Farewell Chuck JOW #1321

Action film star Chuck Norris passed away last week at 86, active to the last.  He was, by all accounts, a genuinely kind and generous person.  Although he was in no way self-aggrandizing, Chuck became the subject of uber man style of jokes.  I am starting my JOW with some of these jokes as a homage to a life well lived before rounding out my jokes with a miscellany of ‘on the shelf’ jokes.

 

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

·         Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

·         Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

·         Chuck Norris told a joke about Will Smith’s wife; Will Smith slapped himself.

·         Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

·         Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.

·         Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

·         If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

·         Chuck Norris was born in a hospital he built.  With his bare hands.

·         Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

.        When the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·         Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris

·         If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

 

Some other jokes.

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

 

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

 

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.

 

My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

 

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

 

When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy.

When your uterus is removed it’s called hysterectomy.

What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut

 

There has been a huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

 

On a related note, thieves broke into the police station and stole all the toilets.

The police spokesman said, ‘they have nothing to go on.’

 

Why did Batgirl change her name to Batwoman?

She had her Bat Mitzvah.

 

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

It was just her kneecap.

 

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day when out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and swept him out to sea.
She dropped to her knees and pleaded, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you; my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
Suddenly a big wave washed the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looked up to heaven and said: "He had a hat!"

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What?  You're coming empty handed?"

 

And finally, some dark grandma humor.

While visiting the old folk’s 2home, little Charlie asks his grandmother,

"Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."
Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"
His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"
Charlie is visibly disgusted. "Grandma!"
Finally, Charlie has had enough, and bursts out, "But grandma! I'm blind!"
His grandma erupts into a fit of laughter. "Exactly!"