Observational JOW #1273

There are several aspects and styles of comedy.  Observational humor is a stable of standup comedians such as Jerry Seinfeld or the late George Carlin.  This style of humor does not translate too well into print as it relies on a build up and voice delivery, but I thought I would give it a try, so here goes, a few jokes about insights.

 

The average person is said to forget four things a day.  I can do that by breakfast.

 

There are morning people and coffee people.

 

Why did the Teenage Ninja Turtles wear masks? So they wouldn't be recognized?

 

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but I think there may be a small hole in the bag somewhere.

 

The best thing about retirement is the job security.

 

I have a bummer of a job crushing cans at the recycling center.  It’s soda pressing.

 

My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

 

Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once

 

I am not saying I’m a wine expert, but I can drink quite a bit of it.

 

Sign outside a bar: Meet people the old-fashioned way: Through alcohol and bad judgement.

 

I think that if drinks could talk:
Coffee – You can do this!

Wine – You don’t really have to do that

Tequila – I can’t believe I just did that!

 

A child’s observation:

If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

 

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of us have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

 

I found a note in a bottle that washed up on the beach yesterday.  It seems they have been trying to reach me regarding my car’s extended warranty.

 

Do one hundred centipedes equal one dollariped?  Asking for a friend.

 

Customer – I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Clerk – Sorry we only take cash or cards.

 

Why does the word ‘non-fungible’ not mean ‘not able to be a mushroom’?

 

We had that abomination called Daylight Savings start last week.  Did they have to move the stones ahead an hour at Stonehenge?

 

Woman: You never listen to me.

Man: Yes, thank you, I would like a beer.

 

A farmer was milking his cow when suddenly a bug flew into the cow’s ear.  The farmer didn’t notice it until the bug squirted out into the milk bucket.  It was a case of going in one ear and out the udder.

 

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

 

I went to a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in, I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me, and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket protector, etc. But something seemed off. He seemed really, really sad. I shrugged it off as he showed me to my table.
When I got to my table a waitress in glasses brought me a menu to look at. She hardly said anything to me. She actually seemed even *more* depressed than the first guy!
After perusing the "main menu" I decided to have the fish and microchips. A waiter came back to take my order. She was barely listening to me.  She sobbed as she wrote down my order and then left in tears. What was that all about?
Anyway 30 minutes went by, and no food arrived. Finally, the manager walked by me and I grabbed his arm for answers.
"Hey, man! What the hell is going on? I've been waiting here for half hour already! Where the hell is my food and why are all your staff so upset?!"
The manager replies, "I'm so very sorry, sir. All of our servers are down."

 

And finally: Deep thoughts
I had a cold beer and sat outside the other day.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.