World Cup JOW #721

There are only two days out of the year that there are no scheduled games on television for the big four sports: Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey: the day before the Baseball All-Star game and the day after.  We are entering the dead zone for sports.  Of course there was recently the shared spectacle of watching the World Cup.  I watch the World Cup faithfully just to confirm what I knew four years ago – soccer is boring.  Okay, soccer can be watchable if you have a kid in the game, but on TV, forget it.  Soccer is worse than golf.  Both are nice as background for a nap but golf has better vistas and unlike golf, soccer announcers shout excitedly when nothing is happening (which is pretty much most of the time).  How can you love a game where a 0-0 tie is considered exciting?  And the criteria for success baffles most Americans:  In the recent World Cup the U.S. lost to Germany, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win, and zero points for a loss, and both the U.S. and Portugal had a score of four, and because the U.S. had a higher goal differential, the U.S. advanced. That's the rules — and that in a nutshell is why Americans don't follow soccer.  If you love soccer and you live in the US, you have to wait four years for a World Cup to see any real games; kind of like making an appointment with a VA doctor.  Still, I thought I would have a go at some jokes in honor of the World Cup.  I hope I can score at least once with one of them.

            Of course the late night pendants had fun with soccer:

·         "Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they're going to do next, Germany said, 'We're going to invade Disney World!'"

·         “Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup.”

Some stupid soccer riddles

Q: What is the difference between Ghana and the Bermuda triangle?

A: The Bermuda triangle has three points.

Q: What lights up a football pitch at night?

A: A football match.

Q: What’s the best place to shop for a new soccer shirt?
A: New Jersey.

Q: What’s harder to catch the faster you run?
A: Your breath!

…………….

Boy: What jersey should I buy?

Girl: Buy a goalie's jersey!

Boy: Why?

Girl: So I can tell people my boyfriend's a keeper.

Soccer is famous for the rough behavior of the fans

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. `What exactly was it that he threw into the canal' asked the magistrate.

'Stones, sir.'

'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'

'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a local match between Arsenal and Liverpool last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Liverpool. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the home end."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."

**********************

A soccer fan arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

‘Let me spell it out for you,' responded the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.

---

As a change of pace here is a  golf joke from Sir Richard of the West Coast:

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first guy said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. 
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00 and confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation… and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

            Finally for no good reason here are a few strange facts:

·         France was still executing people by guillotine when Star Wars was released.

·         People born blind have never seen a smile but know to make one when they are happy.

·         You can spell upside down upside down by using the letters umop apisdn.

·         People graduating college this year have never experienced life without The Simpsons.

·         1998 is as far away from today as 2030 is.

DaDaism JOW #720

I went back home to Jacksonville last week to visit family.  It was a really lovely trip but the event got me thinking about families, then fathers, then jokes about fathers….  Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough. I think that being a great father must be sort of like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.

Here are some ‘Dadisms’

Daughter: Dad it’s cold in here.

Father: So go stand in a corner.

Daughter: Why?

Father: Because a corner is 90 degrees.

The father purchased a Christmas tree with his teenage children.  When asked by the attendant “Are you going to put that up yourself?” 

The father had only one reply – “Don’t be disgusting.  I am going to put it up in the living room.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This one is for my kids.

A kid had a bad allergic reaction and his arms broke out in a rash.

Mother: “We better go to the Emergency Room”

Dad examining the red skin: “Let’s not make any ‘rash’ decisions”

================

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car – have fun.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

------------------------------------

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You
bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.
Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on
Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

##################

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

+++++++++++++++++

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Finally this one was one of my own father’s favorite jokes (which probably explains a lot).

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Miscommunication JOW #719

I am staying in Jacksonville this week with my sister.  I am reminded of the time she won an award in a beauty contest: Miss Communication.  She sent me a joke about miscommunication and that led me to the idea of problems with communication in general. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Akpos was terribly overweight. He went to his doctor to know what to do. After diagnosing him, his doctor puts him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

Akpos returned after the two weeks have lapsed. He had loosed nearly twenty pounds. “Whao! That’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

Akpos nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.”

“No, from all that skipping.”

#################

Malapropisms are words that get slightly mixed up.  My mother was a master of this mixing ‘flustered’ and ‘frustrated’ to make the world ‘flustrated’. 

Here are a few more examples.

He had to use a fire distinguisher.

Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.

Isn't that an expensive pendulum round that woman's neck?

Good punctuation means not to be late.

He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

My sister has extra-century perception.

"Don't" is a contraption.

++++++++++++++++

Headlines are tricky things.  Sometimes trying to fit a simple message in a limited space can lead to miscommunications:

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER

MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

====================

What is more amazing than a talking dog?

A spelling bee

………………………………………

I haven’t done any Spoonerisms for a long time.  Spoonerisms are amed after a legendary English professor who could not help switching the first letters of words with frequently hilarious results.  Here are a few spoonerisms as examples:

A lack of pies (Pack of lies)

Cat flap (Flat cap)

Bad salad (Sad ballad)

Plaster man (Master plan)

Pleating and humming (Heating and plumbing)

Trim your snow tail (Trim your toe nails)

Birthington's washday (Washington's Birthday)

Trail snacks (Snail tracks)

Bottle in front of me (Frontal Lobotomy)

Sale of two titties (Tale of two cities)

Rental Deceptionist (Dental Receptionist)

Chewing the doors (Doing the chores)

And finally from Andreas

What's the difference between a blind marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots, but can hit.