Counseling JOW #1345

  Lots of young people go for advice these days to a wide variety of counselors who are, in many cases, troubled themselves. I will admit that I have a pretty low opinion of the Counselor Industry.   I admit that the Counselor Industry does provide jobs to traditionally underemployed people with degrees in psychology, sociology, gender studies, and similar soft college majors.  I, myself have never had counseling from a professional.  I am a Boomer.  Like other from my generation, we got our counseling from our parents, family, and friends who understood our particular kind of crazy.  Most of my jokes this week involve not just counseling, but martial counseling because that also involves the eternal battle of the sexes and thus there is more material to work with.

 

Marriage counselor: ‘Your partner allows you to make independent decisions?’

Husband: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*
Husband: ‘Yes, of course’

 

My friend gave me the phone number for an Anger Management Counselor the other day

I admit, I lost it

 

My marriage counselor told me to try anything my wife wants to do for at least 10 minutes.

She asked me to hold my breath.

 

My counselor told me to image that I was an oak tree.  Then she told me we could get to the roots of my problem.

 

My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately, he was so good at what he did that I don't care.

 

A flat chested wife went with her husband to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asked them; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the man said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

 

A couple goes to the chamber of a marriage counselor...

The counselor asks the man, "So, can you tell me what started your problems?"
The man replies. "It started off a trivial thing. I just said to her, "Julia, darling can you bring me a glass of water?"
The counselor says, "Julia, what do you say?"
The woman replies, "My name is not Julia"

 

Husband says to marriage counselor:
"My wife is so immature."
"Can you give me an example?" the counselor asked.
"Well, like every time I'm taking a bath she comes in and sinks all my ships."

 

Two related jokes.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband: To be honest I didn't even know she sold them.

 

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided the best thing to do would be to seek the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor interviews them for several hours and then gives them his advice.
"The main problem I see is that you two do not show appreciation towards each other. Every once in a while, you have to show your spouse that you care about them. For instance," he turned to the husband, "what is your wife's favorite type of flower?"
The husband turned to his wife, gently clasped her hand and said "It's Pillsbury. Right, dear?"

 

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

California required Notice: The following joke may contain puns.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So, what seems to be the problem?”
“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”