Captain Tom (not me, the other one) sends me a lot of jokes and humorous anecdotes. Perhaps in remembrance of St Patrick’s Day he recently forwarded several wonderful bits of Irish humor, a few of which do not include alcohol or violence (which makes them nearly unique). So here are a few Post St Patrick Day Jokes this Week.
I will start with one of my favorite jokes, better told while drinking but funny enough to read.
An Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits beside him.
He says ‘how you do’ and hearing the lilt in his voice the first man says ‘You be Irish?’
‘Sure and I am.’
The first man yells ‘Barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here; he's from the mother country as well.’
The second man asks- ‘So where in the old country ye from’?
‘Dublin’ responds the first.
‘Dublin you say - so am I’ and the second man hollers ‘barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish whiskey for me and my friend here.’
After they share a drink the first man asks ‘from where in Dublin’ and the second man responds with the street and the first man says ‘well I'll be - so am I’ and yells barkeep ‘a pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.’
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks – ‘how is business’.
The barkeep responds – ‘Not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.’
=====================
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
………………………….
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Has the house have all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...it’s is too good to part with."
##################
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Irish humor often has a fondness for ridiculous logic.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter.
----------------------
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About 2 hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time
between New Year's to Christmas!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And where would Irish humor be without a few pokes at religion? They would be about as humorous as the Germans, that’s where.
Father Murphy walks into a pub and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man says, "I do, Father."
The priest says, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then he asks a second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replies.
"Then stand over there against the wall," the priest says.
Then he walks up to O'Toole and asks, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole says, "No, I don't, Father."
The priest says, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole says, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," the priest says.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" Gallagher asked. "They say I died!"
"Yes, I saw it!" Finney replied. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Good Old JOW
I have a few more or less standard topics that are always good for a JOW. Last week I used dogs – pets are always good for a chuckle. This week I am using older people as a basis for my humor. After all I personally know several people who are eligible for social security and several more (one of whom is named Dick) who will soon hit that magic age 62 where you can live on the generous government dole and will no longer have to work. ;^)
We all know that social security has a problem with so many of us living to be so old so in order to prevent social security from going broke the government they now advocating that all Americans forsake wimpy things like flu shots and start living large – they want us go out early in a blaze of glory. Face it, more deaths of old people will mean a lower tax burden for the living. To encourage this, Social Security checks will soon be provided as vouchers for liquor stores, and tobacco products or certificates for hang gliding, bungee jumping, tattoo parlors, and non-Harley Davidson motorcycles.
As a new government advertisement puts it: “Would you rather die old, broke, and forgotten, or die a legend with a body you would not be ashamed to show in an open casket.”
I, for one prefer that plan to that of the previous administration that just sat back and waited for an influenza epidemic to take care of the surplus old folks.
At any rate, here are some Good Old Jokes.
Martha is a good source of ‘old jokes’ Here are some of hers:
When I woke up this morning I lifted my arms.
They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I moved my knees. They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I turned my neck. It went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
Conclusion: I am not old, I'm crispy
=====================
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's kids.
• A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
• Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
• They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
• They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
• Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• They wear glasses and funny underwear.
• They can take their teeth and gums out.
• They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
• When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
• They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
• It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.
---------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,'
She replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked,
"Which one should have this present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything Mom asks?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The young granddaughter called to wish her Granddaddy Happy Birthday. She asked him how old he was, and he told her he was 62.
The little girl was quiet for a moment, and then she asked, "Did you start at 1?
We all know that social security has a problem with so many of us living to be so old so in order to prevent social security from going broke the government they now advocating that all Americans forsake wimpy things like flu shots and start living large – they want us go out early in a blaze of glory. Face it, more deaths of old people will mean a lower tax burden for the living. To encourage this, Social Security checks will soon be provided as vouchers for liquor stores, and tobacco products or certificates for hang gliding, bungee jumping, tattoo parlors, and non-Harley Davidson motorcycles.
As a new government advertisement puts it: “Would you rather die old, broke, and forgotten, or die a legend with a body you would not be ashamed to show in an open casket.”
I, for one prefer that plan to that of the previous administration that just sat back and waited for an influenza epidemic to take care of the surplus old folks.
At any rate, here are some Good Old Jokes.
Martha is a good source of ‘old jokes’ Here are some of hers:
When I woke up this morning I lifted my arms.
They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I moved my knees. They went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
I turned my neck. It went 'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
Conclusion: I am not old, I'm crispy
=====================
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's kids.
• A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
• Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
• They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
• They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
• Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• They wear glasses and funny underwear.
• They can take their teeth and gums out.
• They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
• When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
• They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
• It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.
---------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,'
She replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked,
"Which one should have this present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything Mom asks?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The young granddaughter called to wish her Granddaddy Happy Birthday. She asked him how old he was, and he told her he was 62.
The little girl was quiet for a moment, and then she asked, "Did you start at 1?
Monday, March 12, 2012
Bow Wow JOW
This is JOW #600. Since Ruth has been doing some training of service dogs, I have decided to devote my Joke this Week to the wonderful world of dogs.
Life lessons learned from a dog
• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a big greeting.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
===================
"On Judgment Day if God should say, "Did you clean your house today?"
I hope I can say, "I did not, I played with my dogs and I forgot."
-----------------------------------
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A minister paid a visit to a couple who had just moved into town. As he knocked on the door a large dog bounded up and as the door opened, pushed his way in. The couple seemed nervous at meeting the minister and did not say much but only smiled faintly; the dog, however enthusiastically bounded around the room, knocking things over and generally making a mess. The couple did nothing to restrain the animal. Finally, the mutt began pulling at the minister’s pants leg.
The minister could stand it no longer. “Would you please put your dog out?”
The new couple looked at one another and then at him. “Our dog? We thought it was your dog.”
……………………………
Haiku is about the only poetry I can handle; here are some dog-based examples
"Dog Haiku"
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Dog prayers -
• Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
• Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
• Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
• Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
A dog ‘bar joke’
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And to close out my Doggie Style JOW….
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, fool dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read it without the word dog
Tom
Life lessons learned from a dog
• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a big greeting.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
===================
"On Judgment Day if God should say, "Did you clean your house today?"
I hope I can say, "I did not, I played with my dogs and I forgot."
-----------------------------------
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A minister paid a visit to a couple who had just moved into town. As he knocked on the door a large dog bounded up and as the door opened, pushed his way in. The couple seemed nervous at meeting the minister and did not say much but only smiled faintly; the dog, however enthusiastically bounded around the room, knocking things over and generally making a mess. The couple did nothing to restrain the animal. Finally, the mutt began pulling at the minister’s pants leg.
The minister could stand it no longer. “Would you please put your dog out?”
The new couple looked at one another and then at him. “Our dog? We thought it was your dog.”
……………………………
Haiku is about the only poetry I can handle; here are some dog-based examples
"Dog Haiku"
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Dog prayers -
• Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
• Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
• Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
• Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
A dog ‘bar joke’
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And to close out my Doggie Style JOW….
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, fool dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read it without the word dog
Tom
Monday, March 5, 2012
Regional JOW
Springtime is my favorite time in Texas; the weather is pleasant, trees are sending out green shoots, wildflowers begin their slow fireworks displays and the initial vanguards of robins begin passing through on their way north. But spring is not an especially funny season, so I have just have a few regional jokes passed on to me by others.
This bit of irony is from Charles
The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because they may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
----------------------
Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the preacher.
The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”
**********************
Judge to defendant: “Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?”
Defendant: “No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar.”
+++++++++++++++++++
The other Captain Tom provided these insights into these southern United States
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they yelled.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry."
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying.. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back."
Tennessee
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into
the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," the guy replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here.. 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
Tom
This bit of irony is from Charles
The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because they may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
----------------------
Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the preacher.
The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”
**********************
Judge to defendant: “Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?”
Defendant: “No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar.”
+++++++++++++++++++
The other Captain Tom provided these insights into these southern United States
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they yelled.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry."
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying.. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back."
Tennessee
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into
the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," the guy replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here.. 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
Tom
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Medical JOW
Last week I did a JOW on dying. What could be more natural to follow that then some jokes with a medical theme.
__________________
Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favorite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.
"Don't touch!" she commanded. "They're for the funeral."
……………………………………………..
Yet another husband was lying on his deathbed his life slipping way. He reached out to his wife who took his hand.
“I’m dying,” he told her.
“There, there,” she said quietly patting his hand.
“No, really, I am dying. I have a confession to make.”
“Oh hush, dear, you don’t have say a word.”
“Darling, I had an affair with your best friend.”
“Hush, sweetheart, just let the poison do its work.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Ruth went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, she was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.
“Has your address changed?” she asked.
“No,” Ruth answered.
“Your phone number?”
“No.”
“What about your birthday?”
===============
“Do you think I’ll live another 50 years, Doc?” asked a patient.
“How old are you now?”
“Forty.”
“Do you drink, gamble or chase women?”
“No,” the man answered. “I don’t drink, I never gamble, and I don’t socialize much. In fact, I don’t have any vices at all.”
“Why then,” the doctor retorted, “do you want to live another 50 years?”
+++++++++++++++++++
They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack. "I had taken our cat to the vet," he told the nurse, "and while I was there, my chest got tight, and I had trouble breathing. Later, my left arm began aching."
The nurse was clearly concerned. "So," she asked, "how was your cat?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn’t help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
------------------------------
Okay, let me wrap it up with one about a sick lawyer.
“What’s wrong, Tom?” his fellow lawyer asked solicitously.
“Oh-h-h,” he groaned, “I was out late last night entertaining a guy who can throw a lot of business our way. I’ve got the absolutely worst of all hangovers.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve had some monsters myself.”
“How did you get rid of yours?”
The first lawyer grinned. “I grab my wife and make passionate love to her. In no time, my headache is gone. You ought to try it.”
“I’ll try anything,” Tom said, reaching for his coat. “See you later.”
When he returned he was whistling a jaunty tune. “I see my remedy worked,” his colleague said.
“Like a charm,” replied the rejuvenated lawyer. “And, heh, that’s a really nice house you have.”
Tom
__________________
Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favorite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.
"Don't touch!" she commanded. "They're for the funeral."
……………………………………………..
Yet another husband was lying on his deathbed his life slipping way. He reached out to his wife who took his hand.
“I’m dying,” he told her.
“There, there,” she said quietly patting his hand.
“No, really, I am dying. I have a confession to make.”
“Oh hush, dear, you don’t have say a word.”
“Darling, I had an affair with your best friend.”
“Hush, sweetheart, just let the poison do its work.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Ruth went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, she was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.
“Has your address changed?” she asked.
“No,” Ruth answered.
“Your phone number?”
“No.”
“What about your birthday?”
===============
“Do you think I’ll live another 50 years, Doc?” asked a patient.
“How old are you now?”
“Forty.”
“Do you drink, gamble or chase women?”
“No,” the man answered. “I don’t drink, I never gamble, and I don’t socialize much. In fact, I don’t have any vices at all.”
“Why then,” the doctor retorted, “do you want to live another 50 years?”
+++++++++++++++++++
They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack. "I had taken our cat to the vet," he told the nurse, "and while I was there, my chest got tight, and I had trouble breathing. Later, my left arm began aching."
The nurse was clearly concerned. "So," she asked, "how was your cat?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn’t help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
------------------------------
Okay, let me wrap it up with one about a sick lawyer.
“What’s wrong, Tom?” his fellow lawyer asked solicitously.
“Oh-h-h,” he groaned, “I was out late last night entertaining a guy who can throw a lot of business our way. I’ve got the absolutely worst of all hangovers.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve had some monsters myself.”
“How did you get rid of yours?”
The first lawyer grinned. “I grab my wife and make passionate love to her. In no time, my headache is gone. You ought to try it.”
“I’ll try anything,” Tom said, reaching for his coat. “See you later.”
When he returned he was whistling a jaunty tune. “I see my remedy worked,” his colleague said.
“Like a charm,” replied the rejuvenated lawyer. “And, heh, that’s a really nice house you have.”
Tom
Monday, February 20, 2012
Dead Funny JOW
Over the years I have done my JOW on a very wide number of topics. Some are easier than others. This one, as you might have noticed from the title is about shuffling off this mortal coil, transferring to another phase, kicking the bucket, buying the farm, or otherwise leaving this mortal world. There are lots of heaven and hell jokes, and a surprising number of humorous bits about passing away. Here is a small sample:
========================
Things you do not want to see in your obituary:
“She leaves behind a brother and 27 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 4 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
…………………………………..
A couple was making their funeral arrangements; the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A mortician, named Dale Russon tells what happened to him on his way to one funeral:
‘When I pulled up to a curb, my rear wheel dropped off the edge of the road and into a drain, causing the car to become stuck. Since I was already late, I rushed over to the trunk, got out my jack and started to raise the car out of the drain. At the motion of the jack, the trunk lid snapped down, catching me square on the head. At that point I decided I'd better call the funeral home and have them start the services without me. Blood was running down my face, dripping on my suit, and I was going to have to change my clothes. I stepped into the nearest building and asked the receptionist to call the Russon Brothers Mortuary for me.
She looked at me and said, "Buddy, you're hurt, but you aren't hurt that bad."’
++++++++++++++++++++
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “
‘Here, boy,’
======================
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service. As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied unhelpfully.
--------------------------------------
A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him. "What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One evening a man and his wife were talking about their last wishes. When asked what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me his wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" she asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."
Let me end this JOW with some non-mortality type jokes
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
------------------
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
Tom
========================
Things you do not want to see in your obituary:
“She leaves behind a brother and 27 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 4 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
…………………………………..
A couple was making their funeral arrangements; the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A mortician, named Dale Russon tells what happened to him on his way to one funeral:
‘When I pulled up to a curb, my rear wheel dropped off the edge of the road and into a drain, causing the car to become stuck. Since I was already late, I rushed over to the trunk, got out my jack and started to raise the car out of the drain. At the motion of the jack, the trunk lid snapped down, catching me square on the head. At that point I decided I'd better call the funeral home and have them start the services without me. Blood was running down my face, dripping on my suit, and I was going to have to change my clothes. I stepped into the nearest building and asked the receptionist to call the Russon Brothers Mortuary for me.
She looked at me and said, "Buddy, you're hurt, but you aren't hurt that bad."’
++++++++++++++++++++
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “
‘Here, boy,’
======================
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service. As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied unhelpfully.
--------------------------------------
A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him. "What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One evening a man and his wife were talking about their last wishes. When asked what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me his wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" she asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."
Let me end this JOW with some non-mortality type jokes
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
------------------
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
Tom
Monday, February 13, 2012
Paraprosdokian JOW
My sister knows I love word play, so she sent me some paraprosdokians, which are "a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Since they are kind of nerdy I also included a couple of groaners just to balance things out.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall
of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to sky dive again.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Here are a few paraprosdokians used in quotations.
"If all the girls who attended the prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." —Dorothy Parker
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hick
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse
"If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert
"There but for the grace of God — goes God." —Winston Churchill
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." — supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter for an English tabloid paper despised his city's Building Department need to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
……………………………………..
Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the reception area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Of course," the nun replied, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
=============================
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. "Friday, get help! Get help!"
"Yes!" Friday replied, "Get help now!" Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced and prayed that God would send help to his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing angel at the foot of his bed.
"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"
Tom
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall
of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to sky dive again.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Here are a few paraprosdokians used in quotations.
"If all the girls who attended the prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." —Dorothy Parker
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hick
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse
"If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert
"There but for the grace of God — goes God." —Winston Churchill
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." — supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter for an English tabloid paper despised his city's Building Department need to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
……………………………………..
Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the reception area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Of course," the nun replied, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
=============================
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. "Friday, get help! Get help!"
"Yes!" Friday replied, "Get help now!" Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced and prayed that God would send help to his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing angel at the foot of his bed.
"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"
Tom
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