Grab Bag JOW #1246

 I am fresh out of themes for this week, so I am just going to throw up a bunch of jokes I have around.  Most of them are quick hitters, primarily in the format of riddles.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

·         What do you call it when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.

·         Why are elevator jokes so good? Because they work on so many levels.

·         What do you call advice from a cow? Beef Tips.

·         Why are pediatricians always so grumpy? They have little patients.

·         Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

·         What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

·         What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

·         Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

·         What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

·         Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed!

·         What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.

·         What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple except for the rabbit.

·         I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

·         What does a house wear? Address!

·         What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

·         Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrgh!

·         What type of candy is always late? A chocolate.

·         What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Ca-shew!

·         Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

·         Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

·         Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

·         Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

·         What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

·         Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.

·         Who eats snails? People who don’t like fast food!

·         What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.

·         What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

·         How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.

·         What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.

·         What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.

·         What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”

·         Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

·         How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.

·         Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long? Because if it were 12 inches, it would be a foot.

·         What's Irish and stays outside all year long?  Paddy O'Furniture

·         I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He told me they all look that way and I should have left it in the garden.

·         Every morning, I announce that I’m going running, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.

 

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So, I turned on the air conditioning.

 

People in Europe used to hide Jewish children in their basement.

Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

 

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”
“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.
“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with a couple of guys in it drives by. "Wow,” says one to the other. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

 

A couple of leftover grandparent jokes lto wrap it up

Two grandparents are having a phone call talking about their family. One grandparent talks about how proud she is that her granddaughter came to visit her while socially distanced

The other said - “my grandson is so protective of me. He socially distances so much he won’t even call me!”

 

Timothy was visiting his grandparents for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents were happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents were very religious people, and did not care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, swinging ang enjoying himself. Granny Betty Lou was proudly showing off her grandson to her friends, when Timothy suddenly shouted "Grandmother, I need to take a piss!". Betty Lou hurried over to Timothy, as fast as her arthritis-ridden legs could carry her, afraid she would have to sit alone at church, having a grandchild with such foul language.

"Oh, Timothy" she said. "Don't speak like that!".

"But I really have to piss, grandma!" Timothy replied.

Betty Lou patted Timothy on the head and said, "If you have you pee, just say you have to whistle, and I'll take you to the toilet, dear".

Fortunately, it seemed like Gabby, Millie and Martha didn't catch Timothy's rude outburst. They went to the toilet and Betty Lou's perfect grandson-image was saved.
Later that same evening, Timothy was neatly tucked in. Grandpa Harry and Grandmother Betty Lou had been watching TV and Betty Lou was completely knocked out after running after Timothy all day in the park. "Grandma!" Timmy shouted. Betty Lou was fast asleep, so Grandpa Harry went to check what he wanted.

"Grandpa. I need to whistle".

Harry looked a little confused at Timothy and said "No, it's time to sleep now, Timmy. We can whistle tomorrow if you want".

"Oh, but I really need to whistle now!".

Grandpa Harry was firmer in his tone "Timmy, you can't whistle now, grandma is sleeping. You'll wake her". But Timothy was very persistent and kept on begging his grandad. Finally, the old man sat down on the edge of the bed and said, "Ok, Timothy, whistle into my ear then"...