This JOW Blows #1237

 As I write this Hurricane Beryl is going on outside my office window.   I am not too concerned; we have an emergency generator and are well prepared.  They say Beryl’s eye wall may even go over the house in a few hours.  I am not concerned; it is not a very strong storm and is growing weaker. I stopped by the grocery store last night.  A man coming in noticed I had a box of wine.  “Stocking up for the hurricane?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.  I lifted the wine and replied, “Essential supplies.”  

I wondered if it was too early for hurricane jokes or whether I should wait for it to blow over.  But I know a lot of weather-related jokes so here are a few jokes on the fly as I watch the trees tossing in the wind.

There is a tendency to take hurricanes too lightly.  Maybe people would take them more seriously if instead of giving them names like Beryl, they called them names like Mega Death 24.  Except for weak storms.  Those we should name after politicians as they never come through with anything.

 

The Weather Channel has a reporter called Jim Cantore who is always at meteorological disasters.  He stands in wind, snow, rain, calmly giving reports; he is the Chuck Norris of meteorologists.   When Jim shows up at your location, look out.  He is like an ex-wife: when he comes into town somebody is going to lose everything. 

 

Hurricane Questions:

If a cheese factory loses its roof would there be De Bries everywhere?

 

What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a hurricane?

Paddy O' Furniture.

 

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a boatload of 1990's boy bands?

Washed up musicians.

 

Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane?

It was mime-blowing

 

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

 

Be prudent.  Don’t make that car payment until you see what the hurricane does.

 

I was asked if we would be evacuating.  I answered with a Southern Buddhist expression: “Namaste.”  Meaning I am gonna stay here.

 

Listening to meteorologists predict the impact of a coming hurricane is like Web MD.  It could be nothing or it could kill you.

 

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A politician visited a small town after a devastating hurricane.

Upon arrival, he asked what their needs were.
“We have two basic needs sir,” replied the villager.  “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.”
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.
He then asked about the second problem.
"Secondly sir, there is no cell phone coverage anywhere around here.”

 

Finally, a longer somewhat related joke.

 

A hurricane comes unexpectedly.  The ship goes down and is lost. A man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy has no idea what to do, so for the next few months he eats bananas, drinks coconut juice and longs for his old life. He fixes his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he is lying on the beach, he spots a movement out of the corner of his eye. It's a rowboat, and in it is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowing up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she says. 'I landed here when the ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he says. 'I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'
'It's only me,' she says, 'and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did.'
He is confused. 'Then how did you get the rowboat?'
'Oh, simple,' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. I whittled the oars from the gumtree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a coconut tree.'
'B-b-but that's impossible,' stutters the man. 'You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into the forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that,' she says. 'Where do you live?'
Sheepishly, he confesses that he has been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
'Well, let's row over to my place then,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to the shore he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to a neat little hut. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only state ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?'
'No, no thank you,' he says, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I have a still. How about a pina colada?'
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?' There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him over to sit down next o her.
'Tell me, ’She begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'we have been out here for a long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know...'
'You mean?' he replies, '...I can get Internet from here?'