Children are on my mind these days so my JOW this week has some infant (as opposed to infantile) humor.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"
Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
Here are some three questions from first time pregnant moms
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Things NOT to say while your wife is in pregnant, in labor or just after delivery:
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope you’re ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
________________________________________
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, there may be yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
________________________________________
Being a mother changes everything. But being a mother also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having the first.
================
Maternity Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.
Tom
Monday, December 5, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Hard Working JOW
I am glad to be working again; however I am having to remember what coworkers really mean when they say something. Here is a handy translation sheet I have developed.
“I can’t figure out how to work my phone” = “I have not made any attempt to figure out how to work my phone”
“I need help with this” = “Do this for me”
“Hey, quick question…” = “Hey, several dozen lengthy questions…”
“We need to give Cathy a call” = “You need to give Cathy a call”
“I think we’re out of pens” = “I do not see a pen within a three foot radius of where I’m sitting”
“Did Todd get a new computer?” = “Why haven’t I also gotten a new computer?”
“Thanks for showing me how to do something in Microsoft Excel” = “You are now the company’s expert in Microsoft Excel”
“I’m expecting a fax” = “I’m expecting you to hover over the fax machine for the next few hours.
The help wanted ads are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what it is their children do for a living...
……………………..
Responses to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:
• Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
• Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
• Ohm resisted the idea.
• Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
• Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
• Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
• Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Descartes said he'd think about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
…………………………………….
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Here is a truck driving joke for Charlie and Kathy
Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 13 1/2 feet and our truck is 14 feet high."
Second driver, "It's ok, just go, there aren’t any cops around."
++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, on a non-work related note my cousin Bil had his annual checkup and reported the experience thusly:
During my recent physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer."
Tom
“I can’t figure out how to work my phone” = “I have not made any attempt to figure out how to work my phone”
“I need help with this” = “Do this for me”
“Hey, quick question…” = “Hey, several dozen lengthy questions…”
“We need to give Cathy a call” = “You need to give Cathy a call”
“I think we’re out of pens” = “I do not see a pen within a three foot radius of where I’m sitting”
“Did Todd get a new computer?” = “Why haven’t I also gotten a new computer?”
“Thanks for showing me how to do something in Microsoft Excel” = “You are now the company’s expert in Microsoft Excel”
“I’m expecting a fax” = “I’m expecting you to hover over the fax machine for the next few hours.
The help wanted ads are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what it is their children do for a living...
……………………..
Responses to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:
• Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
• Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
• Ohm resisted the idea.
• Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
• Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
• Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
• Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Descartes said he'd think about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
…………………………………….
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Here is a truck driving joke for Charlie and Kathy
Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 13 1/2 feet and our truck is 14 feet high."
Second driver, "It's ok, just go, there aren’t any cops around."
++++++++++++++++++++++
Finally, on a non-work related note my cousin Bil had his annual checkup and reported the experience thusly:
During my recent physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer."
Tom
Monday, November 21, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving JOW
Thanksgiving dinner is a unique experience; it's like an orgy that's rated G. Everyone feels like gluttony is their patriotic duty. We all eat until it takes the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy. We will be going up to eat with Ruth’s sister as usual but this will be the first time without any kids since I was on active duty in 1985 and ate Thanksgiving alone in a San Francisco restaurant. That was when I came to fully understand that it is not what you eat but who you eat the meal with that is important.
On a personal note, my sister welcomed another grandson into the world; J.R. Gerschefski. And Tiffany has finally successfully completed a five year effort and secured work as an attorney in L.A. This means that for the first time all five kids are gainfully employed at the same time.
Here are some Thanksgiving-themed jokes for the season(ing).
…………………
A college student invited her college roommate to join her large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, they got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until they suddenly remembered they had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
“Please don’t worry about me,” she reassured them; “I was brought up in a family too.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am not ashamed of my ‘rural antecedences’. Jeff Foxworthy founded an entire genre of jokes celebrating our redneck heritage. And you might be a redneck if:
• You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
• Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
• You've ever re-used a paper plate.
• If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
• If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
• Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
• Your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
• Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
----------------------------------
TULSA, OK (DPI) - In what is becoming more and more common on holidays here in America, an entire family exploded shortly after finishing their Thanksgiving dinner.
Investigators from the Tulsa Sheriff Department said that, while the sheer size of the meal certainly played a part in the Turkey Day Massacre, the straw that broke the gobbler's back was in fact the whipped cream on the top of the pumpkin pie.
Sheriff Bill Gutt commented, "Yep, it was the Cool-Whip what done it. People just ain't got no common sense."
____________________________
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and you’ll get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Grandma: What would you like for dessert, Joey?
Joey: Pumpkin pie! Grandma: Pumpkin pie, what, dear? Say the magic word. Joey: I'm sorry, Grandma. Pumpkin pie, abracadabra!
=========================
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he typically would say a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, Grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A Texas Ranger once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the Texas Rangers to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
………………………………
Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The letter "g"!
Tom
On a personal note, my sister welcomed another grandson into the world; J.R. Gerschefski. And Tiffany has finally successfully completed a five year effort and secured work as an attorney in L.A. This means that for the first time all five kids are gainfully employed at the same time.
Here are some Thanksgiving-themed jokes for the season(ing).
…………………
A college student invited her college roommate to join her large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, they got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until they suddenly remembered they had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
“Please don’t worry about me,” she reassured them; “I was brought up in a family too.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am not ashamed of my ‘rural antecedences’. Jeff Foxworthy founded an entire genre of jokes celebrating our redneck heritage. And you might be a redneck if:
• You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
• Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
• You've ever re-used a paper plate.
• If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
• If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
• Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
• Your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
• Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
----------------------------------
TULSA, OK (DPI) - In what is becoming more and more common on holidays here in America, an entire family exploded shortly after finishing their Thanksgiving dinner.
Investigators from the Tulsa Sheriff Department said that, while the sheer size of the meal certainly played a part in the Turkey Day Massacre, the straw that broke the gobbler's back was in fact the whipped cream on the top of the pumpkin pie.
Sheriff Bill Gutt commented, "Yep, it was the Cool-Whip what done it. People just ain't got no common sense."
____________________________
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and you’ll get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Grandma: What would you like for dessert, Joey?
Joey: Pumpkin pie! Grandma: Pumpkin pie, what, dear? Say the magic word. Joey: I'm sorry, Grandma. Pumpkin pie, abracadabra!
=========================
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he typically would say a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, Grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A Texas Ranger once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the Texas Rangers to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
………………………………
Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The letter "g"!
Tom
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Mishmash JOW
I have a mishmash of jokes this week starting with some puzzling questions a few observations and a couple of jokes at IKEA’s expense. I apologize for not having a theme this week; I have had less time to do my JOW since I started working. Nevertheless, I think you will enjoy at least some of them.
Troubling questions for the twisted mind:
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
• Is it okay for vegans to eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you eat both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
• Could it be that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?
• Do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
A few more petty observations:
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• An observation on Jose Cuervo: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martha had this observation –
Ten years ago America had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Both Dick and Mary Ellen sent this to me. I can’t figure out why they sent it to me; neither are blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they both live in California. (A light suddenly dawns)
--------
This is serious stuff. Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don't know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Here are a couple of Ikea jokes:
I went to a business meeting at Ikea; they told me to make a chair and have a seat.
++++++++++++++
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it’s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I’m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You’ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and says: "Ahh lovely honey, you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up sees the repairman waiting inside. "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" demanded the outraged husband.
To which the worker replies:
"I’m waiting for the bus!"
Tom
Troubling questions for the twisted mind:
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
• Is it okay for vegans to eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you eat both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
• Could it be that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?
• Do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
A few more petty observations:
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• An observation on Jose Cuervo: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martha had this observation –
Ten years ago America had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Both Dick and Mary Ellen sent this to me. I can’t figure out why they sent it to me; neither are blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they both live in California. (A light suddenly dawns)
--------
This is serious stuff. Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don't know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Here are a couple of Ikea jokes:
I went to a business meeting at Ikea; they told me to make a chair and have a seat.
++++++++++++++
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it’s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I’m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You’ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and says: "Ahh lovely honey, you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up sees the repairman waiting inside. "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" demanded the outraged husband.
To which the worker replies:
"I’m waiting for the bus!"
Tom
Monday, November 7, 2011
Old Veteran JOW
Since Veteran’s Day is almost upon us I thought to provide some military humor. Remember we owe a lot to our veterans, so this Thursday why not give a veteran (especially Navy Vets) that you know a nice gift. A money order would be nice. ;^)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things are different for military families these days. There are separations but couples still keep in touch. At a military commissary a frazzled mother with two active children, stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case and warned her child that "If you don't get off there right now I'm going to e-mail your father!"
________________________________________
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
…………………………………….
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
________________________________________
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
================
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you’re Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. For a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army helicopter, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. And if you are a Marine Corps flying thingee, it's Thursday afternoon."
________________________________________
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
________________________________________
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s all the way. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
++++++++++++++++++++++
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
________________________________________
And finally, one non-military note:
There is big news about a Penn State coach who is accused of molesting no fewer than eight little boys over a 15 year period. The accusations have so upset him that he has decided to withdraw from the world and become a Roman Catholic priest.
Tom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things are different for military families these days. There are separations but couples still keep in touch. At a military commissary a frazzled mother with two active children, stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case and warned her child that "If you don't get off there right now I'm going to e-mail your father!"
________________________________________
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
…………………………………….
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
________________________________________
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
================
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you’re Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. For a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army helicopter, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. And if you are a Marine Corps flying thingee, it's Thursday afternoon."
________________________________________
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
________________________________________
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s all the way. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
++++++++++++++++++++++
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
________________________________________
And finally, one non-military note:
There is big news about a Penn State coach who is accused of molesting no fewer than eight little boys over a 15 year period. The accusations have so upset him that he has decided to withdraw from the world and become a Roman Catholic priest.
Tom
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween JOW
Halloween is tonight so I thought to give my JOW sufferers their jokes early. I hope you enjoy your Halloween as well as these little holiday-related jokes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker."
---------------------------------
Headline: "Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetery will be done by skeleton crews"
………………
You know you are really too old to trick or treat when:
• You ask for high fiber candy.
• People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
• When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
• By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
• You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
• You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Some Halloween definitions and riddles:
• Bloodshed - where the Red Cross keeps the plasma
• Cemetery - bone zone.
• Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
• Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
• Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
• Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.
• Q: What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see anything?
A: A blind witch
###############
The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students, all the while saying, ". . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver, and this is the kidney, and this is . . ."
"What the heck is the professor doing?" asked a student.
"Shh! He's giving an organ recital."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two costume jokes:
A friend asked if he could borrow his geek-friend’s Darth Vader mask. On Halloween night, the friend came by to pick it up. The geek was surprised that his friend was dressed in his usual attire of jeans and a flannel shirt, with the addition of a black cowboy hat.
"Where's your costume?" he asked.
"This is it, plus your mask," his friend replied.
"Well, what are you supposed to be?"
"Darth Brooks."
====================
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"
--------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"They misspelled my name,” the old man grumbled, “and I had to come back to correct it!"
**********************************
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a tiny vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car before I get my ruler out!"
……………………………………………
And one last groaner
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP.
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... right on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of extra strength cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly
"The coffin stops."
Tom
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker."
---------------------------------
Headline: "Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetery will be done by skeleton crews"
………………
You know you are really too old to trick or treat when:
• You ask for high fiber candy.
• People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
• When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
• By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
• You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
• You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Some Halloween definitions and riddles:
• Bloodshed - where the Red Cross keeps the plasma
• Cemetery - bone zone.
• Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
• Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
• Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
• Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.
• Q: What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see anything?
A: A blind witch
###############
The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students, all the while saying, ". . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver, and this is the kidney, and this is . . ."
"What the heck is the professor doing?" asked a student.
"Shh! He's giving an organ recital."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two costume jokes:
A friend asked if he could borrow his geek-friend’s Darth Vader mask. On Halloween night, the friend came by to pick it up. The geek was surprised that his friend was dressed in his usual attire of jeans and a flannel shirt, with the addition of a black cowboy hat.
"Where's your costume?" he asked.
"This is it, plus your mask," his friend replied.
"Well, what are you supposed to be?"
"Darth Brooks."
====================
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"
--------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"They misspelled my name,” the old man grumbled, “and I had to come back to correct it!"
**********************************
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a tiny vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car before I get my ruler out!"
……………………………………………
And one last groaner
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP.
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... right on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of extra strength cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly
"The coffin stops."
Tom
Monday, October 24, 2011
Horsing Around JOW
This week’s jokes are horse related. There is no particular reason; I just have never done a JOW about horses and after ~580 of the things I figured it was about time. It is not as though I know much about horses; I have only been riding a few times in my life. But I do know that you should never lick a gift horse in the mouth. And I suspect that horse sense is found usually in people with a stable mind. I also have heard of Hartley's First Law which is:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something
****************
One day, while I was petting a Shetland pony, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?"
Of course I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man's car stalls on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up alongside the fence and leans over to him and says, "Your trouble is probably in the fuel system," says the horse.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer.
"Yes, Yes," the man replies.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."
................
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife and whacks him on the back of his head with a frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!"
===============
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car.
In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: “Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: “Well ... let me explain.”
Lawyer: “Go right ahead” (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). “Please tell the jury.”
Samuel: “When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A blonde went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. The horse did not stop or even slow down. Fortunately just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness the store manager came and unplugged it!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The waiter is a bit shocked by this, but manages to stammer out that it would be ten dollars.
The horse gives him a ten dollar bill and goes over to one of the tables, and starts reading his paper while drinking his beer. The horse eventually finishes his beer and starts to leave.
The bartender calls out to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At ten dollars a beer, I'm not surprised.”
-------------------------------------------
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"
Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"
This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound looked up at the horses and said, "That’s nothing, I ran 50 races and I won 49 of them."
The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking dog!"
Tom
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something
****************
One day, while I was petting a Shetland pony, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?"
Of course I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man's car stalls on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up alongside the fence and leans over to him and says, "Your trouble is probably in the fuel system," says the horse.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer.
"Yes, Yes," the man replies.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."
................
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife and whacks him on the back of his head with a frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!"
===============
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car.
In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: “Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: “Well ... let me explain.”
Lawyer: “Go right ahead” (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). “Please tell the jury.”
Samuel: “When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A blonde went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. The horse did not stop or even slow down. Fortunately just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness the store manager came and unplugged it!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The waiter is a bit shocked by this, but manages to stammer out that it would be ten dollars.
The horse gives him a ten dollar bill and goes over to one of the tables, and starts reading his paper while drinking his beer. The horse eventually finishes his beer and starts to leave.
The bartender calls out to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At ten dollars a beer, I'm not surprised.”
-------------------------------------------
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"
Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"
This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound looked up at the horses and said, "That’s nothing, I ran 50 races and I won 49 of them."
The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking dog!"
Tom
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