Every year at about this time I do a set of jokes related to the Dog Days of Summer. I know these brutally hot days are named after Sirius not canines, but it gives me a reason for jokes about Man’s Best Friend.
“Outside
of a dog a book is man’s best friend.
Inside of a dog it is too dark to read” -Groucho Marx
What
is the difference between a man and a dog?
A
man wears trousers, a dog pants.
I
can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...
My
fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I
used a spot remover on my dog.....
He disappeared
My
dog and I share a therapist – it’s called walking
Dogs
have owners, cats have staff
How
can you be sure that you have a slow dog?
It chases parked cars
Husband: It is raining cats and dogs now
Wife: That is ok, so long as it doesn't reindeer.
What
is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
Well, one of them wags his tail and the other tags his whales.
Why
can't you tell Knock Knock jokes to a dog?
Me:
Knock Knock
Dog:
"bark, bark, bark"
List
if 10 worst dog breeds
1.
There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas
A
large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today.
Police are looking for leads.
I
bought a dog from a blacksmith, when I got him home he made a bolt for the
door.
I
told my shrink I identify as a dog
He
made me get off the couch
What
is a terrible name for a dog.
Yes.
Yes it is.
My
Dog is really worried about the rising price of groceries, with a can of dog
food now costing $2.99....
That's
almost $21 in Dog money.
What
do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?
Douglas
Why
are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because
of the vacuum
My
dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..
No
word yet....
What
kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?
A
subwoofer
What
do you call a dog that floats?
A
good bouy
Why
did the dog cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?
Because
he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.
And
a few darker dog jokes:
What
do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t
matter what you call it. It can’t come.
My
rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette
...and
every night we go out for a drag.
I
named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But
today, I ran over 5 miles
Where
do you find a dog with out legs?
Right
where you left him.
I
named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But
today, I ran over 5 miles
Where
do you find a dog without legs?
Right
where you left him.
A
blind man had to shoot his dog...
To
this day, he still misses him
I'll
never forget my dog's last words to me.
"You've
taken too much acid."
A
married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup, and everything is good.
In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examinations with the
doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.
"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was
making their food. I had a big pot on the stove simmering and my husband came
home and got big a ladle full and ate it. I told him it was for the dogs, but
he said it was delicious and insisted that is what he wanted for dinner that
night. Well, I make the dogs food every week and every time I make a new batch
my husband eats it for dinner. I'm concerned about him eating the dog’s
food."
The doctor proceeded to ask her what was in the dog's food and how it was
prepared. After she describes in detail the ingredients and the preparation the
doctor finally says "I don't think there is anything that can hurt him. I
wouldn't encourage him to eat it but it sounds safe enough to eat.
A year goes by and the woman goes back to the doctor for her annual checkup. As
was standard procedure the doctor sits down with the woman and discusses the
test results. As he is going through her file he sees a note from the previous
year regarding her husband's propensity to eat the dog food made by her. He
asks her " So is your husband still eating the dog food you prepare?"
"Oh, no doctor, my husband died"
Oh, my lord I'm so sorry. It wasn't because of the dog food was it?
Well, not directly, no.
Not directly? What happened?
"Well", the lady said in a very sad and grief-stricken voice, "
he got hit by a car when he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his
balls."
A
dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors’
male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and
unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was
late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs."
"I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
lose all interest in sex."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
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