Dog Daze JOW #1243

The hottest days of the year are known as the ‘Dog Days of Summer.’  I have made no secret of how much I hate the cloying humid heat of East Texas, and August is the worst of it.  However, since they are called ‘dog days’ every year I use the time to have a dog-themed set of jokes.  Here are mine for this year.

 

Me: What dog did you get?

Friend: Husky

Me: (In a low voice) what dog did you get?

 

Greyhound dogs never end up catching the rabbit. Every dog has a bad hare day.

 

What did the dog say to the tree? “Bark!”

 

It was raining cats and dogs last night, I nearly stepped in a poodle on my way out.

 

Then there was a mythical kingdom with a dog for a king and a cat for a queen.  It was reigning cats and dogs.

 

What happens when you buy a dog from a blacksmith?  As soon as he gets to the home, he’ll make a bolt for the door

 

 Why did the snowman name his dog “Frost?”

Because “Frost” bites

 

What do you do when your dog chews up your dictionary?

You take the words right out of its mouth

 

What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler?
Whatever you want but do it quietly.

 

What would you call a dog named Minton who ate a shuttlecock?
Bad Minton.

 

What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?
A Greyhound Buzz.

 

What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
Dingo Starr.

 

Why did the family take their watchdog to the watchmaker?
It had ticks.

 

What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
They get their masters.

 

What do you get when you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A collie-flower!

 

What kind of dog never throws anything away?

A hoarder collie.

 

Why are border collies such good listeners?

Because you can tell they really herd you.

 

How do dogcatchers get paid?
By the pound.

What did the Dalmatian say when he finished dinner?

That hit the spot.

 

What’s a herding dog’s favorite game?

Hide and sheep.

 

What do you do if your dog actually catches his tail? 

Take him to the retail store.

 

“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” — Dog mom

 

I tried to trick my dog into eating a healthy snack, but he didn’t bite.

 

My friend says her dog will retrieve a ball over a mile away, but that sounds far-fetched to me.

 

I can't take my dog down to the local pond anymore, because the ducks keep attacking him. It's my fault for choosing a pure bread dog.

 

Before a dog trainer met with a new client, she had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

The client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”

 

Dog jokes are cheesy, so let’s do some cheesy Knock Knock jokes.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Ooze.
Ooze who?
Ooze a good boy? You are!

 

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Woof.
Woof who?
Woof you please open the door?

 

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ty.
Ty who?
Ty up the dog before he gets loose again.

 

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Canine.
Canine who?
Canine get a treat for coming to your door?

 

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?
Unleash.
Unleash who?
Unleash the hounds, I say!

 

A dog owner’s version of Dr. Seuss’ “Oh the Places you’ll go”

“You’ll go on the sidewalk; you’ll go on the lawn.”

“You’ll go when its dusk, you'll go when it’s dawn.”

“You’ll do your business on dirt, grass, and sand.”

“And they’ll pick it up with that bag in their hand.”

  

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? Amazing, right? How about a drink?”

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”

 

Three boys see a fire engine with a dog go by and discuss what his job is.

‘Crowd control?’ says one boy.

‘He’s the mascot.’ says the second boy.

The third boy nods sagely: ‘He finds fire hydrants.’

 

A man walks into an animal hospital with his bulldog and says, “My dog is cross-eyed, can you fix it?”

The vet replies, “Let’s have a look at what’s wrong.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. After thoroughly inspecting the dog for a few minutes, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?! You’re going to put him down because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he is really, really heavy.”

 

Difference Between a Cat and Dog

A woman lives with both a cat and dog. Everyday she’ll feed them, clean up after them and provide plenty of love and attention.

The dog is very grateful. As the owner approaches the dog and fills his bowl with kibbles, the dog thinks” Wow, you do all this for me, every day.  They must be gods.”

The owner then walks over to the cat and gives her daily food.

The cat thinks to herself,” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. I must be a god.”

And finally

Two dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”

“I know,” says the second owner.

“How do you know?” the first demands.

“My dog told me.”