Ill Eagle JOW #1336

I like to have a theme for my weekly jokes.  One easy source of humor is the legal profession.  It is easy to hate lawyers.  We all remember jokes like, ‘What do lawyers use for birth control?  Their personalities.  Perhaps I shouldn’t pick on lawyers, my daughter is one.  Remember, 98% of lawyers give all the others a bad name. 

On a personal note, there will be no JOW next week.  I will be in Iceland.  East Texas is just too hot this time of year.

 

How many lawyer jokes are there? 

Only three. The rest are true stories.

 

A lawyer walks into a bar after a long day in court

The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
The lawyer says, “Just ice”

 

My partner told me I’m a horrible lawyer. I couldn’t defend myself.

 

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.

 

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

 

Why did the lawyer’s light bulb go to therapy?

It felt like it was constantly being screwed 

 

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say, “Fees!”

 

A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. Unfortunately, she lost the case.

 

Don’t judge a law book by its cover-up.

 

Clowns are most commonly jailed for manslaughter.

 

When chickens graduate from law school, they become legal tenders.

 

Is a priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law?

 

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

 

A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue!

 

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

 

Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road? He had an easement.

 

Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought? Unfamiliar territory.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: One to climb, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

 

A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney’s office and screamed, “I think someone is framing me!”.

 

My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he’s a sue chef.

 

A new young, unmarried lawyer named Alice Demeanour joined the law firm.  Everyone in the law office calls her Miss Demeanour.

 

Who’s the most honest person at a lawyer convention? The caterer.

 

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? 

Say “Fees!”

 

Why don’t lawyers like to fish? 

The fish don’t fall for their lines.

 

What did the lawyer wear to court? 

His law-suit.

 

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

 

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

 

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and snakes were slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

 

A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney.

“Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.

 

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

 

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Yes, we do,” said the bartender.

“Great,” said the man.

“Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my gator.”

 

Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”

The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

And finally,

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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