Home Improved JOW #644

My JOW this week could be about football, but a couple of the games this weekend were jokes and not very funny ones at that.  Instead, acting on a suggestion, I have some jokes on construction in general, with specific highlights in the field of home improvement.  But first something completely off topic -

My racing snail is not winning any snail races. So I decided to take its shell off to reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything he is more sluggish now.
-------------------------

I recently saw a sign in Home Depot with the word ‘restrooms’.  Right below that word was their motto – “You can do it, we can help.”  That seems to be taking customer service a bit too far.

+++++++++++++++++

Q: What kind of court do you sue electricians in?
A: Circuit court

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on their shady background, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

----------------------------

A man contracted to paint a church. He noticed that he had not bought enough paint, it was Friday and he couldn't possibly get the additional paint he needed before the big event at the church. He had promised it would be done, so he decided to thin the paint so it would spread further. 
Sunday came and the membership was seriously disappointed with the paint job. There were places where it was so thin you could see right through it. There were other places where it ran and dripped on the sidewalks and steps. The congregation called an emergency meeting.
They decided to have the man come back and redo the paint. The job fell on the pastor to go tell the man he had to come back and redo the paint. So, the pastor was a good man who was always very thoughtful about what he said and keeping peace and all. He went to the man's home Monday morning and knocked on the door. The man came to the door and the pastor still didn't know what he was going to say to the man. The man, kind of shocked at the sight of the preacher, blurted out "Excuse me preacher, I don't feel very well, this hang-over has me by the tail!"
The preacher immediately knew what to say:
REPAINT and THIN NO MORE!!!!

 ...................

A couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" 
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" 
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" 
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. 
One weekend the husband woke up and it was raining hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. 
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?" 
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. 
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? Who the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

Crafty Old JOW #643

We may be getting old but some of us are still hanging in there.  Dick tells me that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be making another Conan movie soon, ‘Conan the Octogenarian’.   I guess Chuck Norris will soon be need a ‘Texas Ranger walker’ (complete with tennis balls on the legs and a holster on the side) to get around.  Anyway here are this week’s jokes, most of which have a ‘theme’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep dodo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dog exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Dog nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Dog sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Dog says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

____________________________________________

A highway patrolman pulled over a sweet little old lady.

“Why did you stop me, officer?”

“You were speeding ma’am.  May I see your license and registration?”

“Well, I don’t have any registration for this car.  You see, I stole it.”
“What?”

“Well, officer you don’t expect me to carry all these drugs in my own car, do you?”

“Please step out of the car, and open the trunk.”

“Well, officer, if I open the trunk you will see the body in there.”

The patrolman wastes no time in calling for backup and a supervisor.  When the senior officer arrives he finds the little old lady in handcuffs.  The trunk is open and empty and the drug dog is looking in vain for anything illegal.

The supervisor takes the old lady aside and, uncuffing her says, “Ma’am this car is registered in your name.”

“Why yes, this is my car.”

“The officer said you told him you were transporting drugs.”

“Why I never!” she exclaimed eyes wide.

“And he also says that you told him there was a body in the trunk of your car.”

She sidles up confidentially to the supervisor and whispers, “I bet that big liar told you I was speeding, too."

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.  It turns out the statuesque blonde was an amazing golfer, methodically shooting for par or less on every hole, meanwhile charming the men with her sparkling personality.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some good Scotch into him, fix him dinner, and show him a good time.
"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.
"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.
"The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

 ==========

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts and a pond fixed for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

Moral of these stories...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!  And not only that, BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Richard provided me with this observation:

-Don’t trust atoms.  They make up everything.

And from Don a slightly political insight: “the Fiscal Cliff” put in a much better perspective.

* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget:         $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt:           $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt:     $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:

* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $38.50

Happy New JOW #642

So we are now in the year 2013.  Ah, I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.  Frankly I am not sad to see the end of last year.  If 2012 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.  I am sure we will continue to have a lot of technical breakthroughs in 2013, though.  I just heard that perhaps there will be a soon new device that can turn your thoughts into speech. Actually we had that sort of thing for years; it’s called alcohol.

            Here is a blessing for all of you for the New Year:  God, grant you the ability forget the people you never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that you do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

               

·         Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain

--------------------------

A self-important businessman arranged an important formal dinner party at his home on New Year’s Eve and planned to serve his guests’ favorite food, steak, as the main course.

While the guests were eating their appetizers, the cook came to the host and whispered, “Please come urgently to the kitchen.”

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he had stepped out for a moment the host’s dog had climbed up on the table and eaten a few chunks out of some steaks.

The host told him, “Just fill the holes with some meat and turn the other side up–nobody will notice.”

The steaks were served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again summoned to the kitchen. The cook, looking quite upset, told the host that the dog was dead.

The host frantically rushed back to the dinner party and apologized fervently before announcing, “Something was wrong with the steak and everyone must have their stomachs pumped immediately at the hospital.”

The guests all headed there, endured the painful procedure, and returned to the house. The host then went and asked the cook, “Where is the dog?

“Oh,” said the chef, “The dog is still down by the road where the car hit it.”

Tor says that once you get to a certain age you just don’t care as much:

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I looked all right I'd be talking to your cute friends over there instead of you."

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

=================

Tom Johnson passed on this from columnist and author Dave Berry, published a year in review in the Tampa Tribune, and I wanted to share his excerpt on the Benghazi disaster.

"Abroad, the big story is a deadly 9/11 attack on the U. S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya. It soon becomes apparent that the attack either was or was not a spontaneous protest to a movie that either does or does not actually exist, or possibly it was an organized terrorist attack that either did or did not involve al Qaeda and either could or could not have been prevented if there had been better intelligence, which maybe there was, or maybe there was not, although if there was, it was not acted on, possibly for political reasons. Or, not. But beyond these basic facts, little is clear. The White House issues a strong statement assuring the nation that President Obama was not in any way involved in this. or anything else that may or may not become known."  

"However, the real important news is that Kim Khardashian is with child......how sweeet. "

===================

And from the other Tom –

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And to close, some wisdom from Tor:

A man came to Buddha and said: “I want happiness.”

Buddha said, “First remove ‘I’ which is ego.  Then remove ‘want’ which is desire.  All you are left with is happiness.”

·