Another stupid JOW #677

I have a few more stupid jokes.  I love stupid humor - ‘stupid humor’ is the kind of humor is not for stupid people;  by ‘stupid humor’ I mean like things that make us laugh because we simply don't expect them, or because it’s ridiculous, or because it’s so outrageous that it entertains us.  Once these types of jokes were called Polack jokes and, perhaps after a few beefy Polish guys objected, they became Blonde Jokes. 

·         Why did the dumb blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

·         Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.

·         What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

·         How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.

·         What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
“Oh look! Donut seeds!”

++++++++++++++++++++

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

What did Zero say to number 8?

Sigh "Nice belt."

I have to have a stupid  ‘walk into a bar’ joke.  This one is better if you say it out loud.

Two whales go into a bar.

First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaaeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo

Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

-------------------------

This joke is passed on from William

Pat and Tom, elderly two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Pat didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Pat hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Tom didn't know where Pat lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Tom figured he had seen the last of Pat, but one day, Tom approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Pat!
Tom was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Pat, what in the world happened to you?'
Pat replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 'Jail!' cried Tom. What in the world for?'
 'Well,' Pat said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Tom, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me.  I am 79 years old, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

And here are a series of really stupid quotes

"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?"

"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."

"Just when someone invents a foolproof thing, someone else invents a better fool!"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re ok then it’s you!"

"Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?"

"Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once."

"If you think that something small cannot make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."

"If you think dogs cannot count try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and giving him only two."

"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble and automobile - and one nut to scatter it all over the road."

"After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ~You know, I was a fool when I married you!”

The husband replied “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice!"

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married - and then it was too late!"

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne you sit one is, you still sit on your bottom!"

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."

"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football."

"You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probably be stupid."

"I can sometimes resist temptation, but never mischief."
 
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

"At all the weddings, my aunts would come up and poke me in the ribs, cackling 'You're next'! They stopped after I started doing the same thing at funerals."

"They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He's dead. Good!"

"Chickens, the only animal you eat before they are born, and after they are dead."

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens."

"Women like silent men, they think they're listening."

Ruth sent me some truisms

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb 

***************

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
***** 

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall 

*******************

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden 

*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke 

*******************

Home cooking - where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters 

********************

I have kleptomania; when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

+++++++++++++++

And finally this bit of wisdom from Tor:

"Many are called but few get up."

Grammar JOW #676

I do love word jokes – puns and such.  I even appreciate grammar jokes, although those are a bit more esoteric.  Besides, Grammarians make {sic} jokes.   But I do have a few simple grammar-style bits this week.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar at the same time.  Suddenly everything became tense.

The same bar was walked into by the passive voice.
A synonym ambles into a pub.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.

A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.

A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty and then orders a beer to go.
Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
+++++++++++++++
A pregnant woman went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
She was having contractions.

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

If you are irregular, tense, and moody you might just be a verb.

…………………………..

Knock knock

Who’s there?

To

To Who?

No, it is to whom.

______________

The English professor was holding forth.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

“””””””””””””””””””””””””””””

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"

"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."

"What?"

"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."

"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates watching an assistant check in new arrivals. The assistant had a roster and was calling out names as the spirits lined up.
"James Robertson," he read off, and a fellow said, "I'm him."

Then he read "William Bumgarner," and another fellow said, "That's me."

Then he read, "Gladys Humphreys," and a woman answered, "I am she."
St. Peter leaned over and whispered to his assistant, "Another schoolteacher."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In one of his radio programs, comedian Jack Benny and his guest star Vincent Price were drinking some freshly brewed coffee. After savoring a sip, Benny announced, "This is the better coffee I ever tasted."
"You mean the best coffee!" Price corrected him.
Benny snapped back, "There are only two of us drinking it!"

***************

How do you comfort a grammar Nazi?  Pat him on the shoulder and say “There, They’re, Their”

------------------------------------

And never forget the importance of punctuation:

Commas are important.  For example:

‘I’d rather cuddle then make love’ is not the same as ‘I’d rather cuddle, then make love.’

And ‘Let’s eat, grandma’ is a lot different than ‘Let’s eat grandma.’

And apostrophes can make the difference between ‘feeling you’re nuts’ and just ‘feeling your nut or knowing your s#it and knowing you’re s#it.

Some topical puns

·         I think people who do not use punctuation deserve a long sentence.

·         The wife of Pi probably thinks he is irrational and just goes on and on.

·         If you get in a twitter war and you are losing should you re-tweet?

·         What's the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws, while the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One bull looked at a new young cow and asked his fellow bull,

“Who’s the new heifer?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen herbivore.”

Finally here are two puzzles to end with

What common five letter English word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

And what is so unusual about this sentence?

“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting.”

(Answers next week.)

Sirius JOW #675

This is my more or less annual Dog Days JOW.  The last half of the month of August, when Sirius, the Dog Star is most obvious in the sky, is traditionally the hottest time of the year.  Here in Texas it also means we only have about one more month of full heat before we can start hoping for a ‘cold front’ to give us a break.  That is those of us who have not had a nice vacation either at cooler altitudes or by hanging close the world’s largest heat sink (the Pacific Ocean).

            So the general theme of this offering is dog related.  Enjoy.

###############################

It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there. 
"It's slow here, too", said Satan 
"Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun." 
"Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there." 
"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the dog show judges." 

Indications you might have a stupid dog.

·         Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"

·         Buries tail, wags bones

·         When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat by-products

·         Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes cigarettes

·         Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here are some interesting potential dog breeds developed by crossing existing breeds.

Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

**************************

Some dog quotes

·         Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. -Dave Barry

·         You always sympathize with the underdog, except when the other dog is yours. 

·         Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies. 

Well-phrased signs:

·         On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, my mastiff is hungry and dog food is expensive."

·         In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay."

A man tied his Great Dane outside the grocery store and went inside to do some shopping.   A little while later another man came over to him and asked if the Great Dane outside was his. He replied that it was and then the other man said, “Well I’m sorry to tell you this, but I believe my dog just killed your dog.”

The owner of the Great Dane looked at him and asked what kind of dog he had, to which he replied that he had a Chihuahua. The Great Dane’s owner looked at the other man as if he’d lost his mind and asked, “How could that be?”

The other man replied, “Well I’m afraid he choked on him.

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get by to the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. 
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for the remainder of the month, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. 
Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, and then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper. 
When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else. 
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance.
When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had! 
Mace turned and rooting around in the grass brought out the missing wrench; the man’s despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever until Mace found it for him! 
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. 
Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"Amazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me." 

Tom

Road to JOW #674

This JOW is as early as the other was late but I will be on the move tomorrow and for the rest of week.  I am still on my walkabout but thanks to the kind hospitality of my in-laws I have a very comfortable place to stay – complete with wi-fi!  Estes Park is lovely this time of year, especially when I see the high temperatures back in southeast Texas.  My offerings this week continue with a traveling theme.  For some reason lots of jokes about travel have to do with ‘digestion’ and do not really fit into my normal style.  So here are some offerings about being away from home.

I will start with a camping joke that I have used before.  However it won a contest for funniest joke in the UK.  Of course that it like winning a cooking contest for ‘best British food.’

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking in the mountains.
They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired for a good night’s sleep.
Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"
Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

=============================================================

A tourist was being led through the Everglades.
"Is it true," he asked, "that a gator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

######################

The shipwrecked mariner had spent many years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When they discovered how long he had been marooned they sent the boat back out to the ship for a package.   When they returned the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

I have had to eat more fast food on the road than I care to admit.  This one addresses that:

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.)
The local guy in the line behind him immediately begins to harass him: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One night at an economy motel, a guest ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he woke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, he let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!, what if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't have been staying in this motel, would you?"

++++++++++++++++++++++

While on a visit to the Middle East, a man and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

``````````````````````````````````````````````

Not surprisingly tourism to the Middle East has declined precipitously in the past few years.  In the event that anyone is planning on a trip to that region here are some useful Arabic/English phrases that may be helpful.

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
The red blindfold will be lovely, Excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.