Grand Old JOW #1244

 I enjoy my role as a Grandad.  The only issue has been keeping up with the little rascals as they get bigger and faster, and I get bigger and slower.  I have a bunch of Grandparents jokes this week, some from my memories of my own grandparents and some from my current experience.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

 

What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?
He doesn't listen.

 

Shoutout to my grandparents

Because that's the only way they can hear me

 

Why do grandparents smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying.

 

My grandma got a new hearing aid.
“It was $500,” she said.
“What kind is it?” I asked.
“Ten-o-clock.”

 

"I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

 

"I remember the last words my other grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

 

I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift. She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

 

This morning, my grandpa walked into my room with a young guy with a goatee, eating avocado toast and wearing skinny jeans.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”

 

"My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle."

 

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that German guy who drives me crazy?"
"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

 

My grandpa's last wish was that when he died, we convert his ashes into a diamond. That's a lot of pressure.

 

My grandpa would always say, “When one door closes, another opens.” He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

 

"My grandpa always used to say to me, “Fight fire with fire.” It’s no wonder he got lost his job as a fire fighter.

 

My dear old grandmother always used to say that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. That's why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

 

My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror. Humble man; terrible driver.

 

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents, but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

 

Why was grandma so fascinated by a reversible sweater she was knitting?

She said, "I want to see how it turns out."

 

The rest of my family did not support the woman’s decision to have a baby, but her grandparents supported her decision.

They are great grandparents.

 

My grandfather was a baker in the Navy. He went in all buns glazing.

 

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he hasn’t been to church once.

 

What do you call a walking stick that makes grandma walk faster?
A hurricane.

 

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.

What kind of birthday cake does Grandpa like best? An old-fashioned one.

 

What happened when grandma accidentally dropped the basket of ironed laundry? We watched it all unfold.

 

My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favorite Captain when I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard.

 

Mitzi came back from a weekend at her grandparents' house and told her mom she's never staying there again. "They just sat around the whole weekend and had nothing on!"

"Nothing on!," her mother cried out in horror.
"Yes," said Mitzi, "no TV, no computer, no Xbox..."

 

What is worse than a Dad Joke?  A granddad joke:

One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question, "Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"
"No, grandpa."
"It said, between you and me, something smells."

 

“Back in the day,” a grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”
“But nowadays,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

 

Why do I spend only one hour with the grandchildren?
Because one hour with them and I feel like a kid again, more than that and I start feeling drastically old.

 

A five-year-old wanted to know who is heart and why did they attack her grandparents?

 

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

 

"My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday… Until she pasta-way."

 

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
“Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

 

What does a grandmother and a website have in common?
You can't deny the cookies.

 

How do kids tell you their grandparents called?  Depends on the generation.

Millennials: Gramps called.
Gen X: Granny called.
Gen Z: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.

 

A man walked into his grandparent’s house and caught his grandad kissing a beautiful blonde woman on the sofa.

"Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you said desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

 

And finally….

A child is visiting his grandparents.

While there, he says to Grandpa:
“Grandpa, tell me a story about Vietnam again.”
The old man says:
“It was May 1969, near Khe Sanh. I was in a chopper with four other Marines. 

Some gook shot the pilot, and the helo crashed. We survived, but Charlie was waiting. And there we were, five guys facing some fifty Vietcong...”
The child interrupts:
“But the last time you told me that story, there were only 20 Vietcong!”
Grandpa says: “You were too young then to know the horrid truth!”

 

 

Dog Daze JOW #1243

The hottest days of the year are known as the ‘Dog Days of Summer.’  I have made no secret of how much I hate the cloying humid heat of East Texas, and August is the worst of it.  However, since they are called ‘dog days’ every year I use the time to have a dog-themed set of jokes.  Here are mine for this year.

 

Me: What dog did you get?

Friend: Husky

Me: (In a low voice) what dog did you get?

 

Greyhound dogs never end up catching the rabbit. Every dog has a bad hare day.

 

What did the dog say to the tree? “Bark!”

 

It was raining cats and dogs last night, I nearly stepped in a poodle on my way out.

 

Then there was a mythical kingdom with a dog for a king and a cat for a queen.  It was reigning cats and dogs.

 

What happens when you buy a dog from a blacksmith?  As soon as he gets to the home, he’ll make a bolt for the door

 

 Why did the snowman name his dog “Frost?”

Because “Frost” bites

 

What do you do when your dog chews up your dictionary?

You take the words right out of its mouth

 

What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler?
Whatever you want but do it quietly.

 

What would you call a dog named Minton who ate a shuttlecock?
Bad Minton.

 

What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?
A Greyhound Buzz.

 

What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
Dingo Starr.

 

Why did the family take their watchdog to the watchmaker?
It had ticks.

 

What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
They get their masters.

 

What do you get when you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A collie-flower!

 

What kind of dog never throws anything away?

A hoarder collie.

 

Why are border collies such good listeners?

Because you can tell they really herd you.

 

How do dogcatchers get paid?
By the pound.

What did the Dalmatian say when he finished dinner?

That hit the spot.

 

What’s a herding dog’s favorite game?

Hide and sheep.

 

What do you do if your dog actually catches his tail? 

Take him to the retail store.

 

“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” — Dog mom

 

I tried to trick my dog into eating a healthy snack, but he didn’t bite.

 

My friend says her dog will retrieve a ball over a mile away, but that sounds far-fetched to me.

 

I can't take my dog down to the local pond anymore, because the ducks keep attacking him. It's my fault for choosing a pure bread dog.

 

Before a dog trainer met with a new client, she had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

The client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”

 

Dog jokes are cheesy, so let’s do some cheesy Knock Knock jokes.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Ooze.
Ooze who?
Ooze a good boy? You are!

 

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Woof.
Woof who?
Woof you please open the door?

 

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ty.
Ty who?
Ty up the dog before he gets loose again.

 

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Canine.
Canine who?
Canine get a treat for coming to your door?

 

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Unleash.
Unleash who?
Unleash the hounds, I say!

 

A dog owner’s version of Dr. Seuss’ “Oh the Places you’ll go”

“You’ll go on the sidewalk; you’ll go on the lawn.”

“You’ll go when its dusk, you'll go when it’s dawn.”

“You’ll do your business on dirt, grass, and sand.”

“And they’ll pick it up with that bag in their hand.”

  

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? Amazing, right? How about a drink?”

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”

 

Three boys see a fire engine with a dog go by and discuss what his job is.

‘Crowd control?’ says one boy.

‘He’s the mascot.’ says the second boy.

The third boy nods sagely: ‘He finds fire hydrants.’

 

A man walks into an animal hospital with his bulldog and says, “My dog is cross-eyed, can you fix it?”

The vet replies, “Let’s have a look at what’s wrong.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. After thoroughly inspecting the dog for a few minutes, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?! You’re going to put him down because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he is really, really heavy.”

 

Difference Between a Cat and Dog

A woman lives with both a cat and dog. Everyday she’ll feed them, clean up after them and provide plenty of love and attention.

The dog is very grateful. As the owner approaches the dog and fills his bowl with kibbles, the dog thinks” Wow, you do all this for me, every day.  They must be gods.”

The owner then walks over to the cat and gives her daily food.

The cat thinks to herself,” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. I must be a god.”

And finally

Two dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”

“I know,” says the second owner.

“How do you know?” the first demands.

“My dog told me.”

 

 

Olympic JOW #1242

 

As you know I tend to have themes for my weekly jokes.  I was planning on doing my annual Dog Days JOW about how miserably hot and humid it is, but the Olympics just wrapped up, so I decided to go with that as a theme.  Besides, it will be plenty of time to make jokes about the hot weather.  It will be just this miserably hot for the rest of the month.   And the month after that.  And the month after that.  Sigh

Here are the Olympic jokes:

 

Karl Marx had a sister named Onya that was an Olympic athlete. She is still honored today; her name is invoked at the start of every foot race.

 

Why do the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

 

Then there was an unfortunate Olympics story:

A gymnast walked into a bar.

 

Another gymnast explained why he did so poorly in the Paris Olympics.

He said, “Eiffel over too many times.”

 

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come in fourth so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

 

Which Olympic sport generates the most conversation?
Discus.

 

Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal in the Paris Olympics?
She was so proud she had it bronzed.

 

At the Olympic Village, a spectator saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, “No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”

 

What do athletes do with a camera?
Take Olympics.

 

The old actor George Hamilton once entered the suntanning Olympics, but he only got bronze.

 

What’s the best Olympic sport?
Diving, hands down

 

There was a school that taught people to swim the backstroke.
Unfortunately, it couldn’t stay afloat, and the school went belly up.

 

After Nigeria was unable to win any gold medals in the Paris Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who traveled to France.
He said he just needed their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction.

 

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?
She didn’t win any medals, but her execution was flawless.

An old one:

China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but was stripped of the medal after it was revealed that Dong Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those medalling kids.

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets.
The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said, “Bentley, England, pole vaulting,” and they let him in.
The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said “McGregor, Scotland, discus,” and they let him in.
The Irish man picked up a roll of chicken wire, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said, “Murphy, Ireland, fencing.”

 

Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman

'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete
'Pole vault' he says
'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the instructor 'And then I'll be convinced that you're a decent pole vaulter'
'What's your event?' she asked the second athlete
'Hurdling' he says
'You will spend the next hour hurdling!' barks the instructor 'And then I'll be convinced that you're a decent hurdler'
Before the instructor could ask the third athlete, she noticed he was suppressing laughter.
'What are you laughing at?' she barked
'Nothing' he giggled
'Well, what's your event?'
'Breaststroke'

 

And finally. 

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented and they were married, and they went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in the jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible.”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice, and I worked both sides of the canal.”

 

Riddle me this JOW #1241

 I enjoy riddles and puzzles.  Though not jokes as such they are often amusing.  I decided to use a bunch of riddles as my theme this week followed by a few other more typical jokes and one liners.  The answers to the riddles are located at the end of the post.  HInt, I love word play.

1.      What five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

2.      What ten letter word starts with gas.

3.      What flies all day but never goes anywhere?

4.      If a red house is made of red bricks, and a blue house is made of blue bricks, and a yellow house is made of yellow bricks, what is a green house made of?

5.      You can hear it, but you can’t see or touch it.  It is unique to you but everyone has one.  What is it?

6.      What seven letters did Sophie say when she saw there was nothing to eat in the refrigerator?

7.      What do you see in water that never gets wet?

8.      What can go up the chimney when down but cannot go down the chimney when up?

9.      What word has 26 letters but only three syllables?

10. Forward I am heavy but backward I am not.  What am I?

11. What four letter word can be written forward, backward, and upside down and still make sense when read right to left?

12. What five letter word is pronounced the same even if take away four of it’s letters?

13. What loses its head in the morning but gets it back at night?

14. What is round on both ends but high in the middle?

15. What type of cheese is made backward?

16. What goes up and down but never moves?

17. What breaks but never falls, and falls but never breaks?

18. I can sizzle like bacon but am made by an egg.  I have plenty of backbone but lack a leg.  I peel layers like an onion, but still remain whole.  I long like a flagpole but yet fit in a hole

19. Wise humans are sure of it.  Even fools know it.  The rich want it.  The greatest heroes fear it, yet the lowliest cowards would die for it.  What is it?

20. It lives in winter and dies in summer and grows down with its roots on top.  What is it?

21. I have no sword, I have no spear, yet rule a horde that many fear.  My soldiers fight with wicked sting.  I rule with might but am no king.  What am I?

22. Break me and I get better, immediately harder to break again.  What am I?

23. Some people try to hide me, but always will I show.  Not matter how hard people try, never down will I go.  What am I?

24. Is it correct to say ‘the yoke of eggs is white’ or the yoke of eggs are white’?

25. I am not alive, but I grow.  I have no lungs, but I need air.  I have no mouth, but water drowns me.  What am I?

26. I grow down as I grow up.  What am I?

27. If two is company and three’s a crowd, what are four and five?

28. Take off my skin and I won’t cry.  But you will.  What am I?

29. I am a seed with three letters in my name.  Take away two and I still sound the same.  What am I?

30. Which tree is said to be the oldest tree?

Here few regular jokes for your amusement

·         There was a body building seminar here recently, hosted by Dr. Frankenstein.

 

·         If you break up with your tractor, do you send them a John Deere letter?

 

·         There was a big fight at the seafood restaurant.  Battered fish were everywhere.

 

·         If you are going to do something, give 100%.  Well, except when you are giving blood.

 

A man took his seven-year-old son to the zoo and as they were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

The dad was shocked and slightly embarrassed, as everybody was looking at them.

“What did you just call it?” He asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said,

And so it did:  A F R I C A N Elephant

 

Riddle answers

1.      Short

2.      Automobile

3.      A flag

4.      Glass

5.      Your voice

6.      I C U R M T

7.      A reflection

8.      An umbrella

9.      Alphabet

10. The word ‘ton’

11. The word “noon’

12. Queue

13. A pillow

14. Ohio

15. Edam

16. A flight of stairs

17. Day and night

18. A snake

19. Nothing

20. An icicle

21. A queen bee

22. A world record

23. Age

24. Neither.  Egg yolks are yellow.

25. Fire

26. A goose

27. Nine

28. An onion

29. A pea

30. The Elder tree

And finally

It's a warm summer evening and a hot-blooded couple had a heated argument; the woman accused her man of adultery. Back and forth they shouted, getting louder and angrier and more upset with each exchange. Eventually the woman’s anger boils over and in a fit of rage she reaches over, pulls his penis out, slices it off and hurled it out the window of their speeding car.
Meanwhile, a middle-aged man is driving down the same highway with his six-year-old daughter. Suddenly, a bloody severed penis flies out of nowhere and **SMACKS** against the windshield, where it flops around for a few seconds before sliding off to the side.
The young girl jumps forward in her seat, startled, and exclaims "Oh, my GOSH!!! Daddy, what was that?"
The father panics: his daughter is still too young and innocent to learn about such things as penises. He thinks quickly and tells her "Don't worry, sweetie. It was just a bug."
"Oh, okay Daddy" she responds, and they continue on their way. After a few minutes of silence, the little girl looks up at her father and said "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"