so pleased about the cold weather.  Ruth’s favorite winter activity is putting on warm pajamas and going back to bed.  Some of you wonder at how such a modest (to you) cold snap is paralyzing a major city, but this region is not just not prepared for cold weather. 

Here are some jokes about the cold that may help warm you up.

>>>>>>> 

What do you call someone who hates cold weather?

A southerner

 

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...

I nodded knowingly. It's the early signs of typothermia.

 

I don't get why everyone makes such a big deal about the cold weather.

I'm out in it right now and I can't feel a thing!

 

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes.

 

Snowman jokes

Why Are There Only Snow Men And Not Snow Women?

Because only men are dumb enough to stand outside without a coat on.

 

How Can You Tell A Snowman From A Snowwoman?

Snow balls

 

What do snowman ride?
A bICICLE.

 

What Happened When An Icicle Landed On The Snowman's Head?

It knocked him out cold.

>>>>>> 

How Does An Eskimo Stick His House Together?

With Igloo!

 

The real reason the groundhog goes back into his den is when he sees his shadow and sees how fat he is.

 

What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backward through the snow together?
A receding hare line.

 

How cold is it?

·         Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

·         You have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

·         The rock in your shoe is your toe.

·         Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

·         People look forward to getting a fever.

·         I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

·         Trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

·         I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

·         I chipped a tooth on my soup!

·         If you want to hear what someone is saying, you have to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire.

 

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.

 

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in we can expect about 5 inches of snow. Or as my boyfriend would say, 8 inches."

^^^^^

I'm really worried about my wife and this weather

Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.
If this keeps up I might need to let her inside.

~~~~~~~~

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and sees that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:
“Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?”
 “Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.
“Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!”
“Ah, that must be outside.”

 

More Dad jokes

·         Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

·         I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!

·         Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Watch how far I can kick this bucket."

·         I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, "Mark, my words!"

·         How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

·         To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

·         My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!

·         I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

·         Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!

·         Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!

·         Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

·         I was named after my older brother... : And before my younger brother.

·         A man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars.  Police are working tirelessly to catch him

·         Plagiarism is getting in trouble for something you didn’t do

·         If you are paying $3 for a bottle of ‘smart water’… it isn’t working

·         My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water". : I know he means well

·         Is a tropical depression a form of seasonal melancholy?

 

Ever hear about the Roman general who had a fit every time there was frozen rain?

Hail.. seizure

 

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”

Then I saw her face..

 

 

 

 

A Shot at a JOW #1069

Getting the vaccine seems to be a big deal for a lot of people. I got the Covid-19 vaccination.  I'm not sure that Pfizer's Covid-19 vaccine will work, but it was worth a shot.  I now feel sorry for you unvaccinated people who are marinating in a toxic soup of toxic viruses.   Neener, neener, neener.  Vaccines can be a pain in the butt, even when they are a jab well done.  I gave that one my best shot.  I hope you got the point.  I was just trying to inject a little humor.

>>>>>> 

I know a woman that got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

Not everybody is on board with getting vaccinated. 

 ‘I’m not getting a COVID vaccine because they can microchip me,’ the man typed into his phone that tracks his location and logs all his communications. 

Don't take the Covid Vaccine - The first smallpox vaccine came out in 1796 and 100% of the recipients are dead.

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism:

My Oliver was vaccinated and is now nearly nine years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.
Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life, too.

I keep hearing people say that vaccines will make you artistic, but I’ve had my shots every year since birth and I still can’t draw anything well!

---

Of course they could just release the vaccine in vape form.  I promise you no one will ask what's in it at that point.

       ----

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, "Do you smoke?"

"Yeah, a pack and a half a day," said the patient.

Concerned, the doctor told him, "You should consider quitting."

"No, it's OK," said the patient. "I smoke with my left hand."

 

A few stupid jokes

·         I love veterans.  They take such good care of our pets

·         So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means.  It’s not the end of the world

·         I know that Europe uses Euros and Africa uses Afros.

·         I don’t know when the Cold War was but it was in the winter.

·         I’m against studying civics in school unless we also study other cars.  Why should we show favoritism toward Honda?

·         I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick I could hardly close my suitcase.

·         When the dog had his tail fall off, they had to take him to a retail store.

Ordering a Pizza in 2021

CALLER: Is this Pizza Delight?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! Thats what I want ...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust.

CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago... 

~~~~~~

 

Once upon a time, a long time ago a women was brought before the judge on a charge of theft.

The judge asked the woman what she had stolen.

She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of jail for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

Before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her henpecked husband piped up, “Your honor, wait!  She also stole a can of peas!”

++++++

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. 

Judge: “Where do you work?” 

Defendant: “Here and there.” 

Judge: “What do you do for a living?” 

Defendant: “This and that.” 

Judge: “Take him away.” 

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?” 

Judge: “Sooner or later.”