STEM JOW #1272

 I make jokes about a lot of things, some of which are normally not considered amusing.  Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math for example, is thought to be stuffy and often self-important.  Not always true.  There is also humor which relies on shared knowledge such as the fact that to mathmaticians, the expression (!) means a factorial.   Note to the mathematicians among you, if you really want a good laugh watch Tom trying to factor a quadradic equation.  So most of these jokes have a sort of relationship to STEM.

 

What do you call someone who protects a light-dispersing object?
A prism guard.

 

I recently went to a new restaurant called the Manhattan Project.  It’s a fusion restaurant.

 

What do you call someone who investigates molten rocks?
Magma, PI.

 

What do you call the study of humor?
Mirth science.

 

Did you hear about the insecure physicist?
She was fission for compliments.

 

What do you get when you cross a set of writing rules with a form of electromagnetic radiation?
Grammar rays.

 

I read about the invention of the lightbulb in the New England Journal of Edison.

Protons, electrons and neutrons have mass appeal.

 

I got pain relief from skiing in Aspirin, Colorado.

My drugstore doubles as a restaurant. Try the veal pharm!

Some semi-scientific riddles

·         You know what traveling physicists say: “When in Ohm …”

·         What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into the other? Sorry! My fault.

·         What did the biologist wear to impress his date? Designer genes.

·         What did the stamen say to the pistil? I like your style!

·         What type of fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na.

·         What do you call an accountant for the biology department? A buy-ologist.

·         Why are chemists excellent for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

·         Did you hear about the two blood cells that met and fell in love? Alas, it was all in vein.

·         Why are chemists excellent at solving problems? They have all the solutions.

·         Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide

·         Why did the oceanographer fail biology?  His grades were below C-level

 

What is written on a very successful hacker’s tombstone?

           “R”
(His IP is well hidden.)

 

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

 

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 10%.

 

My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

 

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

 

Koala fingerprints are so similar to human ones that even crime scene investigators have been confused by them.  Which raises the question, what kind of crime scene has both?

 

The guy who invented the clock: There are 12 numbers on it.

Friend: So the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: No, 24

Friend: So, the day will start at 1?

Inventor: No, the day will start at 12.  Which is night.  And the 6 means 30.

 

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "What’s 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "That's not even close"
me: "Yeah, but it was fast"

 

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

 

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist. “That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

 

A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

 

Did you know they just located the gene for shyness?
They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes

 

If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

 

When all you want to do is gain potential energy...
People just keep letting you down.

 

A group of protesters out front of a physics lab:
“What do we want? –

Time travel –

When do we want it? –

Irrelevant.”

 

A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.

 

My friend was bragging about his new 3D printer that can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed; I’ve had a Canon printer for years!

Some less science-like jokes

Q: What do you call a bear with no ears

A. B.

 

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

 

I've written the funniest joke about Nuclear Fusion.

I'll post it in 20 years.

 

I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.
It's a bark ode.

 

I've written a lot of jokes in my time, but I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

And at last

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"
"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."
"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.
"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"
"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.
"That would be best," said the teacher.
"One-second," said the boy.
"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.