Bar None #1245

 The ‘walks into a bar’ genre of jokes is well known.  It is always nice to have one simple joke memorized in case someone asks you to tell a joke.   My default joke is:  Two molecules walk into a bar.  One says, ‘I think I lost an electron’.  The other molecules says, ‘Are you sure?’ to which the first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 

Most ‘walks into a bar’ jokes are short and silly like that one, but I am including a number of longer ‘bar jokes’ just for variety.

 

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

 

A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “In Brooklyn, they’re everywhere!”’

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, ‘what will you have.’

The rabbit says, “Nothing for me, I’m just a typo.’

 

A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

 

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender, upon seeing them, says “sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

 

A snake walks into a bar. …

The bartender says, “How the hell did you do that?”

 

A very bossy man walks into a bar. He orders everyone around.

 

Helvetica, Times New Roman and Calibri, walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks for six shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick."

 

Guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.

He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”

To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”

 

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. Bartender says, “I’m sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you.”

Guy gets up and leaves.

A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.

“I’m sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave.”

Guy gets up, grunts and wanders off again through the same exit.

Another few minutes goes by and the same guy comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.

“SIR, I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOUTWICE BEFORE THAT YOU’RE TOO DRUNK AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU.”

Dude looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs:

“How many bars do you work at?!!!”

 

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well-dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.

bartender just can’t believe his eyes when he sees the man return.

“Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.

Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”

The drunk looks at him and says: “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

 

And finally,

 A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.

The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”

“But it’s sinful and wicked!”

“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”

“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”

The man agrees this is fair and walks inside to the barman.

“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that damn nun out there again!?”