Tasteless JOW #1229

Usually, my jokes are pretty clean.  The JOW has standards; they are low, but they are standards…of a sort.  This week my jokes are close to the bottom of those standards.  Some of these jokes might be considered mean, some are naughty, and a few are as close to scatological as I go with my jokes.  All of them are pretty tasteless So here we go with some pretty tasteless jokes for this week. 

 

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

 

What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose.

 

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have one. Break their bones; they have 206.

 

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

 

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

 

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

 

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

 

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"

The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

 

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

 

Farmer Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob.

Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately, so I talked to my psychiatrist, and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

 

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.

He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

 

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"

The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."

The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"

The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

 

A man started to have erection difficulties. His girlfriend and he had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought him some Viagra and he bought her a treadmill.

 

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh, never mind, it's too long."

Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."

 

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"

Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch; it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into." 

 

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."

The next calf comes up and asks,

"Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."

The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"

The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

 

A man and woman were divorcing and decided to get some counseling from their pastor.

“A divorce means you will have to split all your possessions, everything you have equally.”

“No problem, said the man.”

“What about your cars?”

“Easy.  We have two. She can have the SUV.”

“But you only have one house.”

“We can sell it and split the money.”

“But you have three children. You both love them all equally.  How will you split them?”

The couple shifted a bit, thinking of the old story of Soloman dividing a child.

Seeing an opening the Pastor thought he could see a way to keep the couple together.

‘Why don’t you try to have another child together?  Then, if after you have another child, and you can’t make the marriage work and finally divorce, you could each get two of them.”  He leaned back confident he had made a point.

The wife looking bored replied, “No.  If I had to count on him to make a baby I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”