Hot Cooking JOW #1240

 I consider myself a good cook…. for children.  My best culinary creations come from a can.  Yes, my cooking is incredible. It’s just that the ‘cr’ is silent.  My cooking provides my family a chance to strengthen their immune system.  And it also had the side effect of stopping the dog from begging at the table. 

My jokes this week feature cooking and food.  I hope you find them digestible.

 

I didn’t feel like cooking last night, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess it wasn’t bread so much as just grain.
Fermented grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.

With some bitters and some simple syrup

And some fruit: a cherry and orange garnish

It was an Old-Fashioned dinner

 

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food I'm preparing.

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

Some jerk calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was crap so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

 

Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas.

 

I just learned that the average adult has nine drinks per week.  So, I am above average in something!

 

Alcohol allows you to run from your problems without the need for sweaty actual movement

 

A man yelled at his girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

 

A golfer asked the little lady working the beverage cart at the local golf course if she could go back to the previous green to see if he had left his sandwich there. She spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, before a golfer coming up asked her if someone had lost a sand wedge. 

 

Waffles are just considerate pancakes.  ‘Let me hold that syrup for you in these nice little squares.’

 

Who won the Asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai.

 

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

 

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

 

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

 

A watched pot never boils; an unwatched pot boils over and catches fire in 3 seconds.

 

I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...
What is leftover beer?

 

A man was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage so after work, he decided to ask his friend for help.
He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"
His friend replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her cooking once in a while."
Satisfied with the advice, the man went back home to dinner. As he's having dinner he says "Darling, the food is very good today."
To his surprise, his wife became upset. “We’ve been married to each other ten years and you've never appreciated my cooking, but the one day I get take-out food you like it."

 

A set of newlyweds were getting to know one another.  The wife was a great cook, but her husband noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she put them in the skillet, she cut off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.
After having witnessed this a couple of times, he asked her why she did this.
"Oh, that's the way my mom taught me how to prepare sausages, she always made them like this for my father and myself"
Shortly after this they went over to her parents for a visit, and she brought up the question. " Mom, why do you cut off an inch on both sides of the sausages before baking them"
"That's the way my mother, your grandmother, taught me how to prepare them, I've never asked why."
As end of the year approached, they had a big family gathering and the wife's grandmother attended, and towards the end of the evening the couple sat down next to her. 

 "Granny, we were wondering, I've been cutting of an inch of both end of sausages, because that's how mom taught me, and she said she learned it from you, why is that?"
The old woman stared to the ceiling for a bit and then said agitated "Don't tell me you're still using that undersized skillet??"

 

And finally something different

 

One night, a husband murmured in his sleep, "Oh, Emily, you're the one that got away."

The wife, wide awake beside him, bolted up and exclaimed, "Emily? Who is Emily?"
The husband, still in the depths of slumber, muttered, "Emily, your laughter is the melody of my heart."
The wife, now fully awake and boiling with anger, shook him vigorously and demanded, "I demand to know who this Emily is!"
The husband, startled awake, looked at his wife with a mix of confusion and panic and then said, "Honey, it was just a dream. You know I can't even remember where I put my own socks, let alone some Emily Bristlewright from Cattle Street in Manchester, who works as a part-time hygenist!"

 

 

 

 

 

Sibling JOW #1239

My JOWs are considered to be family friendly.  Of course, when you consider how some brothers and sisters scrap I am not sure how friendly is always is.  I was fortunate to grow up in a family where we got along pretty well, especially since mom and dad clearly loved me more than my sisters.  So here are some jokes about siblings.  Enjoy.

My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.

So I sent him a “Get well soon” card.

 

The difference between a sibling and a half-sibling is…. apparent

 

His parents told little Johnnie they wanted another child

I’d love a sibling,” he replied.

“That’s not what we meant.”

My sister once told me that “Even if you were an only child, you still wouldn’t be Mom and Dad’s favorite.” 

 

My twin brother likes to take the stairs, but I always prefer the elevator.

We are raised differently

 

A Cajun asked her brother how come he only uses his superpowers on her daughters.

He told her it’s because he only has telekinesis not telekinephews.

 

What does a transgender person call their straight sibling?

Little cis

 

My sisters and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

 

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing your brother’s cast.” 

 

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin. 

 

Home schooling can be competitive.  Two sisters had a spelling bee.

“Spell ‘elephant,'” the older one challenged her younger sis

“Let her spell small animals, not big ones,” said her mom.

The older sister paused, then said, “Spell ‘mosquito.'”

 

Few people know that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank.

 

My grandfather, my mom, and all my siblings all have chronic diarrhea. Runs in the family.

 

Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers?

Neither have eye.

 

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly.

And as you can see, they were Wright.

Two other brothers tried, failed, and departed.  The Left Brothers.

Two Asian brothers tried to build an airplane, but their design had flaws.  They were Wong.

 

A customer was chatting with the young woman at the checkout counter.
“You’ve been here a while, haven’t you?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “That’s my twin sister. She’s been here six months. I started a couple of weeks ago.”
“Really?” The customer said. “Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now.”
“Actually,” she replied, “the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. So, she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, ‘Okay, here you go!’” 

 

Female airline pilots are still relatively rare. As a result, while in uniform, they are often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. One day, a pilot was brushing her teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in.

“My sister would be so proud of you!” she declared.

The pilot smiled and asked why.

The woman responded, “She’s a dentist.”

 

Enough of the jokes about relatives.  Here are a few humorous tidbits.  The last is pretty edgy for me.

 

Who would have thought conservatives would be so enthusiastic about nominations someone  for president who has a pierced ear.

 

I hear the US Secret Service is looking for people with roofing experience.

 

The recent passing of fitness guru Richard Simmons while Keith Richardson continues to thrive has be questioning my choice to exercise so much.

 

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

 

A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.

“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks.

“Well!” responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”

“OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.”

 

A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. He shouts to her, “Hey, why are you crossing the road?”
The chicken replies, “To change the light bulb in the henhouse.”
“Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? In other words, how many chickens does it take to change a light bulb?”
Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.”

 

Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive:

A few days ago, I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones… and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here’s the joke I told:

“What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?  Throw your laundry in.”

One of the new friends instantly became enraged at me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was, he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously, I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said, “I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?”

“No,” replied the guy. “He choked on a sock.”

 

Angry JOW #1238

 Recent events have highlighted just how angry everyone seems to be these days.  After the attempt on Donald Trump’s life, politicians have been trying to lower the temperature a bit.  Even Hillary Clinton chimed in, I think her statement was something like, “We deeply regret to hear of Donald Trump’s recent suicide attempt.” 

So, I thought I would put out a set of jokes mostly about anger.  I hope they make you laugh instead of getting mad.

 

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

But I went back on social media, and it turns out I am relatively well adjusted and normal.

 

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

 

So, I just started anger management

Apparently, it's all the rage right now

 

Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters"

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins"

 

I think I might have accidentally angered my doctor during my physical...

He told me, "That does it! The gloves are coming off!"

 

I’m so angry I just smashed my keyboard.

I lost Ctrl.

 

I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it to go to hell.

And it gave me directions to my mother-in-law’s house.

 

Behind every angry woman.

is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 

I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't take it.

 

I called the anger management helpline.

They told me to piss off and call back later.

 

I slapped my violin out of anger

I got arrested for domestic violins

 

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

 

I've recently developed a treatment for anger management issues.

It's called "Damitol".

 

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

Well, that sounds great, but then should I keep the letters?

 

I was at an exposition when I started getting harassed by a very aggressive salesman; when he saw I was losing my cool he sarcastically asked, "What would Jesus do?"

So, I flipped over his table and chased him from the building with a whip.

 

After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction...

tit for tat.

 

Some angry riddles.

What do you call a big white arctic bear had random anger fits about his gender

A bi-polar bear.

 

How to make a person with anger issues angry?

Tell them that they have anger issues.

 

What do you call a protein that has anger management issues?

Amino acid!

 

What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

A nomad.

 

Why do pirates leave the bathroom angry?

Because after the P is gone, they're just Irate.

 

What is round and angry?

A vicious circle.

 

If “ire” is an old-fashioned synonym for anger,

Is Ireland the land of angry people?

 

There’s no need to be angry at lazy people.

They didn't do anything.

 

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources"   -The Credible Hulk

 

The devil has started to get really self-conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he can’t find a solution.

There's going to be hell toupee

 

 

"May your generations be childless for a thousand years!" yelled my best friend in anger.

He never did think his curses through...

 

And three less angry jokes

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

---------------

 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms away in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk replies, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

 

A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking

So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex-wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then recalls the priest in his car, and at the last minute, swerves to miss him. The man then turns to the priest and says, "Father, forgive me, I nearly hit that lawyer!"
The Priest responds with, "Don't worry, my son, he was my altar boy’s lawyer too, I got him with the door!"

 

 

This JOW Blows #1237

 As I write this Hurricane Beryl is going on outside my office window.   I am not too concerned; we have an emergency generator and are well prepared.  They say Beryl’s eye wall may even go over the house in a few hours.  I am not concerned; it is not a very strong storm and is growing weaker. I stopped by the grocery store last night.  A man coming in noticed I had a box of wine.  “Stocking up for the hurricane?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.  I lifted the wine and replied, “Essential supplies.”  

I wondered if it was too early for hurricane jokes or whether I should wait for it to blow over.  But I know a lot of weather-related jokes so here are a few jokes on the fly as I watch the trees tossing in the wind.

There is a tendency to take hurricanes too lightly.  Maybe people would take them more seriously if instead of giving them names like Beryl, they called them names like Mega Death 24.  Except for weak storms.  Those we should name after politicians as they never come through with anything.

 

The Weather Channel has a reporter called Jim Cantore who is always at meteorological disasters.  He stands in wind, snow, rain, calmly giving reports; he is the Chuck Norris of meteorologists.   When Jim shows up at your location, look out.  He is like an ex-wife: when he comes into town somebody is going to lose everything. 

 

Hurricane Questions:

If a cheese factory loses its roof would there be De Bries everywhere?

 

What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a hurricane?

Paddy O' Furniture.

 

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a boatload of 1990's boy bands?

Washed up musicians.

 

Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane?

It was mime-blowing

 

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

 

Be prudent.  Don’t make that car payment until you see what the hurricane does.

 

I was asked if we would be evacuating.  I answered with a Southern Buddhist expression: “Namaste.”  Meaning I am gonna stay here.

 

Listening to meteorologists predict the impact of a coming hurricane is like Web MD.  It could be nothing or it could kill you.

 

~~~~~~~~

A politician visited a small town after a devastating hurricane.

Upon arrival, he asked what their needs were.
“We have two basic needs sir,” replied the villager.  “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.”
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.
He then asked about the second problem.
"Secondly sir, there is no cell phone coverage anywhere around here.”

 

Finally, a longer somewhat related joke.

 

A hurricane comes unexpectedly.  The ship goes down and is lost. A man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy has no idea what to do, so for the next few months he eats bananas, drinks coconut juice and longs for his old life. He fixes his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he is lying on the beach, he spots a movement out of the corner of his eye. It's a rowboat, and in it is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowing up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she says. 'I landed here when the ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he says. 'I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'
'It's only me,' she says, 'and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did.'
He is confused. 'Then how did you get the rowboat?'
'Oh, simple,' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. I whittled the oars from the gumtree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a coconut tree.'
'B-b-but that's impossible,' stutters the man. 'You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into the forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that,' she says. 'Where do you live?'
Sheepishly, he confesses that he has been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
'Well, let's row over to my place then,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to the shore he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to a neat little hut. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only state ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?'
'No, no thank you,' he says, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I have a still. How about a pina colada?'
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?' There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him over to sit down next o her.
'Tell me, ’She begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'we have been out here for a long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know...'
'You mean?' he replies, '...I can get Internet from here?'

 

Independent JOW #1236

 Happy Fourth of July, or as the British call it, Treason Day.  The Fourth is a low-key holiday emphasizing patriotic displays, food, parades and fireworks.  Fortunately, they have not yet figured out how to get gift giving and cards into the mix.  Still, I do enjoy the festivities; I love America.  It’s the best country in the nation.  Here are some jokes for the holiday. 

Happy birthday America!

 

4th of July.  The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

 

The marching band wanted to play Stars and Stripes Forever, but eventually they had to stop.

 

Lighting a firework inside of a porta potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow stuff up. *

 

What’s more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

 

What do you call milk that supports freedom of religion?
Lactose and tolerant.

 

Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

 

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

 

What’s the opposite of Freedom?
Freesubm.

 

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
They never mention that part to us, do they?!

 

Do you know that there is freedom of speech in China?
But there is no freedom after speech.

 

What is so different about countries without freedom of speech?
Well, some things are better left unsaid.

 

Kids, don’t play with fireworks.  Let the adults who have been drinking all day set them off.

 

There are no knock knock jokes about the Fourth of July because Freedom Rings.

 

All the fireworks on the 4^th of July are ridiculous.

They almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

 

Nothing says “Happy 4th of July” like passing down to your children the tradition of drunkenly blowing off your fingers with fireworks made in China.

 

What is the most popular sport on the 4th of July?
Flag football.

 

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.

 

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

 

The only bakery I loved at the 4th of July carnival was selling pastries with stars and stripes. Others were just un-pastry-otic.

 

What happens when you cross George Washington with a cattle feeder? You get The Fodder of our Country.

 

Red, white, and blue colors represent freedom.  Well, unless they are flashing behind you in the rear-view mirror.

 

During the Revolutionary war, patriots were able to train chickens to seek out British sympathizers.  They called it Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

 

A man goes into a very progressive bookstore. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's policy on immigration?  I can’t remember the title."

The clerk replies, "Get out and stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

 

And on that note I will change themes.

 

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave. The barber asks him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he can get a closer shave around his cheeks. The man asks: “But what if I swallow it?”

The barber replies: “No problem, sir. You just bring it back tomorrow like that other guy did.”

 

I never run with scissors.  Actually, those last two words are now unnecessary.

 

Be Alert!  The world needs more lerts.

 

We had our first hundred-degree day of the summer.  Walmart should be putting out the Christmas decorations soon.

 

A lady went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Richard!”

 

And finally

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American an American war hero was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated, and the door was closed.
After the American came in from using it later that day, they asked him if he noticed anything different. He said he noticed the portrait. When asked what he thought of it, he replied that he found it very appropriate for an Englishman to put it there. His confused hosts pressed him for an explanation, to which he replied, "Nothing makes an Englishman sh1t quicker than the sight of General Washington."