Opening Day JOW #1274

Thursday is the start of baseball season, known as Opening Day.  Going to a live baseball game used to be easy and affordable, before the powers that be realized they could extract more money from the fans.  It has been said that ‘A hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.’  These days it costs about the same; and don’t get me started about the cost of beer which brings new meaning to the term ‘liquid gold’.  Fortunately, I can watch baseball on TV from the comfort of my home.  I do enjoy baseball and so have some jokes about the sport. 

 

“Baseball is like driving.  It’s getting home safely that counts.” - Tommy Lasorda

 

“Never hit an umpire, because The Umpire Strikes Back.” – Luke Skywalker

 

“Never hit a man with glasses.  Use a baseball bat.” - Me

 

Comparing baseball stadium hot dogs: what's the difference between Houston Astrodogs and Seattle  Marinerdogs?

You can buy Astrodogs in October.

 

Pitcher catcher meeting on the mound.

Catcher – Throw me a curve.

Pitcher – Okay.  I’m wearing edible underwear.

 

Batman got his start on a baseball team.  He was the bat boy.

 

When I was a kid when it came time to pick teams, I learned a brand-new position in baseball:

Left Out

 

Where does the baseball player go when he needs a new uniform?

New Jersey.

 

Which takes longer to run: from first to second base or from second to third base?

From second to third base, because there is a shortstop in the middle

 

How can you pitch a winning baseball game without throwing a ball?

Only throw strikes.

 

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

 

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

 

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

 

A cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with four walks and a hit batter, so the manager took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled, "That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!"

 

An apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.” One smart resident decided to get more information, first. 

“Wait,” he said. “What team do you play for?” 

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man. 

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

 

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?
Patient: Baseball.
Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?
Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

 

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

^^^^

One morning in elementary school, the students were studying geography, and the teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?”

Billy raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!”

The teacher replies, “Very good, Billy, now can anyone tell me where Detroit is?”

Suzy raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!”

The teacher again says, “Very good.” Trying to confuse the children, she now asks,

“Where’s Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh pick me! I know!”

The teacher says, “OK, Tommy, where is Kansas City?”

“Last place.”

~~~

A symphony was playing Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony on opening day.  Things were going well until the final movement came.  There is not much for the bass players to do for a pretty long stretch, so they slipped out and had a few drinks.  So as not to let their musical score get out of sequence, they tied the sheets up in neat rolls.  The musician became quite tipsy, and time got away from them.  Suddenly the symphony was almost over and it was time for the musicians to go back to work!  It was very tense.

You see, it was the bottom of the 9^th, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

 

And finally

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Sure is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$100.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together again.
Boy: “Sure is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it is..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$200.”
Man: ‟Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$300.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Sure is dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that crap with me again, kid.”