Olympic JOW #1242

 

As you know I tend to have themes for my weekly jokes.  I was planning on doing my annual Dog Days JOW about how miserably hot and humid it is, but the Olympics just wrapped up, so I decided to go with that as a theme.  Besides, it will be plenty of time to make jokes about the hot weather.  It will be just this miserably hot for the rest of the month.   And the month after that.  And the month after that.  Sigh

Here are the Olympic jokes:

 

Karl Marx had a sister named Onya that was an Olympic athlete. She is still honored today; her name is invoked at the start of every foot race.

 

Why do the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

 

Then there was an unfortunate Olympics story:

A gymnast walked into a bar.

 

Another gymnast explained why he did so poorly in the Paris Olympics.

He said, “Eiffel over too many times.”

 

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come in fourth so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

 

Which Olympic sport generates the most conversation?
Discus.

 

Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal in the Paris Olympics?
She was so proud she had it bronzed.

 

At the Olympic Village, a spectator saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, “No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”

 

What do athletes do with a camera?
Take Olympics.

 

The old actor George Hamilton once entered the suntanning Olympics, but he only got bronze.

 

What’s the best Olympic sport?
Diving, hands down

 

There was a school that taught people to swim the backstroke.
Unfortunately, it couldn’t stay afloat, and the school went belly up.

 

After Nigeria was unable to win any gold medals in the Paris Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who traveled to France.
He said he just needed their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction.

 

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?
She didn’t win any medals, but her execution was flawless.

An old one:

China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but was stripped of the medal after it was revealed that Dong Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those medalling kids.

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets.
The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said, “Bentley, England, pole vaulting,” and they let him in.
The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said “McGregor, Scotland, discus,” and they let him in.
The Irish man picked up a roll of chicken wire, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said, “Murphy, Ireland, fencing.”

 

Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman

'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete
'Pole vault' he says
'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the instructor 'And then I'll be convinced that you're a decent pole vaulter'
'What's your event?' she asked the second athlete
'Hurdling' he says
'You will spend the next hour hurdling!' barks the instructor 'And then I'll be convinced that you're a decent hurdler'
Before the instructor could ask the third athlete, she noticed he was suppressing laughter.
'What are you laughing at?' she barked
'Nothing' he giggled
'Well, what's your event?'
'Breaststroke'

 

And finally. 

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented and they were married, and they went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in the jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible.”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice, and I worked both sides of the canal.”