Engineering JOW #638

                Ah, engineers, solving problems you didn’t know you had in ways you don’t understand.  They are the subject for my JOW this week for no particular reason other than I found a joke I had not heard before concerning engineers.  Besides, it’s their turn.   

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There was a young electrical engineer who, having achieved some success decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.  He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a river.  They build a cabin and began spending time there every chance they got.  The kids loved it and friends came for the quiet and fishing.  The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin.  He had been award-winning pole vaulter in college.  He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece right in the river and a nice run right up to the bar.  He would take his vaulting pole, set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece and land in the river with a satisfying splash.  He tried teaching others to vault but without success.

Things went on this way for some years until one spring he came out and found the river was up and flowing at a good clip with twice the usual flow.  The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the river, the first of the year.  His wife did not think it was safe but he was a good swimmer and dismissed her fears.  His run and vault were flawless; he hit the water in good form, but was quickly swept downstream by the fast moving water.  His body was found later that day, tangled in debris.  It was a sad end for the engineer but entirely preventable. 

He should have know that “it’s not the vaultage that kills you but he current.”

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Around the turn of the 20^th century a famous electrical engineer gave up his trade of installing electricity into ships and decided to travel around the world and learn new cultures.  On his way back through the US he stumbled upon a very poor, isolated village out on the Navaho reservation.  Wanting to help he asked the local chief if it would be possible for him to put his experience in electrifying ships into some way of helping the people.

After a few moments of thought the chief commented that their outhouse was very cold and dark in the winter.  Perhaps the engineer could arrange for electricity to be installed there so they could have some light.

Of course the engineer was delighted to help putting his nautical electrical experience to use and becoming the first tourist to wire a head for a reservation.

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How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  That’s a hardware issue.

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·         What's the difference between a chemical engineer and a chemist? Answer: about $50k a year

·         What's the difference between a chemical engineer and a chemist? Answer. A chemical engineer does for profit what a chemist does for fun.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper:
"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!
After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."

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EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS:
* The Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

When considering the behavior of a howitzer: 

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. 

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. 

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

Oddball JOW #637

In order to ‘get’ some jokes you have to know a little bit about the subject of the joke.  In fact that is part of the humor of it: the shared understanding of the pun or ambiguity of the expression.  If the person hearing the joke is unaware of some of background of the joke they will not get the reference.  Does the name 'Pavlov' ring any bells?  

Here are three oddball jokes which presume a basic knowledge of physics:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

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Two molecules walk into a bar.  One says to the other “I think I have lost an electron.”

“Are you certain?” asks the other molecule.

“Yes, I’m positive.”

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Notice in a physics lab:

       Wanted

Schrodinger’s Cat

   Dead or Alive

        Or not

Here are some other oddball jokes

A recent psychological study revealed that a woman’s estrus cycle changes her taste in men.

While ovulating, women prefer pictures of faces of strong-looking very masculine men.  During their periods, they seem to prefer pictures of men with visible blunt force trauma to their face. 

Kids may not get this joke because don’t understand that during women’s ‘time of the month’ women become less compassionate, more moody, withdrawn, and prone to violent irrational outbursts; that is, they become more like men. 

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''

The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "Yeah but that would make no sense at all!"

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A few quick  jokes:

·         After all that food on Thanksgiving I decided to go on a whiskey diet. I've already lost two days.

·         A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!  

·         I went to the corner shop and bought 4 corners.

·         What is the proper scientific term for your tenth sexual partner?  Decimate

·         And if they were all men?    Decimale

·         What do you call a bear that has lost one ear?      B

In conclusion, do any of you remember Elephant jokes?

How do you get 4 elephants in a Smartcar?

2 in the front and 2 in the back.

What's harder than getting 4 elephants in a Smartcar?

Getting 4 pregnant elephants in a Smartcar.

What's harder than getting 4 pregnant elephants in a Smartcar?

Getting 4 elephants pregnant in a Smartcar!  (read carefully)

How do you get four giraffes into a Smartcar?

You can't; it’s full of elephants

Pre-Holiday JOW #636

Thanksgiving is the real start of the ‘Holidays’ a time demanding way too much effort for way too long.  We are constantly bombarded with messages to spend, Spend, SPEND, SPEND.  At least Thanksgiving has less pressure from commercials – although Black Friday is somehow becoming a holiday in and of itself.  This is the logical extension of our entire Holiday system: no need to have a real holiday, just a reason to spend money we don’t have.   At least Thanksgiving allows us to all sit down at the same time – halftime.

Thanksgiving does not get much attention from the motion picture industry; here are a few ideas for some Thanksgiving-themed movies.

·        My Best Friend's Dressing

·        The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

·        Casserolablanca

·        12 Hungry Men

·        Silence of the Yams

·        For Love of The Game Hen

·        I Know What You Ate Last Winter

·        White Meat Can't Jump

·        When Harry Met Salad

·        The Wing and I

And if you do happen to burn your Turkey, relax, there are some upsides to that.

·        The smoke alarm can get a test.

·        Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

·         Tell everybody your turkey is Cajun blackened.

·        Salmonella won't be a concern.

·        Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain new found appreciation.

·        Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

·        No one will overeat.

·        You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

·        The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

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At a Thanksgiving celebration the uncle sat down next to his young niece was sitting beside next to her infant brother.

“Is he spoiled?” asked the doting uncle.

“No, he usually smells like that,” she replied.

…………………………

Young Bubba was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bubba asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bubba said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

Some non-holiday humor:

Old guys can still have some box office punch.  There have been a couple of movies starring well-aged action stars.  They called them “The Expendables”.  I guess they thought that given the age of some of the stars calling them “The Dependables” might give the wrong idea.

Dick, who lives in LA and thus should know, says that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star in a new Conan movie.  The working title is “Conan the Octogenarian”

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I heard some Seals were punished for helping to development one of those military video games.  Maybe our Generals can pick up a few bucks by helping develop a new game: “Call of Booty”.

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A random thought: If fast carnivorous dinosaurs had pondered the meaning of life would they have been called Philosoraptors?

Worn out JOW #635

I thought I would put out a Joke of the Week on exercise since I did not do much of it last week other than  jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth, pushing my luck, flying off the handle, casting aspersions, and generally getting over the hill.  I understand the government has just completed a seventeen billion dollar program investigating just why our nation is so overweight.  It seems that in order to lose weight you need to diet and exercise.  Who would have thought it?

First, Tor has brought something to my attention –

Gay marriage and marijuana were both legalized in some states in the recent elections.  This is in accordance with the bible for does not Leviticus 20:13 say:

“A man who lays with another man should be stoned”?

(By the way, now that it is legal can’t you just imagine the commercials for weed?)

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Before I get into my theme I just had a thought:

Q: What happens if you play a country music song backwards?

A: You sober up, you get a job, and your girl comes back to you.

Dianne shared some of her exercise secrets with me:

·         Walking can add time to the end of your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

·         I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.  The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

·         I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

·         Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

·         And exercise makes me spill my coffee.

·         I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

·         The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

·         If you decide to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

·         We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

A man who had tried and failed in every known exercise program answered an ad for guaranteed weight loss through exercise. 

The pretty lady at the facility indicated that he would not have any fees if he did not lose weight after one of their sessions.  Intrigued the man signed up.  He instructed to wear only his shorts and tennis shoes and to report to an upstairs room.  He entered through a heavy door into a darkened space.  As he stood there uncertainly the door closed and locked behind him.  The lights suddenly came on and he found himself in a large room filled with stairs, ladders, ramps, and obstacles.  In the center of the room was a scantily-clad young nymph. 

“If you can catch me in the next hour, you can have me,” she said teasingly.  A bell rang and for the next hour he tried vainly to do just that.  Finally, after an hour of pursuit a bell rang and the door behind him opened. 

The young lovely popped out with a cheerful, “See you next week.”

The man trained hard for his exercise sessions and the pounds just melted off as he fruitlessly chased various fit young women.  As time when by he came closer and closer to catching one of the temptresses; additionally, his rate of weight loss decreased.

“Sir,” the receptionist told him as he arrived for one of his sessions, “in order to reach your desired goal weight we think it is time to provide you with increased motivation.  Would you like to try our enhanced program?”

Thinking this must be two even more lovely girls the man agreed.

As usual, he entered the darkened room and the door locked securely behind him.  When the lights came up he saw a large, ugly, bearded man in the middle of the room.

“If I can catch you I can have you,” the ugly man said getting up as a bell rang.

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I know that every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, not only do the ladies look just fine, so do I.

………

A retired man was asked what he going to do that day by his wife. 

‘Nothing’ he replied. 

“You did that yesterday.”

“I didn’t finish.”

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And to finish up with something from my Navy friend Don

Osama Bin Laden was living with three wives in one compound and never left the house for five years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.