It is that wonderful time of year for sports: baseball has the World Series, football is well into its season, and basketball is involved in a contentious labor dispute, (although I do not understand how they can call it ‘labor’). It just goes to show you that no matter how much money is involved it is never enough for some people.
Here are some sports-related jokes for your amusement:
Some pity quotes I found on a wide variety of sports:
You can sum up this sport in two words: 'You never know.'
~ Lou Duva
Cricket is baseball on valium.
~ Robin Williams
We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play!
~ Pat Williams
When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had just one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
~ George Raveling
And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.
~ Garry Lyon
Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.
~ Yogi Berra
He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is - nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.
~ Eddie Shaw,
He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it - you can see it all over their faces.
~ Ron Atkinson
Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match.
~ Ian Wright
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams
Men know, deep in their souls, that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without even considering if there were men on base.
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
*******************
Casey Stengel was the master of great baseball quotes:
• Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
• If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.
• The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
………………………………………………………….
One evening an old baseball catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. The catcher dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.
=================================
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."
"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++
The other day was Take Your Daughter to Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, and played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
------------------------------------
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.
Finally, one of my favorite jokes – it is better told than read but is still pretty funny
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, she can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks her, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious; he kicks the man and his dog out of the place.
As soon as they're on the street, the dog looks up at the man and plaintively asks him, "Was it DiMaggio?"
Tom
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Estes Park Adventure
I really hate south Texas summers. The heat and humidity are not epic, merely very uncomfortable. The high humidity prevents your body’s natural cooling system from working very well; in addition to overheating you find yourself disgustingly dripping wet. Lots of places suffer from such conditions; however the summer in Houston, like winter in Michigan, goes on and on. So by August we began to seriously consider visiting Ruth’s brother Fred who lives in Estes Park, Colorado. Ruth was not thrilled with the idea of a two day road trip. That was when our youngest, Ivan, suggested checking airfares. In a few minutes he was able to find a round trip flight from Houston to Denver for just about what it would cost to drive there. The deal was so good that not only did we decide to go, Ruth’s sister Sandra agreed to come.
That was why we were able to flee the oppressive heat and humidity the last week of September for the cool and colorful climes of Colorado. Fred and Pam graciously made the hour-long drive to Denver and carried us up to the cool of the Rocky Mountains. We kept rolling down the windows at every stop to suck in that cool, fresh mountain air. It was exhilarating, or perhaps we were just in the first stages of oxygen starvation. We were all used to breathing good oxygen-rich sea level air - Fred and Pam’s house is at 8,000 feet. That means that the air is not only is it cooler, it is more transparent. Their house faces back east toward the east range including Mt. Lily, Twin Sisters Peaks, and most of all Long’s Peak, a huge “fourteen’er” as the locals refer to mountains over fourteen thousand feet. They all look close enough to touch. We took advantage of the evening to sit on the back deck, enjoying that mountain air and listening to the distant bugling of bull elk. I do not know why people refer to the mating call of elk as ‘bugling’; it is a shriller whistling sound. I must say that although it is a penetrating noise that carries a long way; it seems like a very odd call for such a huge animal. I would have expected a more imposing bellow. We sat chatting companionably as the sun sank behind Prospect Peak which rises immediately behind the house. This was more like it.
The Grube house tended to believe in the old adage ‘early to bed’; aided by the thin mountain air and the exertions of our journey we soon emulated them. It would be tempting to claim that we all slept soundly. In truth I awoke several times in the night panting. Once I got my oxygen levels back to normal I was able to quickly drift off again.
Since I was one of the first ones up in the morning I took it upon myself to make breakfast for the six people in the house. My mother-in-law Helen laid in copious amounts of sausage, bacon, and eggs. Well fed, we decided to make the three mile drive into town and do some shopping. We wandered around the charming shops and eating establishments of Estes Park for a few hours; Fred and I tended to spend our time in outdoor shops, specifically those dealing in fly fishing. Fred is an avid fly fisherman and knows a great deal about the sport, local spots, and the fly fishing community in the area. The women seemed to prefer shops that featured clothing and curios - there is just no accounting for taste. Once thing we did agree upon was having a leisurely cup of coffee at a local Starbucks where we were able to enjoy chatting with some of Pam and Fred’s many acquaintances. The year-round population of Estes Park is rather small and after ten years of residency, Pam and Fred are pretty well known around town. We were glad to have a chance to have dinner with some of their local friends.
That afternoon I took a walk in the subdivision. The terrain is dry and hilly and, with lots averaging about an acre, it is far from a typical crowded subdivision. I was surprised to find a mule deer wandering around grazing unconcernedly not 10 feet from the street. My presence was obviously no problem for her. I soon found that wildlife moved easily through this residential area. About 4 PM we decided that it was 5 o’clock and Houston and moved out onto the deck. Shortly thereafter were astonished to see a large bobcat wander down past the blue house next door to Fred’s not one hundred feet from people sitting on the deck. A few hours later that evening we watched a herd of mule deer (eight qualifies as a herd in my book) browsing on the downhill side of Fred’s home. They did not mind us up on the porch watching them either.
Sunday began with omelets for breakfast. The day was cool and bright so we decided to go over to Lilly Lake and take some exercise there; even Helen accompanied us. Sandra and I took a brisk walk on a trail that included some ‘puffingly’ hard sections that went above the lake.
That evening Pam and Fred took us into Rocky Mountain National Park located about a mile from the house. We waited until late Sunday until many of the weekend day trippers had cleared out of the park. Fred knew that it was best to go later to observe some of the wildlife which was typically more active in the evening and of course the scenery which is spectacular whenever it is light.
We had a chance to see deer, elk, and even a cheeky yellow coyote that nonchalantly crossed the road, stopping traffic and then began hunting mice in the grass not 50 feet from the verge. Pam drove us to Moraine Park where we watched a couple of harems of elk from a prudent distance. The bulls were working hard to keep their ladies all together while the girls tended to drift off in search of ‘greener pastures’ which sometimes included that ‘really cute new bull’ just down the field. All this kept the bulls cutting back and forth like a quarter horse, herding the cows together. Fred told us that bulls might lose a third of their body weight during the rut. Once it is over, old bulls will congregate again with one another like old veterans, the recent wars between them forgotten until the cows come into season again.
Monday called for a visit to the famous Stanley Hotel, forever famous for acting as the backdrop for the movie ‘The Shining’. ‘The girls’ all had their fortunes told by the resident psychic; their appointments were 30 minutes apart which gave the rest of us time to lounge about drinking coffee or sipping tea, depending on gender.
The next day I undertook the first of my little climbing hikes -up Lilly Mountain. I had climbed this small, 9786 feet, mountain the previous year and had delighted in the trail. It was only about two miles long with only a thousand feet of climbing so it required no special effort. I started up the trail about 9 AM and was able to finish the final stretch by 11. The last bit was rather steep and rocky but finishing the last hundred feet of altitude was more like clambering up rocks rather than climbing. I sat up on the barren rocks atop the mountain and enjoyed the sandwich Ruth had packed for me. To say the least it was a wonderful view. I sent photos from my phone to several people including Ruth. She sent me back one herself, showing the gang seated and enjoying a beverage at Starbucks!
The next day we visited Bear Lake near the geographic center of the park. After a fascinating drive in with Fred telling ‘park stories’ Sandra, Ruth, and I took the relatively short hike up to Nymph Lake, (named for the insect, not the mythical maidens.) The lake was, as expected lovely, and the walk to and from sublime.
The next stop was a short walk to Sprague Lake. A passing visitor snapped a photo of all of us by the lake. The photos may give the impression that is little lake is pristine and beautiful. Yep, it is.
Evenings were spent relaxing on the back deck, sipping fine cocktails, enjoying the fresh mountain air, listening to stories, observing the local wildlife, and watching the shadows grow long on the mountain slopes. That evening I stayed up to watch the last games of the baseball season as there were no fewer than four final games that would determine which teams made the playoffs. Normally baseball is not as entertaining to watch as other more active sports; it does, however have drama and terrific stories. This particular night of baseball was as entertaining as any I have ever seen. The other sleeping members of the household reported hearing me exclaim in amazement several times as two of the three critical games went to extra innings and the third (rain delayed one) was not decided until the final at bat. Baseball is a game about failure (one, two, three strikes you’re out… Casey at bat, etc.) and this night demonstrated that, as Atlanta and Boston both completed epic collapses with failures in the last game that mirrored the final month of their seasons. By the time Tampa Bay won on a walk-off homerun in the bottom the eleventh inning I was astonished and delighted. Okay, I was in an idyllic setting on a vacation and I still remember watching baseball on TV. But the games were that good.
The next morning was my big event – I had hoped to go up Twin Sisters Peak for almost a year. Although it was not exactly Mt. Everest, or even Long’s Peak, it did involve walking over seven miles with a climb of over 2400 feet up to 11,428 feet. This was difficult but achievable for an older flat-lander like me. I figured three to four hours to climb up and two to three to walk down. I was the first and thus only car parked at the trailhead that morning. It was cool with clouds blowing in from time to time. It took me almost twenty minutes to get lost, well, to realize I was lost. Fortunately I was in more or less open forest and movement was relatively easy; it was also easy to notice the broad trail that I should be on about 30 feet below me. That bit of minor drama over, I began my steady upward hike. A cloud moved over the mountain, chilling me. I put on my rain jacket and kept on through a misty dreamscape. Soon enough the cloud moved past and I was able to doff my coat and continue moving up. I began to hear noises on the trail below me; I was being overtaken by other hikers. As the man and woman come up we began to walk together companionably. I took the occasion to introduce myself. For some reason I went all formal, something I almost never do.
“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Captain Thomas Pinney, United States Navy, retired.”
Without missing a beat the woman shook my hand and introduced herself as a Colonel in the United States Air Force, also retired. Cool! Adding to the coincidence they were both from Texas. I was more or less able to keep up with them all the way to the tree line. They were of great help to me as they showed the trail through the rock field up to the very summit. Was I glad to be up there? Yes indeed. The views were definitely worth the effort of the climb. To the south was Long’s Peak, to the west Lilly Mountain in the foreground with the Continental Divide on the horizon. To the east you could see the far distant plains and almost discern the curvature of the earth. North, Estes Park was visible. With the clear air it almost seemed possible to touch them all. Another younger couple joined us on the peak. As I ate my sandwich under impossibly blue skies chipmunks came out of the rocks to beg for crusts. Clearly they had enjoyed the largess of other climbers.
The young couple headed down first – they had left their children at school in Ft. Collins and had to get down to pick them up before school was out. Typically the walk down seems slower and somehow more difficult than the climb up. This time, however, the views were so spectacular that It seemed like much less than the two hours it actually took. Of course, it was easier going downhill, too.
On our last day in Estes Park we prevailed upon Fred and Pam to take us deep into the park, all the way to the Alpine Visitor Center located at 11,796 feet. We took time to stop along the road to admire the scenery. The Center was in its final few weeks as it will soon, like the Trail Ridge Road itself, be closed for the winter. We are talking about serious quantities of snow up here; the roof of the Center is reinforced with huge beams to support the weight of many feet of snow. We looked down below us into the valley below and were able to see two small clumps of elk still grazing at high altitude; we even caught sight of a big moose down there. The ride down was even more beautiful than the way up.
I took advantage of our final day to walk up the mountain behind Fred’s house, Prospect Mountain. At 9800 feet is over two thousand feet higher than any mountain east of the Mississippi but out here it is not considered much more than a platform for antenna. The route to the top was not a trail but a dirt road. There is a tram that runs from near the top back down to Estes Park but it is broken right now. It did not matter; I enjoyed the view from the silent upper station and then continued up the half mile or so to the summit proper. The top of Prospect Mountain does not have the same clean summit as some of the other mountains; it is large and irregular. I suppose this makes it a better site for the numerous cell towers and radio masts that clutter it up. Even so, the views from the top are splendid and of course the walk up was redolent with Aspens doing their golden best to look like an impressionist painting.
We all enjoyed our week in Estes Park. The best and most important part was the chance for us to spend time with Helen, Fred, and Pam. The hiking, shopping, and rides in the park were not nearly as important as the time spent sharing meals, drinks, talking, and just spending time together. It was fortunate that we able to do all that in such a lovely location at just the right time of the year.
That was why we were able to flee the oppressive heat and humidity the last week of September for the cool and colorful climes of Colorado. Fred and Pam graciously made the hour-long drive to Denver and carried us up to the cool of the Rocky Mountains. We kept rolling down the windows at every stop to suck in that cool, fresh mountain air. It was exhilarating, or perhaps we were just in the first stages of oxygen starvation. We were all used to breathing good oxygen-rich sea level air - Fred and Pam’s house is at 8,000 feet. That means that the air is not only is it cooler, it is more transparent. Their house faces back east toward the east range including Mt. Lily, Twin Sisters Peaks, and most of all Long’s Peak, a huge “fourteen’er” as the locals refer to mountains over fourteen thousand feet. They all look close enough to touch. We took advantage of the evening to sit on the back deck, enjoying that mountain air and listening to the distant bugling of bull elk. I do not know why people refer to the mating call of elk as ‘bugling’; it is a shriller whistling sound. I must say that although it is a penetrating noise that carries a long way; it seems like a very odd call for such a huge animal. I would have expected a more imposing bellow. We sat chatting companionably as the sun sank behind Prospect Peak which rises immediately behind the house. This was more like it.
The Grube house tended to believe in the old adage ‘early to bed’; aided by the thin mountain air and the exertions of our journey we soon emulated them. It would be tempting to claim that we all slept soundly. In truth I awoke several times in the night panting. Once I got my oxygen levels back to normal I was able to quickly drift off again.
Since I was one of the first ones up in the morning I took it upon myself to make breakfast for the six people in the house. My mother-in-law Helen laid in copious amounts of sausage, bacon, and eggs. Well fed, we decided to make the three mile drive into town and do some shopping. We wandered around the charming shops and eating establishments of Estes Park for a few hours; Fred and I tended to spend our time in outdoor shops, specifically those dealing in fly fishing. Fred is an avid fly fisherman and knows a great deal about the sport, local spots, and the fly fishing community in the area. The women seemed to prefer shops that featured clothing and curios - there is just no accounting for taste. Once thing we did agree upon was having a leisurely cup of coffee at a local Starbucks where we were able to enjoy chatting with some of Pam and Fred’s many acquaintances. The year-round population of Estes Park is rather small and after ten years of residency, Pam and Fred are pretty well known around town. We were glad to have a chance to have dinner with some of their local friends.
That afternoon I took a walk in the subdivision. The terrain is dry and hilly and, with lots averaging about an acre, it is far from a typical crowded subdivision. I was surprised to find a mule deer wandering around grazing unconcernedly not 10 feet from the street. My presence was obviously no problem for her. I soon found that wildlife moved easily through this residential area. About 4 PM we decided that it was 5 o’clock and Houston and moved out onto the deck. Shortly thereafter were astonished to see a large bobcat wander down past the blue house next door to Fred’s not one hundred feet from people sitting on the deck. A few hours later that evening we watched a herd of mule deer (eight qualifies as a herd in my book) browsing on the downhill side of Fred’s home. They did not mind us up on the porch watching them either.
Sunday began with omelets for breakfast. The day was cool and bright so we decided to go over to Lilly Lake and take some exercise there; even Helen accompanied us. Sandra and I took a brisk walk on a trail that included some ‘puffingly’ hard sections that went above the lake.
That evening Pam and Fred took us into Rocky Mountain National Park located about a mile from the house. We waited until late Sunday until many of the weekend day trippers had cleared out of the park. Fred knew that it was best to go later to observe some of the wildlife which was typically more active in the evening and of course the scenery which is spectacular whenever it is light.
We had a chance to see deer, elk, and even a cheeky yellow coyote that nonchalantly crossed the road, stopping traffic and then began hunting mice in the grass not 50 feet from the verge. Pam drove us to Moraine Park where we watched a couple of harems of elk from a prudent distance. The bulls were working hard to keep their ladies all together while the girls tended to drift off in search of ‘greener pastures’ which sometimes included that ‘really cute new bull’ just down the field. All this kept the bulls cutting back and forth like a quarter horse, herding the cows together. Fred told us that bulls might lose a third of their body weight during the rut. Once it is over, old bulls will congregate again with one another like old veterans, the recent wars between them forgotten until the cows come into season again.
Monday called for a visit to the famous Stanley Hotel, forever famous for acting as the backdrop for the movie ‘The Shining’. ‘The girls’ all had their fortunes told by the resident psychic; their appointments were 30 minutes apart which gave the rest of us time to lounge about drinking coffee or sipping tea, depending on gender.
The next day I undertook the first of my little climbing hikes -up Lilly Mountain. I had climbed this small, 9786 feet, mountain the previous year and had delighted in the trail. It was only about two miles long with only a thousand feet of climbing so it required no special effort. I started up the trail about 9 AM and was able to finish the final stretch by 11. The last bit was rather steep and rocky but finishing the last hundred feet of altitude was more like clambering up rocks rather than climbing. I sat up on the barren rocks atop the mountain and enjoyed the sandwich Ruth had packed for me. To say the least it was a wonderful view. I sent photos from my phone to several people including Ruth. She sent me back one herself, showing the gang seated and enjoying a beverage at Starbucks!
The next day we visited Bear Lake near the geographic center of the park. After a fascinating drive in with Fred telling ‘park stories’ Sandra, Ruth, and I took the relatively short hike up to Nymph Lake, (named for the insect, not the mythical maidens.) The lake was, as expected lovely, and the walk to and from sublime.
The next stop was a short walk to Sprague Lake. A passing visitor snapped a photo of all of us by the lake. The photos may give the impression that is little lake is pristine and beautiful. Yep, it is.
Evenings were spent relaxing on the back deck, sipping fine cocktails, enjoying the fresh mountain air, listening to stories, observing the local wildlife, and watching the shadows grow long on the mountain slopes. That evening I stayed up to watch the last games of the baseball season as there were no fewer than four final games that would determine which teams made the playoffs. Normally baseball is not as entertaining to watch as other more active sports; it does, however have drama and terrific stories. This particular night of baseball was as entertaining as any I have ever seen. The other sleeping members of the household reported hearing me exclaim in amazement several times as two of the three critical games went to extra innings and the third (rain delayed one) was not decided until the final at bat. Baseball is a game about failure (one, two, three strikes you’re out… Casey at bat, etc.) and this night demonstrated that, as Atlanta and Boston both completed epic collapses with failures in the last game that mirrored the final month of their seasons. By the time Tampa Bay won on a walk-off homerun in the bottom the eleventh inning I was astonished and delighted. Okay, I was in an idyllic setting on a vacation and I still remember watching baseball on TV. But the games were that good.
The next morning was my big event – I had hoped to go up Twin Sisters Peak for almost a year. Although it was not exactly Mt. Everest, or even Long’s Peak, it did involve walking over seven miles with a climb of over 2400 feet up to 11,428 feet. This was difficult but achievable for an older flat-lander like me. I figured three to four hours to climb up and two to three to walk down. I was the first and thus only car parked at the trailhead that morning. It was cool with clouds blowing in from time to time. It took me almost twenty minutes to get lost, well, to realize I was lost. Fortunately I was in more or less open forest and movement was relatively easy; it was also easy to notice the broad trail that I should be on about 30 feet below me. That bit of minor drama over, I began my steady upward hike. A cloud moved over the mountain, chilling me. I put on my rain jacket and kept on through a misty dreamscape. Soon enough the cloud moved past and I was able to doff my coat and continue moving up. I began to hear noises on the trail below me; I was being overtaken by other hikers. As the man and woman come up we began to walk together companionably. I took the occasion to introduce myself. For some reason I went all formal, something I almost never do.
“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Captain Thomas Pinney, United States Navy, retired.”
Without missing a beat the woman shook my hand and introduced herself as a Colonel in the United States Air Force, also retired. Cool! Adding to the coincidence they were both from Texas. I was more or less able to keep up with them all the way to the tree line. They were of great help to me as they showed the trail through the rock field up to the very summit. Was I glad to be up there? Yes indeed. The views were definitely worth the effort of the climb. To the south was Long’s Peak, to the west Lilly Mountain in the foreground with the Continental Divide on the horizon. To the east you could see the far distant plains and almost discern the curvature of the earth. North, Estes Park was visible. With the clear air it almost seemed possible to touch them all. Another younger couple joined us on the peak. As I ate my sandwich under impossibly blue skies chipmunks came out of the rocks to beg for crusts. Clearly they had enjoyed the largess of other climbers.
The young couple headed down first – they had left their children at school in Ft. Collins and had to get down to pick them up before school was out. Typically the walk down seems slower and somehow more difficult than the climb up. This time, however, the views were so spectacular that It seemed like much less than the two hours it actually took. Of course, it was easier going downhill, too.
On our last day in Estes Park we prevailed upon Fred and Pam to take us deep into the park, all the way to the Alpine Visitor Center located at 11,796 feet. We took time to stop along the road to admire the scenery. The Center was in its final few weeks as it will soon, like the Trail Ridge Road itself, be closed for the winter. We are talking about serious quantities of snow up here; the roof of the Center is reinforced with huge beams to support the weight of many feet of snow. We looked down below us into the valley below and were able to see two small clumps of elk still grazing at high altitude; we even caught sight of a big moose down there. The ride down was even more beautiful than the way up.
I took advantage of our final day to walk up the mountain behind Fred’s house, Prospect Mountain. At 9800 feet is over two thousand feet higher than any mountain east of the Mississippi but out here it is not considered much more than a platform for antenna. The route to the top was not a trail but a dirt road. There is a tram that runs from near the top back down to Estes Park but it is broken right now. It did not matter; I enjoyed the view from the silent upper station and then continued up the half mile or so to the summit proper. The top of Prospect Mountain does not have the same clean summit as some of the other mountains; it is large and irregular. I suppose this makes it a better site for the numerous cell towers and radio masts that clutter it up. Even so, the views from the top are splendid and of course the walk up was redolent with Aspens doing their golden best to look like an impressionist painting.
We all enjoyed our week in Estes Park. The best and most important part was the chance for us to spend time with Helen, Fred, and Pam. The hiking, shopping, and rides in the park were not nearly as important as the time spent sharing meals, drinks, talking, and just spending time together. It was fortunate that we able to do all that in such a lovely location at just the right time of the year.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Really Old JOW
I have been working weekends at the Texas Renaissance Fair. This got me thinking about the age old concept of laughter. Although humans have certainly had a sense of humor the things that make us laugh are not always funny to us today. Researching for ancient jokes I found most of them unamusing; some were completely incomprehensible. There are a number of topics which seem to have been thought of as funny throughout the ages. Much as it pains us politically correct westerners, we have always laughed at other people's infirmities or idiosyncrasies. The blind, hunchbacks, dwarfs and retarded have been butts for our jokes. Schadenfreude, the pleasure of delighting in somebody else's misfortune, may not be quite as cruel as it used to be, but we still laugh at somebody slipping on the proverbial banana skin. Bodily functions too have tickled our funny bone. The world's oldest joke at least according to the University of Wolverhampton dates to before 1600 BCE; it is a rather unfunny reference to flatulence. Apparently toilet humor is even older than toilets. Not quite as down to earth has been satire, the art of poking fun at the powers that be; and rarest of all has always been the gentle flower of self-mockery.
------------------------------
I found an ancient version of Monty Python's ‘dead parrot’ sketch which has a man buy a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "Well he didn't die when I owned him."
+++++++++++++++
There is a very old joke about a man, just back from a trip abroad, who went to a fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father."
When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years.
Thinking fast the fortune teller replied "You have no clue who your real father is."
--------------------------
The Greeks seemed to have something of a modern sense of humor; they certainly enjoyed puns.
For example in the Odyssey, Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is ‘nobody’. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops calls out to his allies: "Help, nobody is attacking me!"
So no one comes to help him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The oldest known joke book, written in Greek, by Philogelos, or The Laughter Lover, dates to the third or fourth century AD, and contains some 260 jokes. Some are almost repeated almost identically as if the author was giving you a nudge and saying “Get it? Get it?” There are some jokes that concern eunuchs, slaves, and such that are lost on a modern audience. Overly intellectual men who have no common sense are a common theme that resonates today. Some of these ancient jokes could work on the current TV show, “Big Bang Theory.”
………………………….
When an intellectual was told, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance to wait for it.
Another intellectual asked what he was doing.
When told he said: "I'm not surprised that people say we intellectuals lack common sense. How do you know that it's not coming in by the other gate?"
………………….
An intellectual was on a sea voyage when a big storm blew up, causing his slaves who were with him to weep in terror.
‘Don’t cry,’ he consoled them, ‘If the boat sinks have freed you all in my will.’
***********************
Sometimes royalty was credited with humor:
A Greek king was asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut; the king replied: "In silence."
Even the first Roman emperor had a sense of humor.
The Emperor Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.
Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?"
"No your Highness," the man boldly replied, "but my father was." (Credited to Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)
_______________________
The oldest British joke, that I could find (it is actually a riddle) dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons –
"What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?”
Answer: “A key."
=================================
Various jokes written by Leonardo da Vinci in his notebooks have survived to us, such as the following:
It was asked of a painter why he could paint beautiful figures, which were but dead things, while his children who were alive were all so ugly; to which the painter replied that he made his pictures by day and his children by night.
Tom
------------------------------
I found an ancient version of Monty Python's ‘dead parrot’ sketch which has a man buy a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "Well he didn't die when I owned him."
+++++++++++++++
There is a very old joke about a man, just back from a trip abroad, who went to a fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father."
When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years.
Thinking fast the fortune teller replied "You have no clue who your real father is."
--------------------------
The Greeks seemed to have something of a modern sense of humor; they certainly enjoyed puns.
For example in the Odyssey, Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is ‘nobody’. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops calls out to his allies: "Help, nobody is attacking me!"
So no one comes to help him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The oldest known joke book, written in Greek, by Philogelos, or The Laughter Lover, dates to the third or fourth century AD, and contains some 260 jokes. Some are almost repeated almost identically as if the author was giving you a nudge and saying “Get it? Get it?” There are some jokes that concern eunuchs, slaves, and such that are lost on a modern audience. Overly intellectual men who have no common sense are a common theme that resonates today. Some of these ancient jokes could work on the current TV show, “Big Bang Theory.”
………………………….
When an intellectual was told, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance to wait for it.
Another intellectual asked what he was doing.
When told he said: "I'm not surprised that people say we intellectuals lack common sense. How do you know that it's not coming in by the other gate?"
………………….
An intellectual was on a sea voyage when a big storm blew up, causing his slaves who were with him to weep in terror.
‘Don’t cry,’ he consoled them, ‘If the boat sinks have freed you all in my will.’
***********************
Sometimes royalty was credited with humor:
A Greek king was asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut; the king replied: "In silence."
Even the first Roman emperor had a sense of humor.
The Emperor Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.
Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?"
"No your Highness," the man boldly replied, "but my father was." (Credited to Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)
_______________________
The oldest British joke, that I could find (it is actually a riddle) dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons –
"What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?”
Answer: “A key."
=================================
Various jokes written by Leonardo da Vinci in his notebooks have survived to us, such as the following:
It was asked of a painter why he could paint beautiful figures, which were but dead things, while his children who were alive were all so ugly; to which the painter replied that he made his pictures by day and his children by night.
Tom
Monday, October 3, 2011
Donated JOW
One of the advantages of sending out a Joke of the Week is that I get jokes back. I suppose we all get a fair amount of humor sent to us through the email system; still, I like the jokes people send me. It is very interesting how many versions of the same basic joke make the rounds; and sometimes I get a joke I have not heard before. So please continue to send me your offerings. I have picked a few of the latest for your amusement.
Charlie sent me several offerings for the JOW. Here are two of them:
A three year old observed her pregnant mom getting in the shower.
“Mommy, you’re getting fat,” she announced.
“Yes, honey, remember mommy has a baby growing in her belly,” explained the mother patiently.
“I know,” her daughter replied, “but what is growing in your behind?
-------------------------
A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. She stood right next to her dad eating a snack cake while he had his hair cut.
The barber said to her, “Little girl, you’re gonna get some hair on your Twinkie.”
“Yes, I know, and mom says I am going to get boobs, too.”
Richard and I debated the merits of this Aggie joke. My people thought it was funny.
Two Texas A&M Aggies wearing their rings and typical Aggie gear stopped off at the bait shop to get some worms on their way to go bass fishing at Toledo Bend.
"How much for a can of worms", asked the young Aggie.
An Aggie himself, the proprietor said, "For you boys, take all you need for a dollar!"
Well, in that case," said the Aggie, "we'll take two dollars worth."
Mike sent me this one -
I was at a wedding reception recently and someone yelled ...
"Will all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
This one was from Dan
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: “Milton,
The house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole House. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin,
I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good, though. Thanks."
"Michael,
You gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin,
You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love,
Mama
Charlie sent me several offerings for the JOW. Here are two of them:
A three year old observed her pregnant mom getting in the shower.
“Mommy, you’re getting fat,” she announced.
“Yes, honey, remember mommy has a baby growing in her belly,” explained the mother patiently.
“I know,” her daughter replied, “but what is growing in your behind?
-------------------------
A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. She stood right next to her dad eating a snack cake while he had his hair cut.
The barber said to her, “Little girl, you’re gonna get some hair on your Twinkie.”
“Yes, I know, and mom says I am going to get boobs, too.”
Richard and I debated the merits of this Aggie joke. My people thought it was funny.
Two Texas A&M Aggies wearing their rings and typical Aggie gear stopped off at the bait shop to get some worms on their way to go bass fishing at Toledo Bend.
"How much for a can of worms", asked the young Aggie.
An Aggie himself, the proprietor said, "For you boys, take all you need for a dollar!"
Well, in that case," said the Aggie, "we'll take two dollars worth."
Mike sent me this one -
I was at a wedding reception recently and someone yelled ...
"Will all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
This one was from Dan
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: “Milton,
The house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole House. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin,
I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good, though. Thanks."
"Michael,
You gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin,
You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love,
Mama
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
High Altitude JOW
I am spending some time in the mountains of Colorado this week, so my Joke of the Week has fewer sweat stains on it. I am in Estes Park, about a mile from the entrance to Rocky Mountain National Park, up around 8,000 feet; I am learning to appreciate the simple things – like breathing. Colorado is an unusual state. They think that ‘high humidity’ is anything over 25%.
My JOW this week deals in high altitude and wilderness humor followed by some new versions of that high altitude aesthetic, the Dalai Lama.
Famous last words in mountain climbing
• I'm sure this way is the right way
• I'm okay-It's just a little headache
• No reason to belay up with the ropes. I know where every crevasse is
• I am sure the rope reaches all the way to the bottom
• Lets go for the top, we'll get back before it gets dark.
============================================
A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.
……………………………………
In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said," her phone battery died."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, while the Dalai Lama is one of the greatest in the line of Tibetan Dalai Lamas, there is a whole other school of lesser, and perhaps slightly less illuminating, lamas little known to the West. This list comes from a contest sponsored by the web magazine Hundred Mountain: a Journal of the Spirit and the Arts at www.hundredmountain.com
(Buddy) Holly LAMAS: This little known offshoot of the Dalai Lama is a small band --- literally --- of wandering musician/monks who practice the Lama Rama Dhamma. The group is easily recognized by their horned-rimmed glasses, penny loafers and giant orange hats. They spread the dharma at bars and small concerts of fellow seekers. With electrified thumb cymbals they blend rock and roll with traditional Tibetan music to sold-out crowds. Their current world tour features their new hit single, "Peggy Sutra."
DILLY DALY LAMA: This Australian master is the 12th reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of Procrastination. He lives at an undisclosed location in the Australian Outback. To become a student of his, one must undergo the trial of Beating Around the Bush, wherein the potential disciple wanders throughout the Outback trying to get to The Pointe, the Dilly Dally Lama's temple and home. Few people ever make it to The Pointe, and those who do have missed the point of the teaching which, needless to say, is very indirect and unspecific.
JOLLY LAMA: An attempt to blend Tibetan Buddhism with the Santa Claus tradition so as to appeal to more Westerners. He and his monks were easily recognized by their red robes with white trim.
BALI LAMA: While many great Tibetan teachers settled in India or came West, this one went to the sunny island of Bali, where he could usually be found making sand mandalas under a beach umbrella, sipping iced butter tea.
POLLY LAMA: This colorful Lama hails from the jungles of Central America. He meditates by repeating phrases spoken to him and eschews the saffron robes for brighter colors. He lives an ascetic life, eating little, and showing a decided preference for crackers.
DOLLY LAMA: Seeking enlightenment through country music and meditating on the cosmic significance of water slides in her natural habitat in the Great Smoky Mountains, this robust-breasted soul comfortably seats two.
WALLY LAMA: Lives a monastic lifestyle in community with such like-minded devotees as the Lumpy Lama, the Eddie Lama, the Beav, Ward and June lamas.
RAMEN LAMA: Formerly a Zen monk, this lama can be found at food stalls on train stations in Tokyo, slurping down noodles and giving blessings to passing commuters.
LLAMA LAMA: He set up a site in the Andes and seeks solace via raising pack animals to ease the burdens of the native people. (Peter Arroyo)
THE DALI LAMA: Founded a practice that encourages followers to realize their surreal self. Most noted for his feat of melting clocks while meditating on the nonexistence of time. When practitioners reach enlightenment they instantly sprout a thin, smile-shaped mustache and have a blissful wild-eyed stare. The high teachers of this sect, however, are not what they appear to be.
COLLIE LAMA: Living in the mountains north of Los Angeles, this compassionate canine teaches humans worldwide about unconditional love and kindness. Better known to the western world as Lassie, generations have learned about devotion and loyalty.
THE DELI LAMA: He'll make you one with everything. Famous for saying "Let's do lunch."
Tom
My JOW this week deals in high altitude and wilderness humor followed by some new versions of that high altitude aesthetic, the Dalai Lama.
Famous last words in mountain climbing
• I'm sure this way is the right way
• I'm okay-It's just a little headache
• No reason to belay up with the ropes. I know where every crevasse is
• I am sure the rope reaches all the way to the bottom
• Lets go for the top, we'll get back before it gets dark.
============================================
A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.
……………………………………
In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said," her phone battery died."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, while the Dalai Lama is one of the greatest in the line of Tibetan Dalai Lamas, there is a whole other school of lesser, and perhaps slightly less illuminating, lamas little known to the West. This list comes from a contest sponsored by the web magazine Hundred Mountain: a Journal of the Spirit and the Arts at www.hundredmountain.com
(Buddy) Holly LAMAS: This little known offshoot of the Dalai Lama is a small band --- literally --- of wandering musician/monks who practice the Lama Rama Dhamma. The group is easily recognized by their horned-rimmed glasses, penny loafers and giant orange hats. They spread the dharma at bars and small concerts of fellow seekers. With electrified thumb cymbals they blend rock and roll with traditional Tibetan music to sold-out crowds. Their current world tour features their new hit single, "Peggy Sutra."
DILLY DALY LAMA: This Australian master is the 12th reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of Procrastination. He lives at an undisclosed location in the Australian Outback. To become a student of his, one must undergo the trial of Beating Around the Bush, wherein the potential disciple wanders throughout the Outback trying to get to The Pointe, the Dilly Dally Lama's temple and home. Few people ever make it to The Pointe, and those who do have missed the point of the teaching which, needless to say, is very indirect and unspecific.
JOLLY LAMA: An attempt to blend Tibetan Buddhism with the Santa Claus tradition so as to appeal to more Westerners. He and his monks were easily recognized by their red robes with white trim.
BALI LAMA: While many great Tibetan teachers settled in India or came West, this one went to the sunny island of Bali, where he could usually be found making sand mandalas under a beach umbrella, sipping iced butter tea.
POLLY LAMA: This colorful Lama hails from the jungles of Central America. He meditates by repeating phrases spoken to him and eschews the saffron robes for brighter colors. He lives an ascetic life, eating little, and showing a decided preference for crackers.
DOLLY LAMA: Seeking enlightenment through country music and meditating on the cosmic significance of water slides in her natural habitat in the Great Smoky Mountains, this robust-breasted soul comfortably seats two.
WALLY LAMA: Lives a monastic lifestyle in community with such like-minded devotees as the Lumpy Lama, the Eddie Lama, the Beav, Ward and June lamas.
RAMEN LAMA: Formerly a Zen monk, this lama can be found at food stalls on train stations in Tokyo, slurping down noodles and giving blessings to passing commuters.
LLAMA LAMA: He set up a site in the Andes and seeks solace via raising pack animals to ease the burdens of the native people. (Peter Arroyo)
THE DALI LAMA: Founded a practice that encourages followers to realize their surreal self. Most noted for his feat of melting clocks while meditating on the nonexistence of time. When practitioners reach enlightenment they instantly sprout a thin, smile-shaped mustache and have a blissful wild-eyed stare. The high teachers of this sect, however, are not what they appear to be.
COLLIE LAMA: Living in the mountains north of Los Angeles, this compassionate canine teaches humans worldwide about unconditional love and kindness. Better known to the western world as Lassie, generations have learned about devotion and loyalty.
THE DELI LAMA: He'll make you one with everything. Famous for saying "Let's do lunch."
Tom
Monday, September 19, 2011
Gone Fishing JOW
I had the great pleasure of going fishing in and around Matagorda Bay in south Texas, one of the great coastal fisheries in the US. We were after Red Fish, Black Drum, Flounder, and Trout. Most of the time we were wading in water one to four feet deep. I really enjoy wade fishing – there is a peaceful timelessness to it, combining the need for concentration and yet allowing you the opportunity to observe the great natural beauty all around you. The Texas coast is a very rich habitat with many birds, marine mammals, and all manner of aquatic life. Of course, there's a fine line between wade fishing and just splashing around looking like an idiot. I'm great at fishing, just not so good at catching. Fortunately I was with three really expert fishermen; I guess their skill is contagious because even I caught some good fish. And when I say good I do not just mean good-sized, I mean tasty.
Going fishing always reminds me of that great bit of wisdom: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day...
So here are some fishing-related jokes for your amusement.
==============================
Two fishermen travel 100 miles to try out a new fishing spot. They buy a variety of bait and lures and rent a boat. After a long day of fishing, the two fishermen return to the dock. The first
fisherman pulls their only catch from the live well, a scrawny fish just legal size. He says, ‘Boy!
This fish cost us about $75.’
The second fisherman says, ‘Well it's a good thing we didn't catch any more or we’d be broke.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A warden walks up to a fly fisherman with a cooler full of Rainbow trout in a catch & release area. The warden says, ”You know…it’s illegal to keep those fish you caught?”
The fisherman answers, “I didn’t catch those, they’re my pet fish, I bring them down here from home once a day so they can swim around and when I whistle they come back and jump in the cooler and I take them back home”.
The warden says,” I don’t believe it”.
So the fisherman dumps the cooler and the fish swim off.
After a few minutes the warden says, “Well...when are you going to whistle to bring the fish back?”
“What fish?”
_____________________
These two guys are ice fishin’; one says: “they ain’t bitin”.
The other one notices a snowmobile and says: “Well, those guys that are trolling don’t look like they’re catchin’ much either.”
+++++++++++++++++++
A more-than-slightly intoxicated fisherman decided to go ice fishing. As he began to cut a hole in the ice, a resonating voice from above came booming down, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The ice fisher was slightly taken aback, but continued trying to cut a hole in the ice.
Again, the voice came booming down, ”There are no fish under the ice!”
The fisherman responded, “God, is that you? Why do you keep telling me there are no fish under the ice?”
The voice boomed back, “Because I am the owner this ice rink, you fool!”
******************
Two blondes were fishing by a stream one day when a game warden suddenly appeared. Upon seeing the ladies he struck up a conversation which eventually led to the question, “Do you gals have fishing licenses?”
“We don’t need fishing licenses,” one of the blondes replied. “We’re using magnets to dredge the bottom for debris.”
Somewhat perplexed, the warden demanded to see those magnets. The blondes complied and reeled in their rigs, and sure enough, magnets were attached to the ends of their lines.
“OK’” grumbled the warden, as he left.
When he was out of sight, one of the blondes giggled, “Stupid warden doesn’t know there’s steelhead in here!”
………………………………………………
One man's passion was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
The man came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.
"What terrible weather today, Honey," he murmured in her ear.
"Yes, she answered, “can you believe my idiot husband went fishing in this?"
-------------------------------------
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
"First I sold him a fish hook. Then I sold him some line. Then I sold him some lures and tackle. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 pickup truck."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Tom
Going fishing always reminds me of that great bit of wisdom: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day...
So here are some fishing-related jokes for your amusement.
==============================
Two fishermen travel 100 miles to try out a new fishing spot. They buy a variety of bait and lures and rent a boat. After a long day of fishing, the two fishermen return to the dock. The first
fisherman pulls their only catch from the live well, a scrawny fish just legal size. He says, ‘Boy!
This fish cost us about $75.’
The second fisherman says, ‘Well it's a good thing we didn't catch any more or we’d be broke.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A warden walks up to a fly fisherman with a cooler full of Rainbow trout in a catch & release area. The warden says, ”You know…it’s illegal to keep those fish you caught?”
The fisherman answers, “I didn’t catch those, they’re my pet fish, I bring them down here from home once a day so they can swim around and when I whistle they come back and jump in the cooler and I take them back home”.
The warden says,” I don’t believe it”.
So the fisherman dumps the cooler and the fish swim off.
After a few minutes the warden says, “Well...when are you going to whistle to bring the fish back?”
“What fish?”
_____________________
These two guys are ice fishin’; one says: “they ain’t bitin”.
The other one notices a snowmobile and says: “Well, those guys that are trolling don’t look like they’re catchin’ much either.”
+++++++++++++++++++
A more-than-slightly intoxicated fisherman decided to go ice fishing. As he began to cut a hole in the ice, a resonating voice from above came booming down, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The ice fisher was slightly taken aback, but continued trying to cut a hole in the ice.
Again, the voice came booming down, ”There are no fish under the ice!”
The fisherman responded, “God, is that you? Why do you keep telling me there are no fish under the ice?”
The voice boomed back, “Because I am the owner this ice rink, you fool!”
******************
Two blondes were fishing by a stream one day when a game warden suddenly appeared. Upon seeing the ladies he struck up a conversation which eventually led to the question, “Do you gals have fishing licenses?”
“We don’t need fishing licenses,” one of the blondes replied. “We’re using magnets to dredge the bottom for debris.”
Somewhat perplexed, the warden demanded to see those magnets. The blondes complied and reeled in their rigs, and sure enough, magnets were attached to the ends of their lines.
“OK’” grumbled the warden, as he left.
When he was out of sight, one of the blondes giggled, “Stupid warden doesn’t know there’s steelhead in here!”
………………………………………………
One man's passion was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
The man came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.
"What terrible weather today, Honey," he murmured in her ear.
"Yes, she answered, “can you believe my idiot husband went fishing in this?"
-------------------------------------
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
"First I sold him a fish hook. Then I sold him some line. Then I sold him some lures and tackle. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 pickup truck."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Tom
Monday, September 12, 2011
Alaskan JOW
You might have noticed that there was no JOW last week. That was because Ruth and I fled the oppressive heat of the greater Houston area and took an Alaskan cruise. For a long wonderful week we rediscovered the pleasures of long sleeves and even jackets. Of course the scenery was spectacular and we were able to have some great adventures.
With Alaska still on my mind I thought that it would make a good topic for my JOW - anything to get my mind off the continuing forecasts for triple digit heat here.
…………………………………
In Alaska when someone refers to "the BIG one" it's important to clarify whether they are talking about a King salmon, Mt. McKinley, or the 1964 earthquake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First Alaskan: Boy, it was too bad to hear about Bob's car accident; he suffered so much brain damage they had to ship him off to the Lower 48.
Second Alaskan: Yes, that's too bad, how long do they figure he'll be in the hospital?
First Alaskan: Hospital? Who said anything about a hospital?
===============================
Lloyd and Bruce fly in to the Alaskan interior to go moose hunting. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of these animals--you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take-off."
"That's baloney", says Bruce.
"Yeah," Lloyd agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts; he wasn't afraid to take off."
"Yeah," said Bruce, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Well, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the top, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but shaken and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said "Where are we?"
Bruce rolled out from being thrown in a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say, about a hundred yards further than last year."
++++++++++++++++++
Two Lower48ers are moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a hard time. Finally a fellow hunter comes along and says "Hey, you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier."
The two hunters say "Hey, good idea!" So they start dragging it the other way.
About two hours later one outsider looks at the other and says "Hey, this was a good idea, it is easier this way."
The other outsider says, "Yeah, but we keep getting further away from the truck."
__________________
George and Frank have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. George has been having no luck at all and Frank has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. George finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" is the reply.
"Geez, Frank, what was that?"
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Frank replies.
"Good grief Frank, still can't understand what you're saying."
Frank spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I said, 'YOU GOTTA KEEP THE WORMS WARM.'"
………………………………………..
Here are a few Alaskan terms:
Cheechako: Anyone new to Alaska.
Sourdough: Anyone old to Alaska.
Cache (cash): A very small, food storage cabin - elevated out of reach of animals and your kids.
Ice Worm: Small, very tiny worms that actually live in glacial ice.
Bear Insurance: Guns: 44 magnum, 12 gauge shotgun, high caliber rifle or small, handheld nuclear weapon.
Bear Insurance #2: It's the best protection of all...always be with someone you can outrun.
Permanent Fund: Money from the state for living in Alaska.
Tin Dog: Snowmobile, Ski-Doo
Alaskan Sneakers: Waders - leg, hip, or chest waders.
____________________
Sourdough, complaining: "Awwwh, there is so much we must do without in Alaska; we must do without freeways, snakes, scorpions, tornados, hurricanes, cockroaches, poison ivy and poison oak, a state sales tax, a state income tax, alligators, black widow spiders,.........
Tom
With Alaska still on my mind I thought that it would make a good topic for my JOW - anything to get my mind off the continuing forecasts for triple digit heat here.
…………………………………
In Alaska when someone refers to "the BIG one" it's important to clarify whether they are talking about a King salmon, Mt. McKinley, or the 1964 earthquake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First Alaskan: Boy, it was too bad to hear about Bob's car accident; he suffered so much brain damage they had to ship him off to the Lower 48.
Second Alaskan: Yes, that's too bad, how long do they figure he'll be in the hospital?
First Alaskan: Hospital? Who said anything about a hospital?
===============================
Lloyd and Bruce fly in to the Alaskan interior to go moose hunting. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of these animals--you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take-off."
"That's baloney", says Bruce.
"Yeah," Lloyd agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts; he wasn't afraid to take off."
"Yeah," said Bruce, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Well, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the top, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but shaken and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said "Where are we?"
Bruce rolled out from being thrown in a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say, about a hundred yards further than last year."
++++++++++++++++++
Two Lower48ers are moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a hard time. Finally a fellow hunter comes along and says "Hey, you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier."
The two hunters say "Hey, good idea!" So they start dragging it the other way.
About two hours later one outsider looks at the other and says "Hey, this was a good idea, it is easier this way."
The other outsider says, "Yeah, but we keep getting further away from the truck."
__________________
George and Frank have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. George has been having no luck at all and Frank has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. George finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" is the reply.
"Geez, Frank, what was that?"
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Frank replies.
"Good grief Frank, still can't understand what you're saying."
Frank spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I said, 'YOU GOTTA KEEP THE WORMS WARM.'"
………………………………………..
Here are a few Alaskan terms:
Cheechako: Anyone new to Alaska.
Sourdough: Anyone old to Alaska.
Cache (cash): A very small, food storage cabin - elevated out of reach of animals and your kids.
Ice Worm: Small, very tiny worms that actually live in glacial ice.
Bear Insurance: Guns: 44 magnum, 12 gauge shotgun, high caliber rifle or small, handheld nuclear weapon.
Bear Insurance #2: It's the best protection of all...always be with someone you can outrun.
Permanent Fund: Money from the state for living in Alaska.
Tin Dog: Snowmobile, Ski-Doo
Alaskan Sneakers: Waders - leg, hip, or chest waders.
____________________
Sourdough, complaining: "Awwwh, there is so much we must do without in Alaska; we must do without freeways, snakes, scorpions, tornados, hurricanes, cockroaches, poison ivy and poison oak, a state sales tax, a state income tax, alligators, black widow spiders,.........
Tom
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