My bits this week are from your fellow JOW sufferers. I hope you enjoy them.
Of note, I find that periodically Outlook drops people from my JOW list. I have been doing the JOW for nine years or so and have never removed anyone from the JOW list unless they ask me to do so. And I forgive all 93 of those people. At any rate, should you ever go a week without receiving a JOW check my JOW blog at http://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com/. You can also Google thospinneyjow and find it that way.
Al, who has a very dry sense of humor submitted these two insights
If you are concerned about stress in your life, I am passing this on to you because it definitely works─we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following this simple advice you too can find inner peace. According to a number of wise people the secret is:
“The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”
I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before doing my Joke of the Week, I finished off a bottle of Pinot Noir, the rest of that vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my wife's old Prozac prescription, some Doritos, and a box of chocolate.
You have no idea how good I feel right now.
-----------------------------------------------
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new healthcare package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those softy Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!!!
----------------------------------------
This is from Tom & Martha
A group of 20-something buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there were pretty and have low cut blouses.
Twenty years later, at 40 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
Twenty years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
Twenty years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
==============================
You have all seen the signs as you cross a state line: Welcome to “My State” along with some cheesy marketing motto. Actually “Our Whole State is Cheesy” is the motto for Wisconsin. Don passed on some mottos that have a bit of truth in advertising for welcoming signs.
Iowa – I hope you brought something to do.
Kansas – Look around you. You’ve seen it all
Rhode Island – Look fast or you will miss us
New Hampshire – You can’t believe how white we are
Welcome to Nevada – Home of gambling, drugs and whores
Montana – Also known as West Dakota
Connecticut – The Toll Booth State
New York – Gimme your Money! Now!
Welcome to Oregon – Ummm wow, this place is like totally awesome, dude
California – Bienvenidos A California (Welcome to California)
South Carolina – When Jesus comes back, he’s coming here
Welcome to New Mexico – Yes we are part of the United States
Louisiana – Crooked Politician’s Paradise
Oklahoma – Gateway to Nebraska
Welcome Kansas – Home of the world’s most boring wheat fields
Florida – Dinner will be served at 4:00PM
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
News and Observation JOW #493
Most of you know that my youngest boy Ivan was attacked on New Year’s Eve and badly injured. The story has recently been picked up by local media. Those of you in the greater Houston area may even see something about it on television this very evening. In the meantime here is a link to the story to bring you up to date. Of note─there are two pages of the story. The second page includes photos of Ivan after the assault. The story recommends not looking at them. Be advised they are in fact disgusting. Here is the link:
http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2010/01/baseball_player_lawsuit.php
Now to the JOW; I have a couple of jokes and some observations on life by a younger generation.
===========================================
In a recent news report, it was announced that a new method of fending off shark attacks has been developed by Marine Biology researchers. If you are ever unfortunate enough to be approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose with as much force as possible.
Should this not work, beat the shark with your stump.
------------------------
Okay, I have five kids between the ages of 25 and 30. Here are some recently collected thoughts from that generation.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
--------------------
And finally:
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered the pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. Then they phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived but as they opened the front door to leave the house, the cat scooted back into the front door.
They didn't want the cat shut in the house because it always tries to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi, while the husband went back inside to get the cat.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, the husband emerged and got into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as they drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with an umbrella to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
The AMA and NZMA have declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is now projected that by the year 2010 there will be thirty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who are unable to remember what to do with them.
http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2010/01/baseball_player_lawsuit.php
Now to the JOW; I have a couple of jokes and some observations on life by a younger generation.
===========================================
In a recent news report, it was announced that a new method of fending off shark attacks has been developed by Marine Biology researchers. If you are ever unfortunate enough to be approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose with as much force as possible.
Should this not work, beat the shark with your stump.
------------------------
Okay, I have five kids between the ages of 25 and 30. Here are some recently collected thoughts from that generation.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
--------------------
And finally:
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered the pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. Then they phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived but as they opened the front door to leave the house, the cat scooted back into the front door.
They didn't want the cat shut in the house because it always tries to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi, while the husband went back inside to get the cat.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, the husband emerged and got into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as they drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with an umbrella to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
The AMA and NZMA have declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is now projected that by the year 2010 there will be thirty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who are unable to remember what to do with them.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
One Flu Over the JOW #492
It appears I have had the flu for the last week or so. Since I got my ‘regular’ flu vaccine, I must have contracted the famous Swine Flu. Although it was pretty annoying, I apparently had one of the lazy varieties that just make you feel crappy and tired for a week or so rather than taking the effort to really make you sick. There are a few advantages to having the flu. You have an excuse for being rude, obnoxious and surly. You can legally take sedatives. And fevers give some really weird dreams. However I must say I am glad to be seeing the end of this thing.
In honor of this disease, my JOW’s are about sickness, health, and various animals. That sorta connects, right?
==================
A blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men have died from swine flu.
She starts to cry and asks her friend, "How many is in a brazillion?"
===================
Living healthy can limit your choices.
I can’t eat pork...... swine flu
I can’t eat chicken......bird flu
I can’t eat beef...... mad cow
I can’t eat eggs......salmonella
I can’t eat fish...heavy metal poisons in their water
I can’t eat fruit and veggies....insecticides and herbicides
I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream
================================
In order to avoid sickness they tell you to:
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C & D.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach.
Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So…… You could walk to the liquor store (exercise), put lime in your Corona (fruit), celery in the Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). If you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!
From Mike:
Why Some Men have Dogs and not Wives:
• The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs like it if you spill stuff on the floor.
• Dogs understand that sometimes you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Mary Ellen has a reply to that from the ladies
If you want someone
• who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
• who's always willing to go out with you, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
• who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
• who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores .
• who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of his attention, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Then adopt a dog
On the other hand,
if you want someone who never responds when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home,
walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness
Then adopt a cat
That Mary Ellen knows her critters.
And ask her for her Hooters Calendars. Twelve of the most beautiful owls you will ever see.
In honor of this disease, my JOW’s are about sickness, health, and various animals. That sorta connects, right?
==================
A blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men have died from swine flu.
She starts to cry and asks her friend, "How many is in a brazillion?"
===================
Living healthy can limit your choices.
I can’t eat pork...... swine flu
I can’t eat chicken......bird flu
I can’t eat beef...... mad cow
I can’t eat eggs......salmonella
I can’t eat fish...heavy metal poisons in their water
I can’t eat fruit and veggies....insecticides and herbicides
I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream
================================
In order to avoid sickness they tell you to:
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C & D.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach.
Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So…… You could walk to the liquor store (exercise), put lime in your Corona (fruit), celery in the Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). If you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!
From Mike:
Why Some Men have Dogs and not Wives:
• The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs like it if you spill stuff on the floor.
• Dogs understand that sometimes you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Mary Ellen has a reply to that from the ladies
If you want someone
• who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
• who's always willing to go out with you, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
• who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
• who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores .
• who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of his attention, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Then adopt a dog
On the other hand,
if you want someone who never responds when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home,
walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness
Then adopt a cat
That Mary Ellen knows her critters.
And ask her for her Hooters Calendars. Twelve of the most beautiful owls you will ever see.
Friday, January 8, 2010
2010 JOW #491
It has been not such a good new year for us. As some of you know, our youngest, Ivan, was attacked while at a New Year’s party. His left eye was very seriously injured and he may not ever recover full sight in it. He is resting at home now, waiting for his next surgery which will be in a week. If you want to know more about it you can check on Ruth Pinney's Facebook page. So it has been a tought time here; nevertheless, the JOW must go on.
First, a couple of things to think about:
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
==============================
A D.E.A. officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and braces up old rancher who owns the place.
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."
The D.E.A. officer verbally explodes, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Show him your badge...Show him your BADGE!"
=============
And old question answered
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off boats?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
=========================
A golfer on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the tee.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog puts his 8 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron.
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood hits the ball into perfect position.
By the end of the day, the man has shot best round of golf in his life. He looks at the frog and asks, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit black 6."
Now, this is a long shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
The ball lands on black 6. Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you you've won me all this money but I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
And that is why that woman was in the hotel room with Tiger Woods.
===============
And finally a related joke
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - silence - -
HUSBAND: -- silence also --
First, a couple of things to think about:
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
==============================
A D.E.A. officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and braces up old rancher who owns the place.
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."
The D.E.A. officer verbally explodes, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Show him your badge...Show him your BADGE!"
=============
And old question answered
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off boats?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
=========================
A golfer on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the tee.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog puts his 8 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron.
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood hits the ball into perfect position.
By the end of the day, the man has shot best round of golf in his life. He looks at the frog and asks, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit black 6."
Now, this is a long shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
The ball lands on black 6. Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you you've won me all this money but I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
And that is why that woman was in the hotel room with Tiger Woods.
===============
And finally a related joke
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - silence - -
HUSBAND: -- silence also --
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Happy New JOW #490
It being New Year’s eve, I suppose I should celebrate with some topical humor. I for one am more than willing to see the back of the year 2009. In fact, the entire decade wasn’t all that great. But I hope for the best in the new year, once again allowing optimism to triumph over experience.
New Years humor normal focuses on two topics: New Year’s resolutions and drinking. Not being one to disappoint my readers let me start with some of my own resolutions:
• I intend to start procrastinating more, starting tomorrow.
• I will try to be one with my duality
• I will share my wisdom and advice for there are few sweeter words than “I told you so.”
• Before I criticize another man I will first walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets mad at me I have a good head start and he is barefoot.
• I will assume full responsibility for my actions, except for the ones that are someone else’s fault.
• I will let go my feelings of guilt and try to get in touch with my inner sociopath
A quick attempt at a joke
Jane took an afternoon nap on New Year ’s Eve. Upon awakening she told her husband that she had a vivid dream that he had given her a pair of beautiful diamond earrings.
“I wonder what it means?” she asked him.
“Oh, I think you will find out tonight,” he smiled at her.
Sure enough, just before midnight he presented her with a nice New Year’s gift.
A book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
Finally,
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
New Years humor normal focuses on two topics: New Year’s resolutions and drinking. Not being one to disappoint my readers let me start with some of my own resolutions:
• I intend to start procrastinating more, starting tomorrow.
• I will try to be one with my duality
• I will share my wisdom and advice for there are few sweeter words than “I told you so.”
• Before I criticize another man I will first walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets mad at me I have a good head start and he is barefoot.
• I will assume full responsibility for my actions, except for the ones that are someone else’s fault.
• I will let go my feelings of guilt and try to get in touch with my inner sociopath
A quick attempt at a joke
Jane took an afternoon nap on New Year ’s Eve. Upon awakening she told her husband that she had a vivid dream that he had given her a pair of beautiful diamond earrings.
“I wonder what it means?” she asked him.
“Oh, I think you will find out tonight,” he smiled at her.
Sure enough, just before midnight he presented her with a nice New Year’s gift.
A book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
Finally,
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Yuletide JOW #489
It has been brought to my attention that it is almost Christmas. I am far from being the most perceptive gift-giver but I have learned a few things about gifts not to give to women, most especially women you either live with or would like to live with. Consider the advice my gift to you. And Merry Christmas to all!
Gifts best not given:
• Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV or anything you see in an informercial.
• Do not consider any bulk cleaning supplies as a gift. Imagine lines like: "Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." If you make this mistake, all I can say is, be prepared to run. Even a $5 Chia Pet is better than this.
• Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you.
• Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift.
• No name perfume that costs $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the toilet.
• Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Men, if you are not gay or a transvestite, you do not have good enough taste to buy a woman clothing she had not specifically selected in advance.
• Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network.
• Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat" in Husband School. If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
• Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law
Here are some lines that might come in handy when someone hands you that “Special Gift”
• It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
• Well, well, well...
• I really don't deserve this.
• I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
• If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
• Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
• To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
• Gosh, you shouldn’t have. Really.
Companies used to give things called “Christmas Parties.” In these troubled economic times most businesses are no longer holding them because the expense of these events is starting to cut into the bonuses of senior executives. But if you do go, try not to overindulge.
Here are some helpful tips to let you know you have taken too much Holiday Cheer.
You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
Finally, sometimes Christmas Stress can effect everyone.
One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and they were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
Just then there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.
Gifts best not given:
• Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV or anything you see in an informercial.
• Do not consider any bulk cleaning supplies as a gift. Imagine lines like: "Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." If you make this mistake, all I can say is, be prepared to run. Even a $5 Chia Pet is better than this.
• Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you.
• Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift.
• No name perfume that costs $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the toilet.
• Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Men, if you are not gay or a transvestite, you do not have good enough taste to buy a woman clothing she had not specifically selected in advance.
• Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network.
• Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat" in Husband School. If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
• Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law
Here are some lines that might come in handy when someone hands you that “Special Gift”
• It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
• Well, well, well...
• I really don't deserve this.
• I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
• If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
• Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
• To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
• Gosh, you shouldn’t have. Really.
Companies used to give things called “Christmas Parties.” In these troubled economic times most businesses are no longer holding them because the expense of these events is starting to cut into the bonuses of senior executives. But if you do go, try not to overindulge.
Here are some helpful tips to let you know you have taken too much Holiday Cheer.
You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
Finally, sometimes Christmas Stress can effect everyone.
One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and they were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
Just then there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Cold Gray Rainy JOW #488
This part of Texas may not get a lot of really cold weather but it still gets nasty this time of year. Rain and low gray clouds can linger for days. I spent Christmas Week, 1991 cooped up with five children aged 12-7; I do not think we were able to go outside for more than 30 minutes for six days. Actually I have fond memories of that Christmas. However, I have not seen the sun in a week now and I am getting pretty darn tired of cold gray days. Since the weather is on my mind, I thought I would feature our climate in the JOW. Enjoy.
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
======================================
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
======================================
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
=====================================
The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!
• Rumor has it that they are going to rename the Miami baseball team the "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
• Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.
• What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
• How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
• It's a bit "muggy" in New York today.
• There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
• A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Two tourist arrive in London’s Heathrow Airport in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other replies, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
From the Rocky Mountain News, "BEST EXPERIMENT":
"If you are caught without an umbrella when it starts to rain, will you stay drier by running to shelter instead of walking?
Thomas Peterson and Trevor Wallis, of Asheville, N.C., both climatologists, calculated that running made one 44% drier over 100 meters (about 328 feet).
To test their findings, they measured off a 100-meter course and waited for it to rain. They wore identical dry clothing that had been weighed before the test (they wear the same size) and wore plastic bags under their clothes to trap any water that might seep through. Peterson walked the course, while Wallis ran. Afterward, they weighed the clothes again. The result: Wallis' clothes were 40% drier.
Frankly, we'd take a cab."
And finally, here is a repeat from a few years back:
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?
"To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
And all the felicitations of the season!
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
======================================
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
======================================
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
=====================================
The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!
• Rumor has it that they are going to rename the Miami baseball team the "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
• Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.
• What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
• How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
• It's a bit "muggy" in New York today.
• There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
• A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Two tourist arrive in London’s Heathrow Airport in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other replies, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
From the Rocky Mountain News, "BEST EXPERIMENT":
"If you are caught without an umbrella when it starts to rain, will you stay drier by running to shelter instead of walking?
Thomas Peterson and Trevor Wallis, of Asheville, N.C., both climatologists, calculated that running made one 44% drier over 100 meters (about 328 feet).
To test their findings, they measured off a 100-meter course and waited for it to rain. They wore identical dry clothing that had been weighed before the test (they wear the same size) and wore plastic bags under their clothes to trap any water that might seep through. Peterson walked the course, while Wallis ran. Afterward, they weighed the clothes again. The result: Wallis' clothes were 40% drier.
Frankly, we'd take a cab."
And finally, here is a repeat from a few years back:
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?
"To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
And all the felicitations of the season!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)