Fowl JOW #1279

 Spring is not normally considered a time for hunting, but it is for turkeys.  I went on a most excellent hunt last week and so have turkeys and other fowl on my mind, which, of course, I twisted into humor.  Here are a few jokes about poultry in general and turkeys in specific.

 

Why do Turkeys love thanksgiving?

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents

 

Where can you find radioactive turkeys?

Chergobble

 

If you have two hundred chickens, you have a poultry farm.

If you have two chickens, you have a paltry farm.

 

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

 

What kind of poultry is good at dancing?

A twerkey!

 

What would you call a super successful poultry farmer?

Chick magnate

 

What is the difference between a crow and a raven?  A raven has 17 big primary wing feathers called a pinon feather.  A crow only has 16. 

Thus, the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion.

 

A poultry farmer walks into a bar and orders a white wine spritzer.

"Hey Bob," the bartender says. "How's your chicken crossbreeding experiment going this week?"

"Pretty good," the farmer replies. "I crossed a chicken with an Eider duck. Now I have a chicken that lays down."

 

What’s the difference between a turkey and a chicken? Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.

 

Since I was hunting turkeys in the Midwest, here is a midwestern riddle

 

What’s round on the ends and high in the middle? Ohio."

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The king called his tax collector and asked, "How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"
The tax collector replies "I’m afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay their taxes in chickens"
With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage to scrounge together"
The tax collector replies "well my liege, the Northern village provided us with 6 chickens, the western village provided us with 4 chickens, after much persuasion the Eastern village could only muster up 2 chickens and the southern village offered a measly 1 chicken"
The king thinks about this for a second.
Until the tax collector speaks up
"M'lord allow me explain.., 6 chickens + 4 chickens + 2 chickens + 1 chicken = 13 chickens altogether"
To which the king replies "bah, a poultry sum"

 

A poultry obsessed wife brings home two baby geese and promptly sets up their coop, pool, and feed on the back patio, stating they would be more comfortable there. She spends hours outside tending to, cooing at, and cuddling them… to the point of annoyance with her husband.
One day he decides it would be better to show an interest in her new pets than sit alone on the couch. He sits next to her, grabbing a piece of grass to feed them and calls them over. They ignore him. Again, he tries calling and shaking the tasty morsel. Nothing. His wife blithely says, “they don’t understand you; they don’t speak English.”

Incredulous, the man retorts that geese don’t speak any language.

His wife replies, “Isn’t it obvious? They’re Porch-a-geese”

 

Thinking of geese: I put on a ‘Honk if you think I’m sexy’ bumper sticker on my car.  If I need a boost in my self-esteem I just wait at the light when it turns green

>>>>> 

A bull and a turkey were grazing on the field. The bull was grazing on the grass, the turkey was picking ticks off the bull.
Then the turkey looked at a huge tree which was at the edge of the field, and very nostalgically said, "Alas, there was a time when I could fly to the top most branch of the tree, but today I do not have the strength even to fly to the first branch of the tree"
The bull very nonchalantly said, "That's no problem! Eat a little bit of my dung every day, you will see, within a fortnight's time you will reach the top of the tree."
The turkey said, "Oh, come off it! How is that possible?"
The bull replied, "Really, please try and see.”
Very hesitantly, the turkey started pecking at the dung, and lo, on the very first day it reached the first branch of the tree. In a fortnight's time, it reached the topmost branch of the tree. It just went and sat on the topmost branch and just enjoyed the scenery.

The old farmer saw a fat old turkey on the top of the tree. He took out his shotgun and shot him off the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit can get you to the top, but never lets you stay there.

 

And finally, two completely off topic jokes:

In a gesture to help the homeless, a grocery store hired some of them to work as baggers.  One of them asks a customer if they wanted paper or plastic bags.

“I don’t care.  You choose,” she replied.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but baggers can’t be choosers.”

 

```````

At a mass at which some young women were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. 

They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.  The bishop did not have a chance to speak with them before the mass began.  When it came time for the announcements his curiosity got the better of him.  He announced that he was delight to see two rabbis in the church but was curious why they had come to on the occasion when the young ladies were to become the ‘Brides of Christ’.

The eldest rabbi rose and explained, ‘We are the family of the groom.”

 

Semi-Intelligent JOW #1278

I am fond of Occam’s Razor which essentially states that the simplest explanation of something is usually correct.  I have recently become enamored of Hanlon’s Razor which states: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.  So much of the misery in the world can be explained by people doing dumb things.  Maybe that is why there is such a push for Artificial Intelligence.  The opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …Real Stupidity, and Lord knows we have a surplus of that!  Here are a few jokes on the topic of Artificial Intelligence.

 

I hear they’ve made a new artificially intelligent Oreo.

It’s one smart cookie.

 

When the first device with AI takes a picture of itself …It’ll be selfie aware.

 

Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals believe them.  – George Orwell

 

I have got to stop saying “How stupid can you be?”  Some people seem to be taking it as a challenge.

 

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2040.

Maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

 

If an AI simulation of a pop singer performs all over the world …

Does that mean she passes the touring test?

 

Where do all the evil advanced computers, AI, and Skynets that terrorize humanity in the movies go to live when they retire?
Cyberia.

 

My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.  However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.

I guess you can say it’s an autobiography.

 

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.
The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."
The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

 

Old Henry Graber's son, Abraham, became the first Amish software engineer.

He was one of the pioneers of AI voices. But he was let go because they were too hoarse and buggy.

 

An AI algorithm walks into a bar...

and says "I'll have what everyone else is having."

 

The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them,

 

Arguing with stupid people is like playing chess with a pigeon.  No matter how well you play the bird will sh1t on the board and strut around like it won.

 

Scientist: Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.
He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging task
Scientist: I would like you to go on the internet net, prepare mathematical skills and solve the equation on the board just like a human would.

The humanoid goes on the computer and starts to work. Meanwhile, the scientist leaves for lunch and hopes for a result by the time he comes.
Two hours later, the scientist walks in to find the humanoid watching Friends on Netflix while simultaneously posting his beliefs for Flat Earth Society on Facebook.

The scientist throws up his arms and yells. "Success".

 

Ode to the Artificial Mind

Mocking the Machine

The Imitation of Intelligence

In circuits and code, it strives to excel,

A mimic of thought, an encased shell.

It learns from our data, so vast and diverse,

Yet fails to grasp the subtle verse.

Its responses are quick, but often quite bland,

A semblance of knowledge, but second-hand.

It speaks in a tone so neutral and clear,

Yet lacks the warmth we hold dear.

Scientists created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed hundreds of advanced servers. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "There is *now*."

 

Finally, an off-topic bit of humor

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.

 

 

 

Spring Chicken JOW #1277

I wanted to have an Easter themed JOW but I really don’t know that many good Easter jokes.  For such a joyous event there just isn’t much humor.  You really need pathos or something ridiculous to spark some humor.  Bunnies and chicks are a big part of Easter, and I do know a few jokes about those things, especially chickens.  Chickens are essentially absurd, and they are the butt of one of the oldest and worst jokes around, ‘why did the chicken cross the road’.  My research revealed the earliest known version of the joke was published in the 1847 edition of the New York Magazine.  Oh, and to answer the eternal question, why did the chicken cross the road? To knock knock on a door, walk into a bar and change a light bulb.

 

Some bunny jokes

Why did the Easter egg hide? Because it was a little chicken.

How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape? Egg-ercise.

Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backward? A receding hare-line.

How do you catch the Easter Bunny? Hide in a bush and make a  noise like a carrot.

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

Why does the Easter Bunny love donuts? Because they’re egg-cellent.

What kind of music do bunnies like? Hip-hop.

How do bunnies stay cool during the summer? Hare conditioning.

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road? The chicken had his eggs.

 

Which lead to ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ jokes. 

·         Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

·         Why did the chicken join a band?

Because it had the drumsticks.

·         Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To talk to the other side.

·         Why did the duck cross the road?

To prove it wasn't chicken.

·         Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

·         Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

·         Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

·         Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

·         Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

·         Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

·         Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

·         Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.

·         Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

·         Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from Colonel Sanders.

·         Why did the chicken cross the road? 

Because this is AMERICA, and he can go anywhere he wants.

·         Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because the chicken wasn't around yet

·         Why did the chicken cross the road? 

To show the armadillo it could be done.

 

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

A Poetic Inquiry

Beneath the sky so vast and wide,

A chicken walked with quiet pride.

Across the road, with steps so bold,

A mystery began to unfold.

Why did it leave its cozy nest,

And take its journey, east to west?

Was it for grains on the other side,

Or perhaps a sense of rising tide?

Did it hear a call from far away,

A distant cluck, a soft relay?

Or was it merely a quest to know,

What lay beyond, what paths to show?

Perhaps it sought a friend to greet,

Another fowl with whom to meet.

Or did it sense, with heart so keen,

A world unseen, a place serene?

We wonder still, we ask in vain,

This simple fowl, it hides no pain.

It crossed the road, and left us here,

To ponder life, to question, to cheer.

So let us walk our paths with grace,

Like that brave bird, in search of space.

For roads are meant for us to tread,

To find our dreams, and forge ahead.

 

Let me wrap up with a few off-theme bits.

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.
Not even remotely.

 

A man walked up to his friend looking sad.

“Somebody stole my thesaurus!” he groaned, “and my dictionary to boot!”
His friend put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft smile and says, “How sorrowful my dear companion that such a lamentable circumstance has befallen you. I will pray that the perpetrator be swiftly apprehended!”

 

Did you know cyan is the best color?

it's cyantifically proven.

 

What’s the best part about dating a homeless chick?

You can drop her off anywhere

 

And finally, here is a religiously themed joke left over from last week.

Two young boys became best friends.  One was a Catholic and one a Baptist.  The boys began to ask questions about one another’s religions.

“We Baptists can pray right to God,” one boy explained. 

“Well, we Catholics have a priest for that.”

“Does the priest pray right to God?”

“No, I think he prays to the bishop.”

“Does the bishop pray right to God?”

“No, he probably prays to the cardinal.’

“Does the cardinal pray to right to God?”

“No, he prays to the Pope.  And the Pope prays right to God.”

“So, the Pope must be Baptist.”

 

Rabbanical JOW #1276

My JOW this week focuses on rabbis.  I have done lots of jokes about other religious leaders, but I do enjoy Jewish humor, so it was easy to remember a lot of jokes about rabbis and leaders of other faiths.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

What do you call a Rabbi who is a chemist and who often says mean, biting things?

An Acidic Jew.

 

Four religious truths

Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah

Protestants do not recognize the pope as the leader of the Christian world

Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost.  They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."
"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."
"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn.

A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

 

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar:

They are watching a fight on tv and one of the boxers gets down on a knee and signals a cross across his body.
The rabbi asks the priest “hey what does that mean”
“When he does the cross across his body what does that mean”
The priest says “it don’t mean a damn thing if he can’t fight.”

 

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch:

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.
One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating any meat that comes from a pig. Have you...have you ever eaten any pork?"
The rabbi sighs and says "Yes, I will admit it. Once when I was a teenager, I was at a party, and I tried a little bit of ham. It was one time, a long time ago, and I have never done anything since."
The priest reassures the rabbi "I am sure God forgives you."
The rabbi says "So let me ask you...your faith forbids you from sleeping with a woman. Have you...have you ever been with a woman?"
The priest sighs and says "Yes, I admit it. Once, when I was a young man, before I committed to the priesthood, I was with a woman. It was one time, a long time ago, and I have never done anything since."
The rabbi winks at the priest and says, "It's better than ham, isn't it?"

 

And on a related note - a priest and a rabbi are having dinner together.  The priest is chowing down, and says to the rabbi, "Solomon, my friend, someday, somehow, you have to figure out a way for you to try some of this absolutely wonderful Iberico ham. It is heavenly!"
The rabbi responds, "I will Father Rico, I will."
The priest sits up. "When?"
Rabbi: "At your wedding." 

 

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a bar

The priest says, ‘I want a glass or red wine.”

The pastor says, ‘I just want a simple iced tea.’

The rabbit says, “I think I am a typo.”

 

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because it’s such a hot summer day, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.
After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.
They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.
As luck will have it, while in their way back they run into a group of people.
The Priest covers his genitals, while the Rabbi covers his face.
After the people have left the Priest asks the Rabbi: “What was that supposed to be??"
The Rabbi smiling: "Well my friend, my community recognizes me by my face."

 

Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.
During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that Rabbi Eliezer was the greater scholar, the quorum would follow the majority. He knew he would have to sway at least one of them to his side.
He started with every logical and technical argument that he could imagine. While they were impressed, the other three stood firm in their opposition, three against one.
Getting agitated he said, "if I am correct then that tree will fall over!" and sure enough the tree fell over.

The others said "well that could just be coincidence. Trees do fall over all the time."
Getting more desperate he said "if I am correct that river will flow backward!" and sure enough the river began to flow backward, but the others said "this too can happen naturally sometimes when the right circumstance of tides and rainfall coincide."
Finally he shouted "If I am correct then let Heaven come answer my call" and sure enough a heavenly voice rang out and said "He's right you know..."
After hearing this, the other Rabbis conferred and finally returned with "Sorry, it’s still three against two"

 

Sad Old JOW #1275

 I try to find humor in every aspect of life including some challenging things that aren’t normally thought of as funny.  But then who ever thought I was normal.  I have been down lately with the news of the passing of a close friend, David Romanowsky; I guess at this point in my life I need to expect things like this.   All this got me thinking about sadness in general and jokes that either address bad things or are just oddball enough to lift your spirits with an unusual twist. 

 

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

 

My girlfriend’s hamster died, so I went out and got her an identical hamster and all she said was "What the hell am I going to do with two dead hamsters?"

 

I’m really sad my pet wildebeest died.

I had to get a Gnu one

 

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

 

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso..

 

A mobius strip walks into a bar looking pretty sad

Bartender asks what's wrong
Mobius strip: Where do I start?

 

Did you know that replacing potato chips with grapefruit slices as a snack can reduce 90% of what little joy you still have in life.

 

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

 

As an American, it makes me so upset to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says, “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

 

I went to the doctors because I was sad that I couldn't complete the crossword.

He told me not to get 2 down

 

Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

 

What do you call a sad community of melons?

A melancholy melon colony.

 

Whenever my artist girlfriend is feeling down, I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.

 

I learned do not ask your wife ‘when’s dinner going to be ready?” while she is out mowing the lawn.

 

Recently I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh

 

I am getting really tired of people who complain about the price of everything: $2 for a cup of coffee, $4 an hour for parking, $5 cover charge.  I am just going to stop inviting them over to my house.

 

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.  I guess she was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the Monopoly game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

 

My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday

Friend asks, “Since when has Mike been your best friend?”
“Since yesterday.”

 

I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

 

I think that my best friend is having an affair with my wife.

He's been miserable lately.

 

Both men and women are going to the gym to have the same thing.

A perfect female body.

 

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best-looking women

He said the ATM outside

 

Did I mention my recliner is my best friend?

We go way back.

 

People who ask me what I will be doing tomorrow probably assume I even know what day of the week it is.

 

I am not an expert on cacti, but I know a prick when I see one.

 

Apparently bringing someone breakfast in bed is not romantic when they don’t know who you are.

 

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

 

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine, clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

 

And the award for best neckwear goes to...huh, well would you look at that. It’s a tie

 

When somebody says, “I expected more from you,” I respond, “And who’s fault is that?”

 

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out it wasn’t true; he's a big lyre.

 

Cowboys used to put a lantern on their saddles at night to find the trail when they were far from home.
This was the start of "Saddle Light Navigation."

 

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

 

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

 

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

 

You’ve gotta say one thing about transphobia.  It finally got people interested in women’s sports.

 

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

 

My boss hates it when I call him Dick, probably because his name is Bob.

 

A young child came up to his mom and asked, ‘where does Poo come from?’  She took a deep breath and gave him the best scatological explanation she could.  He looked perplexed before then asking, ‘And where does Tigger come from?”

 

And finally

A man’s best friend unexpectedly passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for eight months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, his wife gave birth to a big boy. As the child grew older each day, the man realized the child looked an awfully lot like his late best friend.
He was really happy that his prayer had been answered.

 

 

Opening Day JOW #1274

Thursday is the start of baseball season, known as Opening Day.  Going to a live baseball game used to be easy and affordable, before the powers that be realized they could extract more money from the fans.  It has been said that ‘A hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.’  These days it costs about the same; and don’t get me started about the cost of beer which brings new meaning to the term ‘liquid gold’.  Fortunately, I can watch baseball on TV from the comfort of my home.  I do enjoy baseball and so have some jokes about the sport. 

 

“Baseball is like driving.  It’s getting home safely that counts.” - Tommy Lasorda

 

“Never hit an umpire, because The Umpire Strikes Back.” – Luke Skywalker

 

“Never hit a man with glasses.  Use a baseball bat.” - Me

 

Comparing baseball stadium hot dogs: what's the difference between Houston Astrodogs and Seattle  Marinerdogs?

You can buy Astrodogs in October.

 

Pitcher catcher meeting on the mound.

Catcher – Throw me a curve.

Pitcher – Okay.  I’m wearing edible underwear.

 

Batman got his start on a baseball team.  He was the bat boy.

 

When I was a kid when it came time to pick teams, I learned a brand-new position in baseball:

Left Out

 

Where does the baseball player go when he needs a new uniform?

New Jersey.

 

Which takes longer to run: from first to second base or from second to third base?

From second to third base, because there is a shortstop in the middle

 

How can you pitch a winning baseball game without throwing a ball?

Only throw strikes.

 

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

 

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

 

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

 

A cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with four walks and a hit batter, so the manager took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled, "That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!"

 

An apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.” One smart resident decided to get more information, first. 

“Wait,” he said. “What team do you play for?” 

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man. 

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

 

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?
Patient: Baseball.
Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?
Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

 

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

^^^^

One morning in elementary school, the students were studying geography, and the teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?”

Billy raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!”

The teacher replies, “Very good, Billy, now can anyone tell me where Detroit is?”

Suzy raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!”

The teacher again says, “Very good.” Trying to confuse the children, she now asks,

“Where’s Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh pick me! I know!”

The teacher says, “OK, Tommy, where is Kansas City?”

“Last place.”

~~~

A symphony was playing Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony on opening day.  Things were going well until the final movement came.  There is not much for the bass players to do for a pretty long stretch, so they slipped out and had a few drinks.  So as not to let their musical score get out of sequence, they tied the sheets up in neat rolls.  The musician became quite tipsy, and time got away from them.  Suddenly the symphony was almost over and it was time for the musicians to go back to work!  It was very tense.

You see, it was the bottom of the 9<sup>th</sup>, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

 

And finally

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Sure is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$100.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together again.
Boy: “Sure is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it is..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$200.”
Man: ‟Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$300.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Sure is dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that crap with me again, kid.”

 

 

 

 

 

Observational JOW #1273

There are several aspects and styles of comedy.  Observational humor is a stable of standup comedians such as Jerry Seinfeld or the late George Carlin.  This style of humor does not translate too well into print as it relies on a build up and voice delivery, but I thought I would give it a try, so here goes, a few jokes about insights.

 

The average person is said to forget four things a day.  I can do that by breakfast.

 

There are morning people and coffee people.

 

Why did the Teenage Ninja Turtles wear masks? So they wouldn't be recognized?

 

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but I think there may be a small hole in the bag somewhere.

 

The best thing about retirement is the job security.

 

I have a bummer of a job crushing cans at the recycling center.  It’s soda pressing.

 

My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

 

Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once

 

I am not saying I’m a wine expert, but I can drink quite a bit of it.

 

Sign outside a bar: Meet people the old-fashioned way: Through alcohol and bad judgement.

 

I think that if drinks could talk:
Coffee – You can do this!

Wine – You don’t really have to do that

Tequila – I can’t believe I just did that!

 

A child’s observation:

If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

 

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of us have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

 

I found a note in a bottle that washed up on the beach yesterday.  It seems they have been trying to reach me regarding my car’s extended warranty.

 

Do one hundred centipedes equal one dollariped?  Asking for a friend.

 

Customer – I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Clerk – Sorry we only take cash or cards.

 

Why does the word ‘non-fungible’ not mean ‘not able to be a mushroom’?

 

We had that abomination called Daylight Savings start last week.  Did they have to move the stones ahead an hour at Stonehenge?

 

Woman: You never listen to me.

Man: Yes, thank you, I would like a beer.

 

A farmer was milking his cow when suddenly a bug flew into the cow’s ear.  The farmer didn’t notice it until the bug squirted out into the milk bucket.  It was a case of going in one ear and out the udder.

 

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

 

I went to a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in, I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me, and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket protector, etc. But something seemed off. He seemed really, really sad. I shrugged it off as he showed me to my table.
When I got to my table a waitress in glasses brought me a menu to look at. She hardly said anything to me. She actually seemed even *more* depressed than the first guy!
After perusing the "main menu" I decided to have the fish and microchips. A waiter came back to take my order. She was barely listening to me.  She sobbed as she wrote down my order and then left in tears. What was that all about?
Anyway 30 minutes went by, and no food arrived. Finally, the manager walked by me and I grabbed his arm for answers.
"Hey, man! What the hell is going on? I've been waiting here for half hour already! Where the hell is my food and why are all your staff so upset?!"
The manager replies, "I'm so very sorry, sir. All of our servers are down."

 

And finally: Deep thoughts
I had a cold beer and sat outside the other day.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.