Hot Cooking JOW #1240

 I consider myself a good cook…. for children.  My best culinary creations come from a can.  Yes, my cooking is incredible. It’s just that the ‘cr’ is silent.  My cooking provides my family a chance to strengthen their immune system.  And it also had the side effect of stopping the dog from begging at the table. 

My jokes this week feature cooking and food.  I hope you find them digestible.

 

I didn’t feel like cooking last night, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess it wasn’t bread so much as just grain.
Fermented grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.

With some bitters and some simple syrup

And some fruit: a cherry and orange garnish

It was an Old-Fashioned dinner

 

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food I'm preparing.

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

Some jerk calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was crap so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

 

Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas.

 

I just learned that the average adult has nine drinks per week.  So, I am above average in something!

 

Alcohol allows you to run from your problems without the need for sweaty actual movement

 

A man yelled at his girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

 

A golfer asked the little lady working the beverage cart at the local golf course if she could go back to the previous green to see if he had left his sandwich there. She spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, before a golfer coming up asked her if someone had lost a sand wedge. 

 

Waffles are just considerate pancakes.  ‘Let me hold that syrup for you in these nice little squares.’

 

Who won the Asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai.

 

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

 

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

 

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

 

A watched pot never boils; an unwatched pot boils over and catches fire in 3 seconds.

 

I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...
What is leftover beer?

 

A man was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage so after work, he decided to ask his friend for help.
He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"
His friend replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her cooking once in a while."
Satisfied with the advice, the man went back home to dinner. As he's having dinner he says "Darling, the food is very good today."
To his surprise, his wife became upset. “We’ve been married to each other ten years and you've never appreciated my cooking, but the one day I get take-out food you like it."

 

A set of newlyweds were getting to know one another.  The wife was a great cook, but her husband noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she put them in the skillet, she cut off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.
After having witnessed this a couple of times, he asked her why she did this.
"Oh, that's the way my mom taught me how to prepare sausages, she always made them like this for my father and myself"
Shortly after this they went over to her parents for a visit, and she brought up the question. " Mom, why do you cut off an inch on both sides of the sausages before baking them"
"That's the way my mother, your grandmother, taught me how to prepare them, I've never asked why."
As end of the year approached, they had a big family gathering and the wife's grandmother attended, and towards the end of the evening the couple sat down next to her. 

 "Granny, we were wondering, I've been cutting of an inch of both end of sausages, because that's how mom taught me, and she said she learned it from you, why is that?"
The old woman stared to the ceiling for a bit and then said agitated "Don't tell me you're still using that undersized skillet??"

 

And finally something different

 

One night, a husband murmured in his sleep, "Oh, Emily, you're the one that got away."

The wife, wide awake beside him, bolted up and exclaimed, "Emily? Who is Emily?"
The husband, still in the depths of slumber, muttered, "Emily, your laughter is the melody of my heart."
The wife, now fully awake and boiling with anger, shook him vigorously and demanded, "I demand to know who this Emily is!"
The husband, startled awake, looked at his wife with a mix of confusion and panic and then said, "Honey, it was just a dream. You know I can't even remember where I put my own socks, let alone some Emily Bristlewright from Cattle Street in Manchester, who works as a part-time hygenist!"