Washontonian JOW # 724

We took a little vacation last week to Washington DC to visit friends and family.  It was a lovely trip.  DC is a very interesting little town; we stayed at the Army/Navy Club a couple of blocks from the White House so we were near the center of things.  Of course there are a lot of politicians, lawyers and lobbyists there so you it is not quite perfect.  I did learn that President US Grant would go to the lobby of a hotel near the White House to have a drink and cigar.  Slimy characters who were trying to influence him would camp in the hotel lobby hoping for a chance to gain his ear – and that is the reason people like that are called ‘lobbyists’.   

Oh and today is National Mustard Day, so decreed by Congress.  And you think those guys don’t do anything.  If brain eating zombies invaded Washington DC they would die of starvation. 

Rules of Washington

·         If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

·         Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

·         An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

·         The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

·         Chicken Little only has to be right once.

·         "NO" is only an interim response.

·         You can't kill a bad idea.

·         If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

·         The truth is a variable.

·         A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

·         You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

·         A promise is not a guarantee.

·         If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

People want to change the name of the Washington Redskins because they think it is racially insensitive.  When the Blackfoot Indian tribe said they were not offended they were informed they would have to change their name, too.

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A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've been going out with several beautiful women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

++++++++++++++++++

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why; the boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A normally sweet Great Dane Penny has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.
While walking Penny one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man. 
Struggling to keep hold of Penny, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."
"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

******************

In honor of our national pastime

The new maharajah of an Indian province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many wild animals running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

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An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "I have turtle recall".

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And in conclusion:

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."

Grand Old JOW #723

We will be heading to Washington for a birthday at the Army Navy Club this week.  We will be staying there.  The Army Navy Club is a wonderful old place, located in downtown DC, only a few blocks from the White House.  Not only will we have a chance to visit Travis, we plan on partying with some of our old friends.  I mean they are old – like in their 60’s and 70’s – you know, old.   But you get better at things as you get older including knowing how to have a good time.  Just check out the parking lot before any Jimmy Buffet concert.  Kinda brings a new meaning to the term ‘Grand Old Party’.

So my theme this week is about old people and people who know how to have a good time.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Three old men are in the doctor’s office for a memory test. 

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“Two hundred and seventy four,” he replies confidently.

The doctor rolls his eyes and moves to the next old guy.

“Okay, it is your turn.  What is three times three.”

“Tuesday.”

The doctor shakes his head and moves to the third man.

“What do you think three times three is?”

“Nine,” the third man promptly answers.

“That is great,” the doctor smiles.  “You remembered.”

“Naw,” the third man said, “I just subtracted two hundred seventy four from Tuesday.”

An old man was wheeled into the doctor’s by his companion.

“Doc, he is in pretty bad shape.  I think you need to do a full workup on him,” she told the physician.

“Well, we better do a full work up on him. We will need to do some tests on the old boy; let’s start with a urine and stool sample.”

“What did he say?” asked the old man querulously.

The woman leaned over and spoke loudly into the old man’s ear.  “He says he needs your underwear.”

=====================

“Why are you doctor’s so expensive?” complained the old man during his physical. “Why my vet charges a tenth of what you do.”

“Yes,” replied the doctor.  “And if their patients don’t get better they can put them down.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train, when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn't there. He looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.
"The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'
"Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
"The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'
Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

Some pithy bits from Richard of Pacific Palisades.

·         I am not saying we should kill all the stupid people, just remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

·         You can tell a woman’s mood by just looking at her hands.  If, for example, they are holding a weapon, she is probably angry.

·         I don’t like making too many plans for the day because then the word ‘premeditated’ starts getting thrown around in the courtroom.

·         Not to get too technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

·         If Bill Gates dies while on life support will they turn off the machine and then turn it back on to see if that works?

·         Then there was the Hokey Pokey Rehab Clinic: A place to turn yourself around.

A recent survey of American women had the following results:

31% thought their ass was too big.

17% thought their ass was too small.

52% didn’t care, they loved him anyway and were going to keep him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man is sitting outside a bar enjoying a quiet drink when a nun came up to him and began to berate him on the dangers of drink.

“How do you know that alcohol is so bad?  Have you ever tried it?”

“Of course not,” the nun replied.

“Well let me buy you a drink and if after that you still think it is evil then I will take the pledge.”

“Well, I couldn’t possibly be seen out here drinking.  Perhaps if you could put it in a teacup then I could try some.”

So the man goes in to the bartender and orders two whiskeys.  “And would you mind putting one of the whiskeys in a teacup?”

The bartender rolled his eyes.  “Oh, no, it’s that bloody nun out there again.”

Broadway Musical JOW #722

I was challenged to come up with some jokes about Broadway musicals.  Most of them are jokes themselves.  But there is a fair amount of theater/music jokes that came to me.  I also included a link to a song that, as a wordsmith are near and dear to my heart.  I hope you enjoy these offerings.

……………………

You know the film version of Les Miserable was so disappointing to me.  I mean they had Wolverine, Cat Woman, and Gladiator all together and they… sang.

Theatrical Logic:

In is down, down is front. Out is up, up is back. Off is out, on is in. And of course, left is right and right is left. A drop shouldn't and a 'block and fall' does neither. A prop doesn't and a cove has no water. Tripping is OK. A running crew rarely gets anywhere . A purchase line buys you nothing. A trap will not catch anything. A gridiron has nothing to do with football. Strike is work (in fact, a lot of work). And a green room, thank God, usually isn't.

Now that you're fully versed in theatrical terms, break a leg.  But not really.

Once upon a time there was a young man who decided to eschew modern life and, abandoning a promising career as a Broadway singer and became a monk.  He loved the fact that each morning a bell would ring and the monks would all assemble in the dining hall at a long table and stand waiting for the abbot.  That worth would come in, stand at the head of the table and chant in a rich baritone –“Good Morning”

And the monks would chant back “Good Morning”.

Then they would sit down for breakfast.

After a hard day of prayer and study the monks would once again assemble at the sound of the bell and take their places at the long table and wait for the abbot for the evening meal. 

He would come in and chant “Good Evening”.

 And the monks would chant back to him “Good Evening.”

And then they would have their dinner.

The young monk threw himself into his studies sometimes staying up all night.  Inevitably it happened:  He became confused at so whether it was day or night.  Hearing the bell he hurried to the dining hall and barely reached his place before the abbot arrived.

As he did every morning the abbot intoned, “Good Morning.”

The young monk, confused instead of replying chanted “Good Evening”.

The abbot had a keen ear.  He cocked his head and in the same fine voice chanted out,

“Someone chanted evening.”

++++++++++++++++++++

Here are some proposed titles for Broadway shows that were rejected.

·         Jersey Boyz N The Hood

·         Guys and Blow-Up Dolls

·         Jekyll & Hydroponics

·         Bugspray Hair

·         Enormous Women

·         Little Shop of Hoarders

·         Little Shop of Hors d'Oeuvres

·         You're a Good Man, Charlie Sheen

·         Damn Yankees, Fuckin Mets

·         Beauty and the Yeast Infection.

·         Chorus Mime

·         "On A Clear Day You Can See Russia From My House"

·         The Book of Moron

·         The Book of Morbid

·         The Phantom Menace of the Opera

·         Whittler on the Roof

·         The Undergraduate S

·         White Power Christmas

·         Dream Grills

·         Elbow Grease

·         Grease Fire

·         Jersey Shore Boys

·         How to Succeed in Business without a Government Bailout

·         The Nylon King

·         Springtime for Hitler

·         Kanye West Side Story West

·         Don King & I

A couple of Broadway tune knock-knock jokes – feel free to sing along

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Stephanie!
Stephanie who?
Stephanie-six trombones led the big parade!

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet Who?
Sam and Janet Evening....

(I love that song)

What do you call ghosts who scare talk show hosts?

The Phantom of the Oprah.

And while I am on a music riff here are a couple of backward music jokes:

Q. What do you get when you play the blues backward?

A. Your wife comes back, your dog returns to life, and you get out of prison.

Q. What do you get when you play New Age music backward?

A. New Age music.

Here are a couple of jokes that are completely different

During a transatlantic flight, former president Bill Clinton is busily working on a crossword puzzle. However, he gets stuck in the middle, so he turns to a speechwriter sitting in the next seat and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word meaning 'woman' which ends in U-N-T?"

The writer scratches his head, thinks for a minute, and replies, "Aunt. A-U-N-T."

Bill looks embarrassed, and whispers, "Got an eraser?"

STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUE:

Give this a try:

Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose. Exhale slowly. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You breathe deeply.

You can easily make out the face of the asshole who stressed you out in the first place and whose head you're now holding under the water.

Allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now ... feeling better?