Arachnophobia JOW #1320

 I recently saw a headline on a satirical: Giant Spiders Invade NYC.  Experts are Concerned About a Surge in Arachnophobia.  All I saw was the headline but I could easily write the story: Giant Venomous Spiders have been seen in New York.  “They are huge,” a witness reported, “Six feet.  No, wait, those were bugs.  The spiders were eight feet.”  The spiders are alleged to be person eating, but that remains unconfirmed.  “There is nothing to fear,” said a spokes human from the mayor’s office.  “We must assume they are peaceful.  We have sent numerous emissaries, and the negotiations must still be ongoing, because none of them have returned.”  The spokesperson continued to warn people against arachnophobia.  Local activists were organizing pro-spider demonstrations.  “After all,” one protester commented, “spiders were here first.”  The spiders could not be reached for comment.”

So my jokes this week are about spiders.

 

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

 

Do you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

 

What kind of grill does a spider BBQ on?

A Weber.

 

Did you hear the spider who ate the fly? 

He was a real buzz kill.

 

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

 

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

 

What do you call an undercover tarantula?

A spy-der.

 

What do you call it when you have too many spiders in your house?

A no-fly zone.

 

A shark, a crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar.

Just another typical day in Australia

 

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

 

Why did the man return his new pair of spider silk trousers?

They looked great, but the fly kept getting stuck.

 

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the size of the females.

 

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

 

What’s good for spider bites?” a person asked his doctor.

To which the doctor replied, “An irate spider.”

 

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Who’s there? 

A spider.

 

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

 

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

 

What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiider

 

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy? 

::::D

 

Why are spiders good swimmers? 

They have webbed feet

 

Did you read the book about an onion that turns into a spider? 

It’s called Shallot’s Web

 

I recently killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

 

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.  He's a web designer

 

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

 

Gotta give credit to spiders.

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

 

What do you call a spider with lots of bugs in his big web?

A web designer with a huge net worth.

 

Husband: The female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating.

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop him from snoring

 

A male spider meets a female spider.

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."
Offended, she replies: "At least lets have sex first."

 

“What’s your biggest weakness?” asked the interviewer.

“Spiders,” replied the prospective employee.

“Professional ones?” continued the interviewer.

Said the prospective employee, “I don’t know; I’ve never seen one in a suit before.”

 

Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider.  They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

 

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.
“How much do one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.
“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.
“Fifty dollars!” the father replies. “I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

 

And finally, once upon a time.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years, he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it becomes deaf.'