I have come to the realization that I am semi-retired. This does not mean I have replaced the tires on my big truck. I just sort of work now and again─ well most of us do that, the difference is that I now only get paid now and again. I am staying busy though. I have decided that retirement is when you leave a life of work to start work on living. In one sense it is like being in college, only with more money and less hair.
Now that I am older I find that:
I 'm still the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I smile all the time because I can't hear a thing anyone is saying.
I have had compliments on my alligator shoes and I am barefoot.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
I have trouble remembering simple words like.......
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
Some Wise old quotes:
•Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
•I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
•We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
•Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
•Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
•The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
•By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal
=====================================
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
=====================================
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!”
He stopped and continued, “I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'Roooaarrrrr!'"
===================================================
Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.
There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse. “He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”
All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in an unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.
As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he stooped to only five foot one, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.
The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.
”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora – don’t be too direct -ease into it.” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue coloured finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.
After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."
”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora screamed.
”I’ll deliver the message.”
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Veteran JOW
This being Veterans Day, I have a military theme for my JOW. I spent 24 years I the Navy, so I guess I am qualified to do a veteran-themed set of jokes. I must admit that I am a bit embarrassed about all the thanks that have been offered to me for my service. After all, I seem to remember getting paid for what I did. I must also admit, I joined the Navy in part because they let me go to exciting places, and drive big ships and blow stuff up; all at taxpayer expense. That said, it was a necessary job. I found this quote from an unlikely source and thought it applied rather well for Veteran’s Day.
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand watch in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm.” George Orwell
==================
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"
===================
There are real differences in how the four services view the world. For example, if you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The Marine Corps would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
When the services start up a base from scratch, they all have different priorities.
The first thing Navy would put up a bulletin board so they can post watch bills.
The Marine Corps would build a barber shop first.
The Air Force would build a huge elaborate set of Officers and Enlisted Clubs right from the start.
The Army would initially erect a little hooch so they could hold awards boards to give each other medals.
I believe these differences are due in part to the very structure of the names of the various branches of the armed services.
For example the term “Marine” is from the Latin root “Mar” meaning “Sea”
And the term Navy traces its roots to the Greek “Navious” meaning “handsome” or "physically attractive”.
And Army is from the Latin “Armeus” which means to “bungle” or “screw up”
Of course the ancients were far too wise to allow the formation of an independent Air Force.
Marines have the right attitude for the military. Here are some actual USMC bumper stickers.
“When We Do our Job People Shoot at Us”
“When in Doubt, Empty the Magazine”
“Napalm is Okay by Me”
And here are the rules of the various services, (provided to me by a USMC Gunnery Sergeant)
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ¬
6. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
7. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
8. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
9. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
10. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
11. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
==================
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
=============
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
==============
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
5. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
6. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
7. Declare your assets to be "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
8. Always leave early enough to make your tee-time.
============
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
I like the Navy rules. They are clear, to the point, and way simpler than the Marine rules.
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand watch in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm.” George Orwell
==================
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"
===================
There are real differences in how the four services view the world. For example, if you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The Marine Corps would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
When the services start up a base from scratch, they all have different priorities.
The first thing Navy would put up a bulletin board so they can post watch bills.
The Marine Corps would build a barber shop first.
The Air Force would build a huge elaborate set of Officers and Enlisted Clubs right from the start.
The Army would initially erect a little hooch so they could hold awards boards to give each other medals.
I believe these differences are due in part to the very structure of the names of the various branches of the armed services.
For example the term “Marine” is from the Latin root “Mar” meaning “Sea”
And the term Navy traces its roots to the Greek “Navious” meaning “handsome” or "physically attractive”.
And Army is from the Latin “Armeus” which means to “bungle” or “screw up”
Of course the ancients were far too wise to allow the formation of an independent Air Force.
Marines have the right attitude for the military. Here are some actual USMC bumper stickers.
“When We Do our Job People Shoot at Us”
“When in Doubt, Empty the Magazine”
“Napalm is Okay by Me”
And here are the rules of the various services, (provided to me by a USMC Gunnery Sergeant)
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ¬
6. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
7. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
8. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
9. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
10. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
11. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
==================
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
=============
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
==============
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
5. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
6. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
7. Declare your assets to be "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
8. Always leave early enough to make your tee-time.
============
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
I like the Navy rules. They are clear, to the point, and way simpler than the Marine rules.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Male Man JOW
This week I have chosen to pick on my own gender. That is pick on not scratch. I have some observations on males in general, and male athletes in particular. Nothing personal, guys.
-------------------------------------------
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine? '
'It depends, ' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt? '
He yelled back, ‘LSU! '
And they say blonds are dumb....
-------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today, '
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ' honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? '
'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals '
-------------------------------------------
Bil provided me with this little known baseball fact...
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Of course Robin Williams said it best─ we enough blood to either use our brain or penis but not both at the same time.
My sister sent me these pearls of male athletic wisdom:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all those kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Okay, so there is a bit of self depreciation there…
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He replied, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford ─ “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
Finally, here are some hints to help you ladies understand men:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of bonding.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stop working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it . . . (though it might be possible for an engineer to get by with holding a calculator).
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
If you are feeling amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the name of the movie and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
-------------------------------------------
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine? '
'It depends, ' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt? '
He yelled back, ‘LSU! '
And they say blonds are dumb....
-------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today, '
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ' honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this? '
'Probably that I married you for your money, ' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals '
-------------------------------------------
Bil provided me with this little known baseball fact...
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Of course Robin Williams said it best─ we enough blood to either use our brain or penis but not both at the same time.
My sister sent me these pearls of male athletic wisdom:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all those kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Okay, so there is a bit of self depreciation there…
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He replied, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford ─ “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
Finally, here are some hints to help you ladies understand men:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of bonding.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stop working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it . . . (though it might be possible for an engineer to get by with holding a calculator).
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . .
If you are feeling amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the name of the movie and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Happy JOW to You
This week has ‘birthdays’ as a theme. One nice thing about getting older is that you seem to be less poor. When I was younger I was so poor the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older. Now that I am older it seems like I have everything I want, except of course, to be young again. But birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays generally live the longest.
Here are some observations and a couple jokes.
As you get older things change. You know you are getting older when:
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your best friend is dating someone half his age…and he isn’t breaking any laws.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with “Dr.”
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• Everything either hurts or doesn't work.
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• The gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
• When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Factoid: If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (statistically speaking).
========================================
"What would you most like for your birthday?" a husband inquired of his wife.
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
=======================================
A blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or look up.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'
Here are some observations and a couple jokes.
As you get older things change. You know you are getting older when:
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your best friend is dating someone half his age…and he isn’t breaking any laws.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with “Dr.”
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• Everything either hurts or doesn't work.
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• The gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
• When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Factoid: If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (statistically speaking).
========================================
"What would you most like for your birthday?" a husband inquired of his wife.
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
=======================================
A blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or look up.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'
Monday, October 19, 2009
For Better or Worse JOW
There is a wedding in our neighborhood this week so the whole topic of marriage is on my mind. Like the battle of the sexes, I have lots of material to draw from. First, a joke, then some observations.
===============
A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears; there were only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling doilies."
A poetic thought on marriage:
If you love something, set it free,
if it comes back its yours,
if it doesn't it never was...
...but if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV,
unaware that it's been set free,
you probably married it...
Seven Ages of the Married Cold
• 1st year -- "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
• 6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
===========================
Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last."
Bennett said, "I sent them paper plates as my wedding gift."
=======================
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
========================
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.
And some final thoughts on the institution:
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married that's their own fault.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
===============
A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears; there were only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling doilies."
A poetic thought on marriage:
If you love something, set it free,
if it comes back its yours,
if it doesn't it never was...
...but if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV,
unaware that it's been set free,
you probably married it...
Seven Ages of the Married Cold
• 1st year -- "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
• 6th year -- "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
===========================
Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last."
Bennett said, "I sent them paper plates as my wedding gift."
=======================
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
========================
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.
And some final thoughts on the institution:
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married that's their own fault.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It is that magical time of year for men─ last night I could watch baseball, football, AND basketball, all at the same time. Adding to the excitement, a major Seniors Golf Tournament is being held here in the Woodlands this week. Famous over-50 golfers will be playing in the course in our neighborhood. Senior Tournaments are different than the ones with younger players:
• The biggest noises on the course are their bones creaking
• They use a cart just to get to the car
• They have three walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.
I have a complicated relationship with golf. It's a hard game to figure. One day I would go out and slice the ball and shank it, hit into all the water hazards and miss every green. Then, the next day I would go out and for no reason at all really stink. I think golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. The man that invented "golf" and said that it was "fun" is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes" and said it was "music."
================================
An American golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland sliced his opening drive out of bounds. He tees another one up and smacks it down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that hitting another ball like that is called a Mulligan." He asks if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a three."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes I did."
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five."
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
I have been harsh about golf, but there are some good things about golf compared to other sports:
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
Unlike baseball, players don’t scratch their crotch before each swing.
Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each swing.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to wear hearing protection
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike hockey, the players have all their teeth
and best of all─
Unlike wrestling, the spectators have all their teeth.
• The biggest noises on the course are their bones creaking
• They use a cart just to get to the car
• They have three walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.
I have a complicated relationship with golf. It's a hard game to figure. One day I would go out and slice the ball and shank it, hit into all the water hazards and miss every green. Then, the next day I would go out and for no reason at all really stink. I think golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. The man that invented "golf" and said that it was "fun" is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes" and said it was "music."
================================
An American golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland sliced his opening drive out of bounds. He tees another one up and smacks it down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that hitting another ball like that is called a Mulligan." He asks if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "Aye, we call it a three."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes I did."
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five."
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
I have been harsh about golf, but there are some good things about golf compared to other sports:
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
Unlike baseball, players don’t scratch their crotch before each swing.
Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each swing.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to wear hearing protection
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike hockey, the players have all their teeth
and best of all─
Unlike wrestling, the spectators have all their teeth.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Timely JOW
We took a little working vacation last weekend to Natchez for a booksigning. It was such a wonderful trip it seemed like we were gone for a week, yet we were home by Saturday night. I will finish up my little write up complete with photos and make it available for those you are interested.
It seems as I get older there is never enough time. That is my theme for this JOW, time.
Remember, if you are careful and abstemious you can add up to six additional months to the end of your life which you will probably spend in some assisted care facility at $7,000 month.
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... six-ish or seven-ish...."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
A psychologist asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind. The main thing is that we talked about it."
A man named his three dogs Rolex, Timex, and Omega. When questioned as to the source of those names, the owner replies. “Well, they are watch dogs.”
Finally from Mary Ellen:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the pries. After the priest left he turned to the beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
It seems as I get older there is never enough time. That is my theme for this JOW, time.
Remember, if you are careful and abstemious you can add up to six additional months to the end of your life which you will probably spend in some assisted care facility at $7,000 month.
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... six-ish or seven-ish...."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
A psychologist asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind. The main thing is that we talked about it."
A man named his three dogs Rolex, Timex, and Omega. When questioned as to the source of those names, the owner replies. “Well, they are watch dogs.”
Finally from Mary Ellen:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the pries. After the priest left he turned to the beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
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