Sick, sick JOW #1339

The word ‘sick’ has taken on a new meaning lately.  Instead of meaning unwell or twisted it can now mean really cool and awesome…. You know, like me.  Since medicine has been on my mind this week I have some really 'sick] new jokes.  I hope they bring you some amusement.

 

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns…

I knew the end was in sight.

 

At the hospital where I checked in I noticed that apple pies cost $2, pumpkin pies $3 and blueberry pies $4.

Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

 

That’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello?

One is an inhospitable desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.

 

Hospital food: where flavor goes to take a nap.

 

The best hospital meal is the one you sneak in yourself.

 

Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU.

 

A man’s young son swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.

When the dad asked how he was, the nurse said, “No change yet.”

 

Son: Mom, I’m in hospital but don’t worry everything is fine.

Mom: You’re a doctor now and this wasn’t funny the first time.

 

My pregnant wife called me at work and said, “Honey, I’m having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

I got there as soon as I could and called her back, “Right. I’m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?”

 

What’s the most common type of surgery performed at the Lego hospital?

Plastic surgery.

 

In college I dated an X-ray tech who I met after a short hospital stay.

To this day, I wonder what she saw in me.

 

The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge.

That explained the stains next to it.

 

The police called to tell a man that his wife was in the hospital.

“How is she?” he asked.

“Very critical,” replied the officer.

“What’s she complaining about now?”

 

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

Another hour goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

Another hour passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”

His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

 

A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, “I have an appointment at 1:30.”

She replies, “Which doctor?”

The man says, “No thanks, just a regular doctor please.”

 

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?

The hip replacement guy.

 

Because of a clerical error at the hospital, they named both of our twin boys William.

They Billed us twice.

 

A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve amputated your arms.”

 

“Push harder,” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

“Screw you,” she yelled back at me.

A bit harsh I thought; it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.

 

My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital.

“Two EMTs?” I asked her. “Don’t you mean a pair o’ medics?”

 

I accidentally drank from a jar of invisible ink.

I’m currently at the hospital waiting to be seen.

 

A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen. No one tells me shit.”

And finally

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
And not to be outdone, the third patient responds "Some ha' meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it!"
The doctor murmurs to the orderly "So this is the mental health ward?"
"Och no!" replies the orderly.
"...it's the Burns Unit!"