Grand Old JOW #1244

 I enjoy my role as a Grandad.  The only issue has been keeping up with the little rascals as they get bigger and faster, and I get bigger and slower.  I have a bunch of Grandparents jokes this week, some from my memories of my own grandparents and some from my current experience.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

 

What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?
He doesn't listen.

 

Shoutout to my grandparents

Because that's the only way they can hear me

 

Why do grandparents smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying.

 

My grandma got a new hearing aid.
“It was $500,” she said.
“What kind is it?” I asked.
“Ten-o-clock.”

 

"I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

 

"I remember the last words my other grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

 

I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift. She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

 

This morning, my grandpa walked into my room with a young guy with a goatee, eating avocado toast and wearing skinny jeans.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”

 

"My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle."

 

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that German guy who drives me crazy?"
"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

 

My grandpa's last wish was that when he died, we convert his ashes into a diamond. That's a lot of pressure.

 

My grandpa would always say, “When one door closes, another opens.” He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

 

"My grandpa always used to say to me, “Fight fire with fire.” It’s no wonder he got lost his job as a fire fighter.

 

My dear old grandmother always used to say that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. That's why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

 

My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror. Humble man; terrible driver.

 

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents, but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

 

Why was grandma so fascinated by a reversible sweater she was knitting?

She said, "I want to see how it turns out."

 

The rest of my family did not support the woman’s decision to have a baby, but her grandparents supported her decision.

They are great grandparents.

 

My grandfather was a baker in the Navy. He went in all buns glazing.

 

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he hasn’t been to church once.

 

What do you call a walking stick that makes grandma walk faster?
A hurricane.

 

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.

What kind of birthday cake does Grandpa like best? An old-fashioned one.

 

What happened when grandma accidentally dropped the basket of ironed laundry? We watched it all unfold.

 

My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favorite Captain when I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard.

 

Mitzi came back from a weekend at her grandparents' house and told her mom she's never staying there again. "They just sat around the whole weekend and had nothing on!"

"Nothing on!," her mother cried out in horror.
"Yes," said Mitzi, "no TV, no computer, no Xbox..."

 

What is worse than a Dad Joke?  A granddad joke:

One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question, "Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"
"No, grandpa."
"It said, between you and me, something smells."

 

“Back in the day,” a grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”
“But nowadays,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

 

Why do I spend only one hour with the grandchildren?
Because one hour with them and I feel like a kid again, more than that and I start feeling drastically old.

 

A five-year-old wanted to know who is heart and why did they attack her grandparents?

 

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

 

"My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday… Until she pasta-way."

 

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
“Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

 

What does a grandmother and a website have in common?
You can't deny the cookies.

 

How do kids tell you their grandparents called?  Depends on the generation.

Millennials: Gramps called.
Gen X: Granny called.
Gen Z: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.

 

A man walked into his grandparent’s house and caught his grandad kissing a beautiful blonde woman on the sofa.

"Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you said desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

 

And finally….

A child is visiting his grandparents.

While there, he says to Grandpa:
“Grandpa, tell me a story about Vietnam again.”
The old man says:
“It was May 1969, near Khe Sanh. I was in a chopper with four other Marines. 

Some gook shot the pilot, and the helo crashed. We survived, but Charlie was waiting. And there we were, five guys facing some fifty Vietcong...”
The child interrupts:
“But the last time you told me that story, there were only 20 Vietcong!”
Grandpa says: “You were too young then to know the horrid truth!”