Under Construction JOW #1335

 My jokes this week are about remodeling and renovation.  It has nothing to do with the fact that, now we have redone every room in our house, we are not redoing the outside.  Here are a few thoughts and jokes about such construction.

 

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

 

You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.

He's counter intuitive

 

We’re remodeling our home’s exterior, and my wife wants to know who I’m hiring to do the job.

She really wants to know who I’m siding with,

 

A couple was having an argument about leaving some roof trusses exposed when they remodeled their house.

They had some real truss issues.

 

What do you call a model who undergoes plastic surgery?

A remodel.

 

Painter: The walls need another coat of paint...

Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket

 

I was doing some home renovations and I was knocking down a wall, only to find a secret unfurnished room behind it...then I remembered we live in a duplex.

 

For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

After the modernization, the famous clock will be beat five times a day, calling the faithful to prayer

 

An elephant walks into a bar

The bar goes into renovation

 

A man was on a ladder putting up molding.  His son was very eager to hurry up the process. 

Son: Do you need me to hold anything?

Dad: Yeah, your horses

 

If you pay for your kitchen remodel with fake bills...

You’re counterfeiting the counter fitter.

 

A man was remodeling his house, and a new bedroom was almost completed except for cleanup of sawdust, caulking, and other random construction leftover bits.

His lovely wife grabbed a shop vac hose and began vacuuming everything up.  He was impressed and told her she was pretty good caulk-sucker.

 

My wife and I recently completed a remodel of our kitchen. The other night we decided to move all the spirits and mixers and into the new cabinets. The last thing we moved was all our booze. I picked up two bottles and turned around. My wife had FIVE bottles at once!
She really can hold her liquor…

Two guys, Mike and John, worked for a remodeling company.

One day, while working on new walls, Mike knocked over a bucket covering John with its contents. Later, when they return to the office, their boss pulls John aside and asks what happened to him, the conversation was as follows:

Boss- What the hell happened to you guys today?

John- Well, Mike kicked the bucket, then I got plastered.

My wife wants me to remodel our staircase.

I told her I'd need a step-by-step guide.

 

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.
The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a gaping hole in the granite countertop!"
Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in the hallway outside of the kitchen, to leave.
"Get out now!" the man shouted.
Trying to allay his anger, the contractor asked for the homeowner to calm down and let his assistant into the kitchen with the part he needed.
"No!" the man replied angrily. "I'm going to sue you!"
"You're not letting us finish the work. We're almost done, we just need to install the sink, and you are preventing that." said the contractor.  "If we cooperate, we can have this house finished and avoid a costly legal battle where we'd both end up worse off.  Now just let that sink in."

 

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked where they had come from.
The first friend answered that she found a genie who granted her wish by giving her a pair of huge bits, and she told her friend know how to contact the genie.
When the two friends met again for brunch the second week, the second friend was completely covered with a painful looking rash. She explained that she had wished to be completely covered in cash and ended up with a rash instead.
"Oops", the friend responded. "I forgot to warn you that the genie is a little hard of hearing.  Seriously, did you really think I would wish for a big pair of bits?"

 

And finally

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.  The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised his wife.  So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."