Opening Day JOW #1322

It was opening day for baseball last week.  Ah, opening day, when everyone has hope for the new season.  I myself am not looking forward to this season.  My team, the Astros, have been very good for the last eight years I have gotten spoiled.  But his year they are looking to be very average.  and I will not enjoy seeing lots of losses.  B2aseball is like life, some years up, some down.  Well, unless you are a Rockies or Athletics fan.  My jokes this week are mostly about baseball.

 

It has been said that hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.  And these days it costs about the same, too.

 

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

 

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the fifth

 

Why are baseball games at night?

Because bats are nocturnal

 

What have 18 legs, spits uncontrollably, and catches flies?

A baseball team

 

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

 

What do you get when you cross a tree with a Hall of Fame baseball player?

Babe Root

 

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

 

As a kid, all too often I played a strange position in baseball

Left Out

 

My grandson had his youth baseball game cancelled because of heavy rain.  He received a precipitation trophy

 

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And when I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

 

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

 

A cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with five straight walks, so the manager took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled, "That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!"

 

A minor league baseball pitcher visited the opponent’s baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he went alone and saw a horse near the dugout that was wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team. Surprised, he laughed and approached the horse to pet it.
"Well what are you doing here?" The pitcher asks smiling while trying to touch the horse's mane.
Suddenly, the horse stands up on his hind legs and says to the pitcher, "Oh I'm just here making sure there's a good space for our coolers in the dugout."
The pitcher falls to the ground in confusion and horror. "*You can talk?!"
"Why yes I can!" The horse says, laughing.
"How on Earth can you talk?!"
"I'm a very unusual horse!" The horse replies. "I'm here to get familiar with the place before I play the big game tomorrow."
"You can play baseball? How?!"

"Oh, I just use my hooves to throw the ball," the horse says. "I'm the pitcher."
"No one ever said they had a horse on your team! How is this even possible?!"
The horse laughs, "I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. But I don't just pitch! I'm very good on first base as well!"
The pitcher starts to relax a little and becomes increasingly curious.
"You play first base?!" The pitcher asks.
"Yes," says the horse. "In fact, I only made it into the minor leagues because of how well I play first base. And I play second base even better!"
"Can you play third base?" The pitcher asks.
The horse, jutting his head backwards, looks at the pitcher like he's a complete idiot and says "That's crazy. Who the hell ever heard of a horse playing third base?"

 

And finally, the late George Carlin had a great riff on the differences between baseball & football.  He is an edited version of his monolog

Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.  
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go outside to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end.  We might even have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! -