Numbers JOW #1122

 As I am sure you are aware, today is 22 February, or to put it another way, 22/2/22.  That is a lot of twos.  In fact today should be a ballerina because it has so many tutus. I have done a lot of jokes about words over the years, in fact I have even reposted some (foreshadowing alert), but I have not done any JOWs about numbers.  My number is up.  Here are some jokes about various numbers with a few math bits thrown in.

 

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

 

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

 

A group of numbers were picking on 8 and he really h8'd it.

But when they pushed him over he felt infinitely worse.

 

How do you make seven even?

Just take away the ‘s’.

 

I don’t want to talk about 288 at all.  It’s just two gross.

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

 

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3 square meals a day.

 

So 6 was afraid of 7 because 789 but why was 10 scared?

Because 10 was in the middle of 911

 

I am so mad that I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

 

Pi (π) and i (square root of -1) are having a conversation.

i gets angry and shouts: "Will you just be rational for a second!!!"

pi (π) replies: "Oh get real."

 

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

 .......

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.

`````````````````

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, it was the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.
At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.
And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.
Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.
The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.
"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."
"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."
This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.
He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me for granted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."
The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.
The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.
"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

  

Down Under JOW #1121

 It has been a while since I emphasized national humor.  My friend Dick sent me some jokes from Australia which gave me this week’s theme.  Deciphering Aussie humor might not always be easy, but you’ve got to love the Australian way of always seeing the funny side of things. Yes Australian humor might be anti-authoritarian, more persistently offensive, obscene and aggressive than other cultures, but it is their way of dealing with hard times and difficult subjects.  Their humor may not be politically correct, perhaps that is why I like it.  Here ae some samples. -

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

_______________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af - ri - ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust - ra - lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . 
. . . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus - tri - a is that quaint little country bordering Ger - man - y, which is . . .
. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A - mer - ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
_________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

As I said, Australian humor can be a little rough.  Some examples:

Shane aged 23.  'My Sheila's an angel'.
Bruce aged 59.  'You’re lucky mate, mine is still alive'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project
in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

 

```````

Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book
his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know.  It's your plane.'

+++++++++++++++

Ricky was getting drunk in the pub and ran out of money.  Ricky did not feel like going home and begged the publican for another drink. 'Com'on  Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I'll pay you next week.....'
Robbie, the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, 'See that building across the road?'
'Yeah...' says Ricky, squinting'

‘Well, that is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.'

'Deal? Wot deal?' mutters Ricky.

Robbie, ‘Well, Ricky, they don't sell beer, and I don't lend money.'

=========

A burglar broke was arrested after he had broken into Bruce’s house,  The next morning, Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house.

'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.

'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'

******

Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.   

'Tiny', answers Barry.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt'.  

 

 

 

Money, Money, Money JOW #1120

 I have a number of jokes about finance this week.   No particular reason; I have been collecting documents for tax season (oh, joy) and that is where my mind was wandering.  Trigger warning: This JOW contains ‘Knock Knock’ jokes.  

Japanese Banking Humor
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they crashed. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Some financial riddles:

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.

Q: Why do the banks never fire their top accountants?
A: Because they always threaten to take a job as investigators with the IRS.

Q: What do you say to the investor who lost a lot of money?
A: "Don't be sad; your money isn't lost. It just belongs to someone else now..."

Q: What does the AAA-rating of a bank stand for?
A: The executive council consists of Academics, Analysts and the other A**holes.

Q: What is optimism?
A: When an investment banker irons five fresh shirts on Sunday

Who would have ever thought there would be Icelandic Bank jokes?
Q: What is the capitol of Iceland?
A: Oh, about $2.10 and sinking fast

Q: What do Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker have in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.

 

++++++

A man won a $5 million on the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of that to charity.  It was no big deal.  That still left him with $4,999,999.75.

------

A company selling safes has a new ad campaign:

"If your things get stolen, well it's not our vault."

 

I haven’t done many knock knock jokes lately.  Here are some money-related ones.

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Cash

Cash who?

No thank you, but I’ll take some almonds if you have any.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Nicholas.

Nicholas who?

A Nicholas not worth much these days.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Robin.

Robin who?

Robin' you. Hand over all your money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Hanover.

Hanover who?

Hanover all your money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Cash.

Cash who?

Cash me if you can.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Yolande.

Yolande who?

Yolande me some money, I'll pay you back tomorrow.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Iowa.

Iowa who?

Iowa you some money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Bellows.

Bellows who?

Bellows me money. Is he here?

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Celeste.

Celeste who?

Celeste time I'll be lending you money

 

An organic joke.
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

~~~~~~

Remember, the word ‘organic’ is from the Greek root ‘organos’ which means ‘over-priced’.

======

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

And finally

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

 

Karen's JOW #1119

February Second is Groundhog Day, made famous by one of my favorite movies of the same name.  One of my favorite lines in the move: “Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

Ralph: That about sums it up for me.”

But I have a lot of jokes about Karens to use.  You know, the bossy white middle-aged women who are never satisfied and demand to speak to the manger.  That is Karen.  Also, the head of a Home Owner’s Association.  So I threw in some Karen jokes and a bit more filler to get to my self-imposed target of a thousand words.  Here you go:

================

A group of crows is called a murder. What do you call a group of Karens?

A migraine.  Either that or a Home Owners Association.

 

What kind of clothing do Karen’s wear?

A lawsuit.

 

What's a Karen's favorite band?

The police.

 

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

 

Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier?

She didn't like its tone.

 

Karen and Ruth used to hang out all the time but Karen was not caring enough so Ruth left her.

Now Karen is completely Ruthless.

 

Karen’s husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts him.
Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Is the afterlife better than your life on earth with me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?
Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?

 

Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?

She wanted the Task Manager.

 

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

 

My friend usually complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you could say that she's past the point of Karen.

 

A dyslexic Karen went to Bethlehem.

She asked to see the manger.

 

How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit around in the dark and bitch about it.

 

Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

 

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, astrology, and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a coincidence.

A few mean jokes

Policeman:  I’m sorry but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.

Man: I know, but she has a wonderful personality

 

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

 

What does a vegan zombie like to eat? Graaains. 

 

I asked a friend if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.

She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."

~~~~~~~~~~

What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I have never been caught in a traffic jelly.

 

Finland have just closed their borders.

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

 

Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll. 

 

Blame Dick for this one:

Do you know why ants never get sick?  Because they have little anty-bodies

 

New emergency exit signs

In the case of fire, exit the building before tweeting about it.

 

Breaking news. 

Man Shot 200 times with an Upholstery Gun

Surgeons say he is now fully recovered

 

I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome…

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

 

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes, but actually no.

 

 I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

 

I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.”

 

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird Axe scent.

 

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

 

I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

 

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

 

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges.

 

My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

 

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

 

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me, “What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?”

I said, “Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality - telling what’s real from what’s not.”

They then asked, “And your strengths?”

I said, “I’m Batman.”

`````````

The police officer stopped a miner on the way to his job.

I got three questions for you: Whose car in this?  Where are you going?  What are you going to do when you get there?

The miner, a man of few words answered all three questions.

“Mine.”

 

 

 

It'll all work out JOW #1118

Being retired is not without its challenges.  I am falling behind here at home.  I am going to have to do twice as much ‘nothing’ tomorrow.  I can remember having to work….vaguely.  But I do have some jokes about the many different jobs in my various careers over my lifespan.  Alas, none of them involved jokes – some were jokes, but that is another story.  Here are my humorous (I hope) jokes of the week.

My Job Search

·         I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

·         After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 

·         Then, I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life - but I just didn't have the thyme. 

·         I tried to be a deli worker, but, no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. 

·         My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found out that I wasn't noteworthy. 

·         I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income. 

·         So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

·         I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory.

·         The muffler factory was just exhausting.

·         I couldn’t cut it as barber, either.

·         I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

·         I didn’t fit in the shoe factory even though I put my sole into it.

·         Pool maintenance was too draining.

·         I got fired from the cannon factory.

·         And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

·         I worked for a while in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.  I felt it wasn’t going anywhere.

 

So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!

 

My old boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

 

I got fired from my job making keyboards.  I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.  So I got a job at the watch factory.  Now all I do all day is make faces.

Then I got fired from another job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

 

So now I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:

Leave Me the Fu Cologne.

 

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"

"The gas, electric, and cable company."

 

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.

“Why did you leave that job?” asked one co-worker.

“It was something my boss said,” the woman replied.

“Why? What did he say?” the co-worker asked.

“You’re fired.”

++++++

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

I sometimes wonder about job titles.

Could a librarian be called a bookkeeper?

A referee be a game warden?

A dairyman be a cowboy?

A cabinetmaker be the president?

 

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

Ian.  (It is a word joke)

````

I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?

===

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

^^^^

There was a man was in the street mumbling, “Deep hole full of water.”

It’s okay, he means well.

>>> 

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun.

<<< 

Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walk into a bar.

“OH SNaP!” says the bartender.

~~~~

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.  Just one byte.

A few quick ones

·         If you need more space, there is always NASA.

·         The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+

·         The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous, but backwards it’s even more stupid.

·         I wonder….If Mr. Potato Head was elected President would he be referred to as “Potatus”?

·         Why is it good to know sign language? Because it comes handy.

·         People who listened to the experts and isolated themselves during the pandemic had a form of ‘heard immunity.’

·         Why did she quit her job at the helium factory? She refused to be talked to in that voice.

 

A couple of off-topic jokes to finish

Two whales walk into a pub.

They take a seat at the bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says: “Whhhhhoooooaaaaaeeeeeyyyyiiiiiaaaalllllllooooaaaaauuu?”

The second one turns to the first and says, “Shut up Frank, you’re drunk.”

~~~~~~~

A man came to the doctor for a bad cough.  The doctor mistakenly gave him a prescription for a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up

The doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to, now.”

 

 

Life Lessons JOW #1117

This week I have some jokes that teach some important life lessons, along with a few other tips, tricks, and jokes.  Enjoy.

Dick, a wise man, gave me some things to ponder as we age: 
The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54 
The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57 
The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41  
The best soccer player in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60  

Adelle Davis, a famous American author & nutritionist, “Let’s Eat Right to Keep Fit”, died of cancer at 70.

And on the other hand -
Colonel Sanders, KFC inventor, died at 94.  
Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88 
Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102  
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 - in an earthquake    
Hennessy cognac, Irish inventor died at 98  

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only two years.  The turtle, that doesn't exercise at all, lives 300 years.

 Dick also sent these valuable life lessons – I have shared some of these before but not with their morals

**Lesson 1:**
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a robe and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor who is giving her the eye. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to open that robe.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman opens her robe and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob takes a good look, smiles, hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the robe and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob our next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
*Moral of the story:*
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

**Lesson 2:**
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
*Moral of the story:*
Always let your boss have the first say

**Lesson 3:**
A young minister offered a lift to an attractive young woman. She got in and crossed her legs, revealing a length of leg. The minister nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The girl said, ”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The minister apologized “Sorry, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at her destination, the girl went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the minister rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
*Moral of the story:*
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

**Lesson 4**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
Soon a fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Moral of the story:*
If you want to do nothing, you must be sitting very high up

**Lesson 5:**
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
*Moral of the story:*
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there

**Lesson 6**
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Morals of the story:*
1. Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

And here is a story passed on from Tor.

I ordered Chinese take-out from a new local place (I won't name them) and went to pick it up.  As I was driving home with the yummy-smelling bag on the car floor next to me, I distinctly heard it rustling - and moving! I thought WT...? Has something gotten into the bag? For a moment, I could've sworn a tiny pair of eyes peered out at me, but I was driving so couldn’t really see.

So, I pulled over and stopped the car.

Carefully, I picked up the bag and put it on the passenger seat. There it was again! More rustling... and then those little eyes, looking out from behind the ginger beef! I thought, it's got to be a rat or a mouse or something. Slowly, I pulled the bag open... and there it was!

A Peeking duck.

++++++++

 

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

 

Fat and Sassy JOW #1116

I am still writing books.  Recently, I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing.  It should definitely spice up my autobiography.  Actually I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography.  Believe it or not, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.  My jokes this week reflect my recent experience at being old and fat.

 

My friend Tor tried calling the Tinnitus helpline. No answer. Just kept ringing.

 

This pandemic crisis seems like two years ago.  There is a simple explanation: 2022 is 2020 too.

 

Some good old life lessons from Dick

·         At this point in my life, "drinking responsibly" means don't spill it.

·         Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

·         It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

·         The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

·         When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

·         I remember being able to get up without making sound effects

·         I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

·         Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

·         When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

·         I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

·         These days, I run like the winded.

·         When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

·         When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

·         Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

·         My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

Lately I have been looking in the mirror and asking myself: Does this body make me look fat? Who knew 40 years of neglect would have repercussions?

===

This chef on TV just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor”. I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.”

+++

You are what you eat. So, you should really give up the nuts.

```

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 6:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 6:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."

<<< 

Scene: A sports store.

Me: Do you have jogging shorts?

Clerk: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going? 

 

Starting that diet:

Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" her friend exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" Kimberly replied. "I'll ride with you."

 

Eating healthier:

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it.”

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

 

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 20-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

^^^^

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Of course, my grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.  He was a lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

~~~~

My grandfather always use to say “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

````

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

 

Article on the neighborhood website

Need a new home for a dog.  It is a small terrier that barks all the time.  If interested, let me know and I will jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

 

Mark Zuckerberg has concluded his research into rating every woman on Earth and has now shut down Facebook.  Thank you for your cooperation.

And at last some food for thought

I just saw this older movie where the mother is brutally killed by a cold blooded killer and the son is crippled. Then there's a twist and the son is kidnapped the father begins a quest to find and save his son with the help of a mental ill female.
It’s called Finding Nemo