Independent JOW #1236

 Happy Fourth of July, or as the British call it, Treason Day.  The Fourth is a low-key holiday emphasizing patriotic displays, food, parades and fireworks.  Fortunately, they have not yet figured out how to get gift giving and cards into the mix.  Still, I do enjoy the festivities; I love America.  It’s the best country in the nation.  Here are some jokes for the holiday. 

Happy birthday America!

 

4th of July.  The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

 

The marching band wanted to play Stars and Stripes Forever, but eventually they had to stop.

 

Lighting a firework inside of a porta potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow stuff up. *

 

What’s more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

 

What do you call milk that supports freedom of religion?
Lactose and tolerant.

 

Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

 

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

 

What’s the opposite of Freedom?
Freesubm.

 

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
They never mention that part to us, do they?!

 

Do you know that there is freedom of speech in China?
But there is no freedom after speech.

 

What is so different about countries without freedom of speech?
Well, some things are better left unsaid.

 

Kids, don’t play with fireworks.  Let the adults who have been drinking all day set them off.

 

There are no knock knock jokes about the Fourth of July because Freedom Rings.

 

All the fireworks on the 4^th of July are ridiculous.

They almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

 

Nothing says “Happy 4th of July” like passing down to your children the tradition of drunkenly blowing off your fingers with fireworks made in China.

 

What is the most popular sport on the 4th of July?
Flag football.

 

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.

 

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

 

The only bakery I loved at the 4th of July carnival was selling pastries with stars and stripes. Others were just un-pastry-otic.

 

What happens when you cross George Washington with a cattle feeder? You get The Fodder of our Country.

 

Red, white, and blue colors represent freedom.  Well, unless they are flashing behind you in the rear-view mirror.

 

During the Revolutionary war, patriots were able to train chickens to seek out British sympathizers.  They called it Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

 

A man goes into a very progressive bookstore. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's policy on immigration?  I can’t remember the title."

The clerk replies, "Get out and stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

 

And on that note I will change themes.

 

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave. The barber asks him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he can get a closer shave around his cheeks. The man asks: “But what if I swallow it?”

The barber replies: “No problem, sir. You just bring it back tomorrow like that other guy did.”

 

I never run with scissors.  Actually, those last two words are now unnecessary.

 

Be Alert!  The world needs more lerts.

 

We had our first hundred-degree day of the summer.  Walmart should be putting out the Christmas decorations soon.

 

A lady went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Richard!”

 

And finally

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American an American war hero was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated, and the door was closed.
After the American came in from using it later that day, they asked him if he noticed anything different. He said he noticed the portrait. When asked what he thought of it, he replied that he found it very appropriate for an Englishman to put it there. His confused hosts pressed him for an explanation, to which he replied, "Nothing makes an Englishman sh1t quicker than the sight of General Washington."