Weighty JOW #936

I have been watching what I eat lately.  I call it a ‘See Food’ diet.  Actually my current diet is known in running circles as ‘carb loading’.  Doesn’t seem to be working for me.  But I am thinking about it which inevitably led to some jokes.

A letter to my diet

Dear Diet,

Things just aren’t working out between us. It’s not me, it’s you.  You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.

Some dietary laws

·         If you eat something and no one saw it – it has no calories.

·         When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they ate more than you.

·         Tasting someone else’s food doesn’t count.

·         Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain less calories.

·         Tasting food while preparing it is essential, and therefore – healthy.

·         Foods with similar colors contain the same amount of calories. This is why it’s fine to eat pistachio ice cream instead of spinach.

·         A calorie is a measurement of heat units.  Therefore frozen foods, such as ice cream, contain no calories.

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side. "'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud. "Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"
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A father says to his son, "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Son replies, "Go on a diet."

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Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

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Some people don’t become vegetarians because they love animals. They are vegetarians because they hate vegetables.

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Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

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Can I tell you a vegan joke? I promise it won’t be cheesy.

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What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

GgggrrrRRAAIIiinnnNNnnSss!

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Whenever I'm near an uptight vegan, I tend to walk on eggshells...which really upsets them. 

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How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients. 

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One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat.  When the carnivore stopped to get a hot dog from a vendor, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat? Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

As they stepped off the curb a bread truck came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the vegetarian’s friend, "It appears that your friend is going to pull through.  But I am afraid he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life." 

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What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A desserter.
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Do you know which type of dessert will give you the most troubles and suffering for many years after you’ve eaten it?” A wedding cake

A biblical explanation of how we got in our current overweight state.

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super-size them". And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese. And Woman gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And Satan created insurance premiums, deductibles, and co-pays.

A few other random bits

When a blind man reads a scary book in braille can he feel when it is getting tense?

“””””””””””

Next time your wife gets really angry drape a towel on her shoulder and tell her, “Now you’re super angry. 

Maybe she’ll laugh.

Maybe you’ll die.

Dog advertisements:

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.

German shepherd. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks German. free.

Free puppies...part German shepherd part dog

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.

Take me out to the Ball Game JOW #935

I love baseball playoffs. It gives me a chance to go home and watch the World Series.  Just like the Cubs.  There are some things I wonder about; for example, why do we sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when we’re already there?  Of course, women don’t understand baseball like men do.  If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.   

Following are some jokes with a baseball theme.

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A rookie sat next to his manager and watched the other team’s left fielder gun down a runner trying to go from first to third.

"Kid, you won't see a throw like that again in a million years."

Three innings later, the left fielder duplicated the feat.

The rookie turned to the manager and said, "Time sure flies up here in the Majors."

And on the subject of managers, some people think the late Casey Stengel was the greatest manager of all time.  He wasn’t but he sure was colorful.

Casey Stengel sat in the dugout with Bob Cerv. Several moments passed before Stengel spoke. "Nobody knows this, but one of us has just been traded to Kansas City."

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"I'll (Phil Rizzuto) never forget September 6, 1950. I got a letter threatening me, Hank Bauer, Yogi Berra and Johnny Mize. It said if I showed up in uniform against the Red Sox I'd be shot. I turned the letter over to the FBI and told my manager Casey Stengel about it. You know what Casey did? He gave me a different uniform and gave mine to Billy Martin. Can you imagine that! Guess Casey thought it'd be better if Billy got shot."

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On June 17, 1962, in a game between the Mets and the Cubs at the Polo Grounds, "Marvelous" Marv Thronberry slammed a two-run triple. But while he was catching his breath on third base, Chicago first baseman Ernie Banks called for the ball and appealed that Marv had missed first base. The appeal was upheld and he was called out. Mets manager Casey Stengel ran out from the dugout to argue the call until umpire Dusty Boggess said, "Forget it Casey. .He didn't touch second either!"

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Phil Masi was catching one day when Al Javery faced the Giants. The first three hitters all ripped hits on Javery's first pitch. Casey Stengel popped out of the dugout for a conference on the mound.
"What kind of pitches has he been throwing," Stengel asked Masi.
"I dunno," Masi said. "I haven't caught one yet."

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I want to end this JOW with George Carlin’s reflections on the differences between baseball and football.

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.  Also: in football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring. In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do.

Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.  I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a  pastoral game.
Football is a technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, like the gladiators.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, or sleet
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end – we might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!