Delivered JOW #1232

Things are getting a bit out of control with home delivery shopping.  The other day I opened my front door and there *wasn’t* a package out there.   I was amazed.   Amazon has become the new Santa Claus, and every day is Christmas.  Here are a few jokes on that general topic.

 

What do u call a delivery driver who doesn’t like his job

FEDup

 

Then there was the cheeky delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

 

I ordered a chicken and an egg at the same time from Amazon today

Now we wait to find out….

 

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

 

I tried to look up lighters on Amazon.  What did I get?  13,749 matches.

 

What do you call when Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together?
Amazon Web Services.

 

Did you hear about the reported stolen Amazon package?
The police are still looking for a prime suspect.

 

Did you hear about the kid who ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank?
He has no words to describe how angry he is.

 

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

 

Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

 

I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it toppled over, and knocked down the next one, which knocked down the next one, and the next one.
It was the Domino's effect.

 

A man started a new job as a delivery driver. 

When he got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door that said, "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".
It was six hours before they found him.

 

Amazon has come up with a new service where they will deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.
It’s called Tailor Swift.

 

I’m binge watching a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes: specifically, episodes number 2, 3, 5, 7, & 11.  It’s only available on Amazon Prime.

 

 I also have a smart speaker, specifically an Alexa, and of course I have Siri on my iPhone.  I get bored and ask them stupid questions such as:

What is the value of pi.  Alexa goes on for while before saying she is out of breath.

If you have one of these virtual assistants try asking them things like:

How tall are you?

How old are you?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

In general Alexa has a better, funnier and more nuanced set of responses.  You should try your own questions to your AI sometime.

 

Here are a few quick off-topic jokes.

 

“Planning meals in advance, now that’s some food forethought.” 

 

“They say some people ‘inhale books.’ I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.” 

 

“I bet there’s never any workers’ strikes at a stress-ball factory.” 

 

“I tell my friends, I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.” 

 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies. Probably because they’re generally the same people.” 

 

It takes those plastic bags from the grocery store almost a hundred years to break down.  Unless of course, you are carrying something breakable inside one as you bring your groceries inside.

 

And a few quotes.

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” Rita Brown 

 

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” Dorothy Parker 

 

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” Joan Rivers 

 

“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime — if not asked to lend money.”  Mark Twain 

 

An inspirational quote: 

“Believe in yourself, even if no one else does.”  Big Foot. 

 

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

 

A woman’s daughter brought a friend from school, and she said his great-great- great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later.

The mother was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
The daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

 

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” \The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!”

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store if the bird kept insulting her. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it squawked,

“Yes?” She paused, waiting expectantly for the parrot.

“You know.”