Valued Family JOW #741

Thanksgiving was lovely once again.  According to the movies and TV shows I have seen coming out of Hollywood Thanksgiving is stressful because it involves family members.  Perhaps I am the exception but I like almost all of my family on both sides.  And I definitely enjoy the annual feast – in fact I look forward to it.  The only downside to the event is that the food is so delicious that I eat too much of it, adding on unnecessary pounds.  Following this year’s spectacular I went on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. 

Here are some more or less (mostly less) jokes with a sort of family theme.

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The software engineer wanted to help his poor wife when she was sick and so volunteered to go the grocery store for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

He returned shortly and proceeded to carefully unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three boxes of spaghetti, four boxes of detergent, five bananas, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

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When a husband took the clothes out of the machine and discovered to his dismay  that he had also washed the watch his wife had given him.

She replaced it with a new one which had a carefully added tag: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!”

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Back in the day two brothers met before one left on an extended business trip. Mick’s wife was due to deliver her next child soon and Mick wanted to cover all contingencies.
"If my wife gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honor to do that for you Mick," says Pat.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl; they are both beautiful," says Pat.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Pat.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."

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A little boy was so excited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I’m getting a brother."
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother?
He replied, "I think mommy ate him."

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A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Tommy opens the door, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Tommy taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My aunt died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow, both relatives gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my mother died, and left me $100,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

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A man goes on a two month business trip where he will be out to touch and so he leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he gets to a phone and calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's dead
Brother 1: He's dead! What do you mean He's dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken the news to me better than that.  You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could have told me, well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me, The Fire Department came and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

……………………………………

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out a hundred Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain!!!"

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Sammy couldn’t take it anymore. His wife Shirley had been nudging him for months to see the Doctor. He had finally made the appointment simply because he couldn’t take it any longer. As he walked in the front door after his appointment, an anxious Shirley was there waiting for him. Bracing herself for the worst, she asked Sammy how the appointment went, as she nervously eyed the bottle of pills he had come home with.

“Everything’s fine”, Sammy happily told her. All he gave me was this bottle of tranquilizers.” “Tranquilizers?” asked a confused Shirley. “I’ve never heard of them giving tranquilizers?!”

“Oh, they’re not for me,” Sammy triumphantly replied. “They’re for you!”

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The young lady asked Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?''

He said, ''How flexible are you?''

“Well” she replied, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

Wordplay JOW #780

Once again I am having fun with words.  Writing does that for you.  By the way, if you are stuck on giving a gift to someone, consider providing them with a signed first edition novel.  I can provide them for you at a very reasonable cost.  But back to words and how very strange meanings can be.  For example, if you think about it, “understand” is a funny word.  Unlike “underarm” or “undercook” it does not make a lot of sense.  You have to wonder what ‘standing’ has to do with comprehension.  And why ‘under’?  Even more curious is trying to figure out what should be the opposite of understand.  Is it underlie, overstand, or overlie?  Or maybe it’s ununderstand, or just plain derstand.

There are lots of funny words in English, like “partake” which looks like it has something to do with golf, or “bigamist” which suggests a person with a sizeable problem, or “cockpit” which just begs to be fooled with.  The word “improper” is funny if you split the word after the first p (imagine a cowboy who lassoes little demons.)

But making fun of a word often requires that we ignore the word’s etymology—otherwise the amusement might be lost to reason.  For example, the word “surgery” begs the question “what surges?”  In fact, the word evolved from an old French word surigien with roots in old English as chirurgeon which came from the Greek cheirourgos (cheir, hand + ergon, work.)  That history may be interesting, but not very funny.  Why don't we put pants in the pantry? An amusing question—but not if you are aware that the origin of the word “pantry” is from the Middle English panetrie meaning “bread room” borrowed from the Old French paneterie the root of which comes from the Latin word for bread, panis.  The origin of “pants” is from Pantaleon, the name of a 4th-century saint who was favored by Venetians who, consequently, became known as Pantaloni.  In the 17th century, the French used the word pantalon to refer a particular style of tights resembling that worn by an old Venetian in an Italian play.  The word for tight fitting trousers came to the English as “pantaloons” and by 1850 was shortened to “pants.”

Here are some more word jokes that I sometimes ponder:

Would rehearsing a sermon be how a pastor practices what he preaches?

If you have to collect your thoughts, are you scatterbrained?

Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?

If you’re on a low carb diet, aren’t you going against the grain?

Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?

Is it nightfall that causes the crack of dawn?

Would a get-together of optimists be a glee club?

What’s the difference between new and brand new?

If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?

If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it’s a necktie?

Is it okay to use the AM radio after noon?

Why does your house burn up as it burns down?

Does a glee club ever sing sad songs?

Is a cured ham a lousy actor who no longer is a lousy actor?

Would being awakened by an earthquake be a moving experience?

How come you have to write down something to write up something?

If you talk turkey, wouldn’t you sound ridiculous?

Are odds and ends less important than evens and starts?

Is talking behind one’s back the same as talking in front of one’s back?

When people say “God speed,” just how fast is that?

How come you have to fill in a form to fill out a form?

Why can you see stars out but not lights out?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?

Why isn’t there anyplace to lie down in a public rest room?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Does alphabet soup ever spell trouble?

Can you take a crash course in flying?

How come noses run and feet smell?

When you press the door bell button, shouldn’t you use your ring finger?

Do old wrinkled people think baggy clothes are skin tight?

How can you dig out of a hole?

Why do people say “bye bye” but not “hello hello?”

Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?

Shouldn’t guests leave a banquet fed up?

If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?

Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?

Why do you chop down the tree, and then chop up the tree?

When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?

Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If you kick the bucket, aren’t you still kicking?

 Why ”needless to say“ always comes with something said?

If you make ends meet, aren’t you just going around in circles?

Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?

When you say something tongue in cheek, why don’t you bite your tongue?

If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn’t you do a double take?

When somebody greets us with “how do you do,” why don’t we ever reply “do what?”

If marriage is a two-way street, aren’t head-on collisions inevitable?

If you pull strings to get ahead, won’t your scheme unravel?

Are you sound asleep when you snore?

How come even after you lose your temper, you still have a temper?

How come you sleep while the alarm clock is on and wake up when it goes off?

Can you back up down a hill?

How come the bride never marries the best man?

Wouldn’t you expect to get a dead battery free of charge?

Should you break into song if you can’t find the key?

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Tom sent me these:
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify: I put  'DOCTOR'.
 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy (ever been to WALMART?).
 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Stone Cold JOW #739

It has gotten cold, and about time, too.  I like cold weather because it is so hot here so much of the year.  Besides, when it is cold you can add layers until you are warm.  With hot weather you can only take off so many layers before it becomes illegal.  It is so cold today that flashers just describe themselves to women.  Of course it is not that bad here.  We don’t worry about being snowed in here in east Texas; not that snow is all that much of a problem - nothing a little salt can’t take of – especially if it is on the rim of a margarita.

So here are a few bits sort of related to the colder weather:

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"The morning weather map for the eastern half of the U.S. looked like an algebra worksheet — lots of small, negative numbers."

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"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain." — Jimmy Kimmel

It was so cold that:

·         Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick

·         We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords out of it.

·         Cops yell 'thaw!' when chasing bad guys.

·         You are thankful for hot flashes.

·         Donald Trump's hair freezes in place.

·         You'd rather listen to Nickelback than walk outside

·         I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

·         Teenagers have pulled their pants up.

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said,

"They're a thing of beauty."

"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager asked.

"I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"

………..

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader a few days later he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be pretty cold."

So the Chief went back and told his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again,

"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

A couple Wholly Mammoth jokes:

Q: Why did the Great Woolly Mammoth cross the road?
A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age.

Q: What's huge and shaggy with tusks and horns?
A: The Woolly Mammoth Marching Band!

And in the non-cold weather category –

“Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of 7 to 10 year olds. Clearly distracted, my neighbor cruised right through a stop sign,

“Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car.

My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said, “What makes you think they are all mine?!”

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Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that. As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm. As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”

“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.

“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.

“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”

“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about? So tell me, how many priest’s did you kill?”