Taxing JOW #1324

 Sorry I missed last week’s JOW.  I was having a fabulous trip sailing in the Georgia Sea Isles.  Here are the jokes I should have sent last week:

Ah, April 15^th, that day when all your taxes were due.  I don’t feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes.  I finished mine over a year ago.  So for all of you who are thinking about the IRS, here are a few light jokes for your amusement.

 

As a patriot, I have decided to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay import taxes.
That’ll be….my Civic duty.

 

I was surprised when the IRS wrote to me to say my tax return was “outstanding”.
Especially as I don’t recall sending one in.

 

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.
It’s hard to believe that 95% of us can’t do simple math

 

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me
This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

 

What is the difference between an electron and a proton for a tax collector?
They are charged differently.

 

Why do large eggs cost more than small eggs?
X size tax.

 

Don’t get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office!
The devil takes many forms.

 

Did you hear about the chiropractor who got in trouble with the IRS?
It was for back taxes.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well!

 

Why did the chocolate shop’s taxes get audited?
The owner had fudged the numbers.

 

How can you tell if you’ve found a good tax accountant?
If he has a loophole named after him.

 

So much tax evasion in America.
Almost like the country was founded on it or something.

 

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history.
They’ll be the first billionaire to pay taxes.

 

How do stoner couples file their taxes?
Jointly!

 

What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
A taxidermist takes only your skin.

 

Why is the IRS always tired?
Collecting money for the government is taxing.

 

I just got a great job offer to collect taxes for Hell.
I’ll be part for the Infernal Revenue Service.

 

What happens when the liquor store forgets to tax its sales?
It’s a sin-tax error.

 

Apparently, Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin.
His name is Tax E. Vader.

 

Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?

Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.

 

Can I claim my Indian Bread Company as a charity tax deduction?
It’s a Naan Profit Organization.

 

What kind of tax is placed on paper?
A tear-iff.

 

Do you know how you can tell Monopoly’s an old game?
It has a luxury tax, and rich people can actually go to jail.

 

If you go to jail for tax evasion aren’t you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

 

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years… but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

 

When marijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair.
It would be called Operation Pot Holes.

 

Boss: “And this is what you’ll be making before taxes.”
Employee: “That’s gross.”

 

Who is the highest-ranking officer at tax time?
General Sales Tax.

 

Why don’t dogs pay taxes for their meals?
Because they’re all under the table.

 

What do you call someone who likes giving the government taxes?
A paytriot.

 

Has anyone realized “The IRS”.
Spells “theirs”?

 

Boss: “And this is what you’ll be making before taxes.”
Employee: “That’s gross.”

 

A man wrote the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have understated my income and have enclosed a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

 

Did you hear about the guy who didn’t want to file his taxes?
I would’ve asked him more, but he didn’t want to get Intuit.

 

A man walked into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”

 

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people.
And squeezed it dry. He said, “If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I’ll give them 100 bucks.”
Many people tried, and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out three drops of lemon juice.

Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, “Who are you?”
The second man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

 

Teacher: If income tax is 20% and your dad earns $50,000, how much tax does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Let's try again. If income tax is 30% and your dad earns $100000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Alright, last try. If income tax is %50 and your dad earns $100,0000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: you don't know your percentages.
Kid: you don't know my dad.

 

Two men are stranded on a deserted island.
One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of back taxes.”

And finally

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”