Booking It JOW #1317

My latest book, Jac and the Princess, is in to the publishers for final editing.  I hope to have it out by June.  I have always been a bit scripturient.  Even as a kid I wanted to write books, but without modern tools such as Word and spell checker I struggled to get my stories in print.  Here are some jokes, especially for my fellow bibliophiles.  

 

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

 

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It's about time.

 

How Does a Book About Tree Lovers Start?

With a Pro-Log.

 

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?
Because it was overbooked

 

Why are libraries the tallest buildings?
Because they have so many stories

 

I was reading a book when my wife asked, "Why is that book so thick?"

Then I told her “It’s a long story"

 

What do you call a book that’s about anti-gravity?
An uplifting read

 

How do books stay warm in the winter?
They put on their covers

 

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

 

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

 

I’m writing a new book.  It’s called “How to be concise and get straight the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations”

 

Or as my old dad used to say to me, ‘never use a big word when a diminutive will suffice.’

 

Some thoughts on writing a book:

 

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

 

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs

It’s a step-by-step guide

 

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, It’s really hard, and I got a lot to do...

 

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't read it.

 

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

 

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the number of men in our armed forces.
So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

 

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

 

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography.

 

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

 

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Hemmingway

'Of course,' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'
'Earnest, of course' replies the man.

 

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

 

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

 

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she had ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another identical copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

 

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."

 

And finally, a different type of joke

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and paper, so he continued to hone his craft even in death.
The calligrapher would rotate his time between practicing his calligraphy and exploring what more Heaven had to offer. At some point, however, he noticed something: no matter where he went, no matter what activity he engaged in, he saw no angels fluttering about. It was strange, he thought, that everything else he was told about Heaven ended up being true, but angels were such a strong point of emphasis in the scripture! He asked around, and no other resident had seen any angels either.
He continued about his days as normal, but he couldn't help but be bothered by this small detail. How could every other aspect of Heaven be real, but not the entities that were supposed to chaperone it? As he pondered, he suddenly heard a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" he asked,
"It is I, God!" said He on the other side.
The calligrapher hurriedly opened the door. "Oh my... You! I'm so sorry! I didn't know."
"It is all right, my son," God said. "I am only here to check on you. I like to meet with all of our new residents after they've settled in!"
"It's An honor, truly!" said the calligrapher. "I'm a huge fan of Your work."
God gave a hearty laugh. "And I, yours! I'm always impressed by the craftsmanship of all My children. You know, they say that when an artist gets entrenched in their craft, it is as though they are experiencing a slice of Heaven in that moment."
The man thought for a second. "You know, I'd be inclined to agree!"
"Doesn't Heaven remind you of the most beautiful scripts you can imagine?"
The man hesitated to respond. "I'm not sure about that..."
God looked surprised. "What is wrong, my child?" He asked.
The calligrapher sighed. "Well, Heaven is great and all, but it's sans seraph."